Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

Being a good friend Vs Being a door mat

More than a few years ago a friend of mine moved in with me because she and her mother had a fight. This friend had no children and mine were very young. She worked part time in a store and paid me 1/2 of the rent only. No money for utilities, cable/phone/net or food. It was ok for a while but then I started getting upset because she would bring friends over, have her bf spend the night. She fed him and her friends food that I bought on food stamps, she had a 13" TV in her room with a DVD player, and I had a 27" in the living room with cable. I would come home from work and she and her friends would be in the living room watching a DVD on my TV and when I asked her to watch it in her bedroom so I could watch cable she refused because her TV was too small.

She complained that I didn't wash the shower after I used it, she complained that I left dirty dishes in the sink over night and washed them in the morning because they had to be washed that night or they were gross. She complained that I would stay up all night and sleep in the am, (I worked 3rd shift). Then she started delegating internet usage, telling me what hours I was allowed on it and what hours she was allowed on it. I had issues with this because she didn't pay the internet phone or cable bills. She said she had a cell phone and didn't have the money to pay her bill plus part of mine. So I figured if I am paying ALL the bills, she had no right to tell me that my Internet time was up. She didn't even have a computer, she expected to use mine!

Now she has two very young kids ones a baby and ones like almost 3 and her husband kicked her out and she asked if she could stay with me. I have room in the basement that she could make into a small apartment but the deal is that she does not want to work. She said that I could pick up extra hours at work because she would start babysitting for me. This I feel is not a help because the extra money I earn would be used to support her and her two kids. She says that she feels she needs to stay home with her kids right now because they are so young. She said when she starts getting CS she can help out some but that could take months.

The other issue is I don't like having rules and being told what to do. It's my house and I should make the rules. I don't want an issue where she is telling me when I have to go to bed, that I need to keep my dishes washed, who I can have over and I don't want all of her friends in my house eating my food and watching my TV. I like being alone with my two kids and I like my privacy. So I told her no that she has to find other arrangements. She said that is fine but I can tell she is hurt and a little angry by my response. I just don't want to get into another situation where I am just a meal ticket and a door mat even though she says things would be different now because she is more mature.
Am I being selfish and unreasonable? Would you trust this person again if you were me? I want to be a good friend but I am too set in my ways and I think it would just cause friction between us.

 
AnonNdrag

Asked by AnonNdrag at 11:33 AM on Feb. 6, 2013 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,494 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • I agree you did the right thing. The fact she doesn't want to get a job to support herself and her children is not a sign of maturity.She's a moocher with little regards to boundaries.
    anng.atlanta

    Answer by anng.atlanta at 11:52 AM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • You are ost definitely NOT being unreasonable. She showed her true colours the last time. You bailed her out once, you don't have to do it again. She seriously overstepped the limits last time. When someone puts you up you don't dictate ANYTHING ... you are as willing to help as you can be, you do as much as you can and you pay your way as far as possible. Youi don not get delusional about having the "right" to demand anything - at best, you ask politely and you accept "no" for an answer.

    Stick to your guns. You have children to take care of and they are your top priority. Last time you took her in from the goodness of your heart. This time you know in advance what you'd be getting yourself into. You have ALREADY been a damn good friend!

    She fought with her mother? Her husband kicked her out (why did he kick his babies out?)? She needs to start thinking about how she views life and the rest of the world.
    winterglow

    Answer by winterglow at 1:46 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • I think you did the right thing by saying no, sounds like she just wanted to take advantage...
    DreainCO

    Answer by DreainCO at 11:36 AM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • You did the right thing. She's a leech and will latch on to whatever she can and suck the life out of it. It's much easier to leech than it is to actually take care of yourself and children and be a responsible adult. She won't learn unless she is forced to (and maybe not even then), but it's not your responsibility to take care of her. It's your responsibility to take care of you and your family and that's exactly what you are doing by not allowing her to leech off of you.

    And DON'T allow her to take you on any guilt-trip. That's a one way ticket to misery and she can go on her own!
    daylily888

    Answer by daylily888 at 12:01 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • I would say, well it didn't work out that well the last time, and I don't want to put the stress on my kids by having a whole family live here.To be truthful, I wouldn't let her even if she was working.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 12:02 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • You did the right thing, especially because she already told you she expects you to pick up more hours so she can stay home with her kids. I don't think things would be any different this time around, they would probably be worse.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 11:41 AM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • You did the right thing in telling her no. She screwed you the first time and it was just her. Wonder what she would do the second time.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 12:39 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • Dude, you did the right thing. She can't sponge off you ever time she has problems. Not to mention she proved to be a pain in the ass before she had kids. It'll be worse this time. The lesson you learned here was to say "no." You did the right thing, let her lean on someone else, you can't carry this weight because she's in a state of trouble.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 1:06 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • You did the right thing. Sounds as if she has not changed.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 2:16 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • Offer to help in some other way- babysitting, or a family dinner once a week.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:53 PM on Feb. 6, 2013