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3 Bumps

How do you answer questions like these?

apparently today is "where's my dad?" day. i have three kids, two diff. dads. my oldest was essentially raised by my ex husband (not her bio dad) since infancy (she is six now), and then he & i had two more kids together.

oldest's bio dad has never made an attempt to be in her life. he recently moved away to tennessee. he did come here last year once while i was at work, my mom was here with the kids, and he was acting irate and belligerent so she didn't let him inside. my oldest came to the door to see what the commotion was and he shouted to her that he's her dad. she was 5 at the time so she remembers.

well today my youngest said that she misses daddy (ex hubs). he only comes around once a week. then, for whatever reason, my oldest was like "he's not my daddy. i don't know my daddy." and started asking who he was. i just told her his name is _____. she said yeah, he's the man that came to the door and told me i'm his daughter. i flatly just said yes. then she asked why does she never see him? i wanted to say, because he's an asshole. but i told her that he lives far away, which is true now. she let it go after that.

it's so hard though. i know you aren't suppose to talk bad about your ex in front of your kids, but the truth is he doesn't want to be around. i don't think ill ever be able to look her in the face and tell her that, but there will come a day that she'll realize it for herself. how do you answer questions like these, how do you cope as a single parent when the other bailed and the heart break your child deals with?

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tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 12:38 PM on Feb. 6, 2013 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,439 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Tell her the truth, seriously. I always skirted the issue or lied. I got sick of covering for his worthless butt & told our kd the truth. His dads seen him once in 7 years, he showed up to my gpas funeral. I was beyond pissed.
    funlovinlady

    Answer by funlovinlady at 12:40 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • i am in same kind of boat
    we were together until she was three
    he did come to see her at the start
    then less and less
    now, not since nov, and court has temporary;y taken his visits away

    she is 5.5
    she said just today
    i miss daddy
    i said i do too (ok a big lie, but whatever)
    when she asks why he does not come anymore
    i say, i do not know ( which is pretty much true, as he stops coming before court put temp order of it into place)

    it is so hard, breaks my heart, every time she mentions him
    * one thing i can not give her... her dad

    (anon because we are back in court in May)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:49 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • I would say that some kids don't have a good dad, and sadly that is her case. Tell her that sometimes grown-ups change, or you would have never picked him to be her father. I would say that YOU love her as much as most mommy and daddys love their child together. Tell her if you thought he was a good kind father, you would of course want him to be in her life. I am so sorry.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 12:52 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • I just tell mine the truth as I know it: No, your father doesn't come see you, and I don't know why. That's a question that you'd have to ask him, because I'm not in his head to know his thoughts or his reasons. But I do know that whatever his reasons, they have nothing to do with you (my kids). It's all on him. Period.

    I don't think it totally clears up the confusion, but it's the only thing I can say that doesn't bad mouth him.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:53 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • He is sick.

    So sorry
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 12:56 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • I say tell the truth.my mom struggled with drugs and I wish someone would have told me the truth. At least then I wouldn't have felt like she just didn't care. I know in your situation it's harder because he obviously is an selfish ass. I would say he's a selfish person who only cares about himself. Kids can handle more than we think and lying hurts them more when they find out later on IMO.

    Is your ex still there for your oldest? Does he take her when he picks up the younger two?
    skinnyslokita

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 1:04 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • You don't have to answer her question about why she doesn't see him, he needs to answer that so just tell her you don't know and that when she sees him next time she can ask him. Make him responsible for his own actions even to a child. Just remind her that you are there and you love her enough for both you and her dad. Kids just want to know they are loved. A big hug might help too.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:04 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • Skirt around the truth tell they are close to teen years. then just do a complete confession if they ask. Tell them, you are old enough to here the truth. Like it or not.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:56 PM on Feb. 6, 2013

  • When they are young they dont quit understand it all the way. I think when she becomes an older age such as a teenager you should sit her down and explain to her that not all situations work out and that it is very hard to make things work when the other person does not want to. Also remind her that its not the kids fault they had nothing to do with it and that you only want what is best for them. I am sure she will want to go and be with him when she gets older but that is up to you and him. She deserves to have time with him even if he is an asshole he is still her father and I am sure she will want to know him more as she gets older. I am sorry you have to go through this and I wish you and your babies the best of luck.
    Im-HiDdEn

    Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 9:08 AM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • When my ex and I split up I was very tempted to lie and cover for him when he didn't show for visits but the therapist I was seeing said "No your child needs one parent they can count on. Do not lie." Now that does not mean tell them everything. Keep it age appropriate.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 7:18 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

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