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4 Bumps

If you knew someone who was getting married to a rapist, would you tell her?

When I was 15 I was raped by my then boyfriend and a friend of his. We're not talking "date rape" or "stat rape" or "I changed my mind" we're talking "chased me down beat me and held me down while the other took his turn rape."

Now, I'm in my 30's and run our local Small Business Group in town. All of the members have "friended" me on facebook. One of the most recent women who has friended me works with Tupperware and is really a nice lady. She works hard, takes good care of her kids and is always happy to help anyone she can. But she recently announced her engagement on Facebook to her boyfriend of 3 years. I went on her page to congratulate her only to realize she is marrying the boyfriend who raped me 15+ years ago.

I just didn't say anything. I can't really congratulate her on marrying a monster! I know he hasn't gotten much better in life either - it's not like he grew up or anything. He's STILL using drugs and he's still a partier. I know this because we are in a small town and people talk, not because I have anything to do with him. Plus, less than a year ago he tried to sell my husband heroin (my husband is an addict - clean 7 years).

I'm sure she knows he's using, but I don't now if she knows all that he is. he was always really good at hiding things! When we were dating I didn't know A LOT!

Anyways, if it was you, would you tell her? Or would you just hope their relationship never comes up in conversation?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 7:52 PM on Feb. 7, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (27)
  • Nope, if she's happy marrying a loser she won't believe you anyways.

    Answer by funlovinlady at 7:54 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • If she has chosen to marry someone who has a life of drugs and immaturity I would leave it alone about what happened in the past. he is already enough of a problem for her to have to life with and she seems to overlook that.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 7:55 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • Yes, I would. Just don't expect a pleasant response from her.

    Answer by SWasson at 7:57 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • Was he ever prosecuted? If so, I'd make sure she had access to the info somehow.

    Answer by 3libras at 7:58 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • No, 3libras, he was never prosecuted. The only people who know it happened were the three of us and another friend of mine that he attacked. Neither she nor I ever told anyone because we our parents would have blamed us. When I had a boyfriend (prior to this guy) hit me, my mother threw me down a flight of stairs for "being such a stupid bitch" so I never told her I was raped. I just told her I had a bike accident.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:02 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • I'm with 3Libras, if he was prosecuted let her know (Not to say he hasnt changed his ways blah blah). But if you never went forward and called the cops and let him get away with it, then there is no reason for her to believe you.

    Answer by cassie_kellison at 8:03 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • I would tell her; and do as the other mom suggested and post whatever preceedings happened. She may not believe you at first, but at least she will be aware that he has this potential and may be more cautious in being with him. The other moms are right as well; if she is willing to overlook his drug usage, then what does that say about her character? Maybe she thinks she can change him. I don't know, but I do know that this will bother you - keeping it to yourself - especially if he ends up abusing her or attacking someone else. GL.

    Answer by Sierrarose99 at 8:05 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • You said this woman has children. I would tell her, it will be up to her to decide what to do with the
    information you give her. But as a mother, you can never know what this man would do to her children.
    Yes I would tell her.
    Good Luck

    Answer by gmasboy at 8:22 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • yeah,I'd tell her

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 8:24 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

  • I'd tell her because she has kids. She won't likely do anything about it but you can rest at night knowing you armed her with the information

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 8:30 PM on Feb. 7, 2013

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