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2 Bumps

Deadbeat dad - did I go to far?

Okay I snapped this morning I told my kids something bad about their father: ages 12 and 13 i think it's time they know better actually I think they already know he's been absent from their life since 2009 no child support. Well,I my daughter wanted to go do something after school today and I snapped I don't have the money for that I can't help it I'm only one person what do you want me to do I don't have money for my own lunch today . did I do something bad?

The Atty. Gen.'s office will help me locate him or help me get child support because I'm not on public assistance I was told those cases go first I don't have money for an attorney are someone to locate him for me - what are my options? I hate being rude to my kids and telling him these things but I don't know what else to do I can't hide it from them forever they're getting older they want to go out with their friends they want money for this and not any suggestions?

I went as far to say that I could be going out drinking every night at the bar every weekend I don't even get to go out to lunch my own colleagues /friends I said I don't even have money for sodas today did I go too far? I want to be honest with them but I don't want to make him feel bad either and I never put down their father before but what others options do I have it this point?

He's a deadbeat and the kids are suffering. An I expected to take the fall for that?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:35 AM on Feb. 8, 2013 in General Parenting

Answers (12)
  • Yes. Drop the pity party and find a way to make more money or cut your bills in other places.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:41 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • To tell them you do not have the money an you are sorry, but it is only you supporting them and you simply can not cover even the expense of a lunch out right now, would have been enough.

    I know you are stressed but it is also not their fault. You did go a bit over the top.

    Forgive yourself and go on.

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:46 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • You probably said more than you needed to. It happens. Answer any questions they have and then move on

    Answer by Ballad at 12:51 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • Go top the Friend of the Court and ask them what options you have. Normally they do not charge for something like that.

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 1:02 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • Deja vu....I snapped at my kids too back when they were that age and wanted stuff. I immediately apologized and told them how hard it was for me to make ends meet so I couldn't give them the money for extras. They appreciated the apology. They just wanted to know it wasn't them I was angry with. They found alternative funds (like scholarships from churches to go skiing or helping fundraise for their other trips. Some friends had parents who paid their way to movies and skating). It's not easy to do it alone. Most states charge $25 annual fee to do the court paperwork for you and collect the cs for you if you are not on state assistance. Just contact CS and ask how to get started. If you don't have the $25 they can take it out of the money bio dad sends you.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:51 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • p.s. there are also Dead Beat Dad agencies that will go after guys who are behind. I googled them a few years back and wow, they work fast and get the job done. They backed out in the end but that was ok, they did what needed to be done to get the state to take over.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:52 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • dont feel too bad

    Answer by san78 at 6:54 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • We don't have cable tv, trash pickup service and I'm very picky about leaving lights in and the thermostat.
    I've cut our bills to the minimum.
    It upsets me that people on government assistance have cable, food stamps for food, etc.
    I know a family, home in feclouser but they still have cable and wifi Internet.
    I don't understand.
    And of course, I picture mg ex husband living a care free life in another state. The last rumor I heard he was living with a chic - who had kids. So he's helping support Simeon's else's kids but not his own.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:55 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • Well, while snapping was not the best - you see you freaked on them and know you shouldn't have so that is a plus! I am sure you are right that they know dad does nothing. When they come home have a sit down, I am sorry I lost it this morning. I want what is best for you and would love for you to be able to do everything you want to but right now it is just not possible.

    It would be much easier for me to try to work it out if I had notice that you want to go do something rather than while we are all trying to get ready and had no clue.


    then perhaps you can set a jar aside and put so much in it each week (maybe not each week but when you can). Make that thier want money and explain to them that they must take turns with the money and it for special wants.

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 7:58 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

  • Those reactions happen due to stress and anger & guilt feelings directed at self (like "it shouldn't be this way" or "I should be able to give them Y or be able to do X for myself.") This is typical where financial stress & guilt are involved.
    The problem is, honest, innocent wants & requests become "wrong," triggering defensive reactions & annoyance. The children take that message (there's something wrong with me wanting things, or daring to SAY that I want/wish for something.) They either feel guilty around their wanting, or they feel resentful around being blamed FOR wanting and "putting Mom in that position."
    We can avoid making THEM responsible for OUR feelings if we recognize those trigger & own our feelings. It's a matter of recognizing "I'm this furious/annoyed at her request because I feel BAD that I can't say yes; I feel Less Than" instead of sending the message that her request is inappropriate/thoughtless.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:31 AM on Feb. 8, 2013

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