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3 Bumps

I am stunned. (Sorry if it's long and/rambly. A little bit of a vent).

Right now, I just don't know how to react. I want some opinions on an appropriate reaction.
A little back story. I told my husband early in our relationship (before we were even married) about being molested when I was a child. I told him everything. How long it went on for, when it was more likely to happen, who did it and everything. Well, the person who did it recently passed (he was a relative) and while we (my husband and I) were going through his things, we ran across ALOT of inapropriate pictures (mostly of little girls in swimwuits for magazines). With my history, I was disgusted and threw them all away or burned them. My dh actually said "You know, with all this stuff we are finding I am actully starting to worry about X (the recently deceased relative)." I was floored. I just looked at him for aminute before moving on. I don't think he got why I was so angry with that comment.

Since then, he has been acting like he didn't say it or he didn't mean it the way I took it. Well, yeaterday I had had enough of him ignoring the issue so I brought it up myself. I asked him if he had ever really believed me when I told him what had happened or if he had just told me that he believed me to shut me up. He said he believed me, but that he didn't know how bad it was. Now what the hell is that supposed to mean? I told him everything there was to know about it. He has even complained that there have been days where I have had a harder time dealing with it then others. There are just some things that make it crop up more then others.

Now, I am at a point where I don't know what to think or feel. Should I be angry that he is being so stupid with his comments? Shoud I let it go because it is hard for people who haven't been through it to understand how bad it is? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:10 PM on Feb. 9, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • I have been through the same thing and at first its a lot for someone to hear especially when they have not been through it. The more times goes on the more he will realize and understand it has taken my husband 7 years including dating to understand what sets me off and the things I still struggle with, sometimes he messes up and says something or does something that brings all those thoughts and emotions hurdeling back. Just take time with him and try and move on fromit even if it will always be there dont let it define your life. I talk about mine openly because it helps me cope better. I hope your okay and I am always here to talk if you ever need it. I have many coping statagies. It takes time to heal from something like that.

    Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 8:56 AM on Feb. 11, 2013

  • It is denial.

    Denial is self-protective, and it manifests differently. Obviously, he believed you & he heard you, but as you can see, he didn't fully "get it."
    This kind of information is painful & horrifying. He recoiled somewhat from "getting it." But not to the point of telling you that you are "confused" about the details, impact, or the identity of your perpetrator!
    Your mother's denial is more complicated, obviously. It seems likely that she cares. She wants to validate you & your pain, and to be a "good mom" who sides with you 100%, but this information threatens her emotional safety & her sense of worth (as a good, worthy person, one who protected her child...) and she copes with that threat by saying that YES, something happened but you're "confused" about who hurt you. Her denial is intensified by guilt.
    But it's denial in both cases.

    It totally makes sense that you were stunned at your husband's comment.

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:51 PM on Feb. 10, 2013

  • Did he ever apologize for not believing you previously, now that he's fessed up? People can make mistakes but if they own up to them, then I would say give him another chance since now he can learn from this and will think twice before dismissing your pains the next time. He sounds like a difficult person overall. You would think that after making it very clear how painful this was to you and the fact that you shared something very personal with him that he would see how important it was to you. People don't just make this stuff up. This is why I think he seems generally uncaring about your feelings. Only you know the pros and cons of your relationship, but my advice is that if you ever feel like you are being victimized twice by the people who are supposed to support you, then I would re-evaluate whether or not it's worth it to maintain those one-way relationships. If your environment isn't supportive, change it.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 10:51 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • First of all I am so sorry. I am not a psychologist but maybe your husband kinda had a block about it but when he saw the pictures it was physical evidence of what you told him. He was shocked. Forgive him and move on. Maybe talk with him about it then agree to move on. I mean move about what your husband said not what your father did. Good luck.

    Answer by booklover545 at 9:25 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • It's one thing to hear about something. It's quite another to start being confronted with the evidence. I don't think he disbelieved you. He simply didn't comprehend. Because normal folks don't do what your dad did. And if your dad was like other molesters in putting on a good show, it's hard to square it.

    I don't think you need to react in any way to what your husband said. Reality is sinking in for him. Just let it happen.

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:48 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • I think perhaps what your DH meant was he had no idea it went further than you whenhe saw the pictures he may have wondered who elses this had been done to. I could be wrong but if mine said that to me I would think that was what he meant I dont think he was discounting your pain and the things you told him.

    I would hope that is what he meant and PP is correct, no one not even someone who has been raped or molseted can know Your exact pain. I am glad you are in counseling and working throuhg it all. I am sorry you are having to go through your dads things, that has to be as close to impossible as a thing can come.

    Hugs for healing and that your husband learns to word things in a way that does not hurt you, give him time.

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 4:17 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • I think it was as hard for your DH to see those pictures as it was for you,  because you both were face to face with the history of this man. Your DH just didn't know how to deal with it any better than you did so he made some dumb comments because he didn't know how to express what he was really feeling. Don't take your anger out on your DH, he didn't hurt you. Give the blame to who it belongs, this dead relative.


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 3:44 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • Well this explains your going through his things. Your mom is in denial and probably cannot face the idea her husband did this. You know who did it. Keep with the therapy and hang in there.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • I am in counsleing, so I am working through it. And, my mother knew what happened since I told her about it (years later, so I can't blame her for not stopping it), but she thinks I am "confused" as to who the person that did it is. The perptrator is/was my dad and to everyone else, he seemed like to nice a man for him to even be capable of such things. Of course, I know better.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:58 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • I think his comment was weird and insensitive. But, I wouldn't get to a place of blind anger and questioning my relationship. If it were me, I would sit his ass down in a calm moment and tell him you are stunned by his lack of sensitivity, hurt and angry. Then I'd follow with explaining just how bad it was and that you'd rather see this asshole burn in hell than find any compassion for a pedophile. but that's just me.... and, I'm very sorry you're in this situation. : (

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 1:51 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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