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I am stunned. (Sorry if it's long and/rambly. A little bit of a vent).

Right now, I just don't know how to react. I want some opinions on an appropriate reaction.
A little back story. I told my husband early in our relationship (before we were even married) about being molested when I was a child. I told him everything. How long it went on for, when it was more likely to happen, who did it and everything. Well, the person who did it recently passed (he was a relative) and while we (my husband and I) were going through his things, we ran across ALOT of inapropriate pictures (mostly of little girls in swimwuits for magazines). With my history, I was disgusted and threw them all away or burned them. My dh actually said "You know, with all this stuff we are finding I am actully starting to worry about X (the recently deceased relative)." I was floored. I just looked at him for aminute before moving on. I don't think he got why I was so angry with that comment.

Since then, he has been acting like he didn't say it or he didn't mean it the way I took it. Well, yeaterday I had had enough of him ignoring the issue so I brought it up myself. I asked him if he had ever really believed me when I told him what had happened or if he had just told me that he believed me to shut me up. He said he believed me, but that he didn't know how bad it was. Now what the hell is that supposed to mean? I told him everything there was to know about it. He has even complained that there have been days where I have had a harder time dealing with it then others. There are just some things that make it crop up more then others.

Now, I am at a point where I don't know what to think or feel. Should I be angry that he is being so stupid with his comments? Shoud I let it go because it is hard for people who haven't been through it to understand how bad it is? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:10 PM on Feb. 9, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (17)

  • I think for your sanity and for the marriage at this point you need to at least temporarily forgive his ignorance. If you aren't already, I would suggest getting into therapy to deal with your feelings (not necessarily long term, but to just have a neutral party to talk at) and then possibly at some point involving your DH in a session or two so that the therapist can help you help him understand your feelings. I hope that made sense.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 1:16 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced molestation can really understand the feelings associated with it. I agree that you probably need some counseling to resolve all this for yourself, but I certainly don't think you should have any ill feelings toward your husband about this. He was just being honest and I don't think he should be punished for that.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:30 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • Sounds like you have not worked thru this. You need help, professional help to deal. It is very abstract for him, he probably doesn't know what to say, how to react or what to feel. Don't get mad at him for that, it's not his fault. Get yourself into counseling ASAP!!
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 1:19 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • It's hard when you feel that someone doubts you on such an important issue as child abuse. Been there, done that. But I don't think someone who hasn't been through the trauma can really understand how bad it is. You know what happened; that's all that matters. Maybe you can ask your husband why he's worried about the deceased relative, but I wouldn't let it eat at you too much. I'm thinking the inappropriate pictures just brought the horror home to him in a way he hadn't experienced it before.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:21 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • First. Why do YOU have to go through your molesters stuff? Is what happened to you a secret no one else in the family knows about? So you got picked to do it. And you do not want to tell anyone?
    Because if it was me. I would not go do it. PERIOD!
    People who have not went through what you have. Can understand. But do not know how hard it is for you. So you need to give your DH some slack in the understanding department. And he is a guy. Some time guys are thick headed.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:22 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • He has absolutely no way of understanding it. For one, he's a man. For two, if he hasn't been through the trauma he has no clue. For three, he's a man!

    I agree, why the hell would YOU have to go through this stuff? Sorry! That sucks!
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 1:47 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • Someone would have to walk a mile in your shoes to understand it completely. Don't be upset with him. He's understanding to the best of his ability without experiencing the trauma himself.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:45 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • I think his comment was weird and insensitive. But, I wouldn't get to a place of blind anger and questioning my relationship. If it were me, I would sit his ass down in a calm moment and tell him you are stunned by his lack of sensitivity, hurt and angry. Then I'd follow with explaining just how bad it was and that you'd rather see this asshole burn in hell than find any compassion for a pedophile. but that's just me.... and, I'm very sorry you're in this situation. : (
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 1:51 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • Well this explains your going through his things. Your mom is in denial and probably cannot face the idea her husband did this. You know who did it. Keep with the therapy and hang in there.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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  • I think it was as hard for your DH to see those pictures as it was for you,  because you both were face to face with the history of this man. Your DH just didn't know how to deal with it any better than you did so he made some dumb comments because he didn't know how to express what he was really feeling. Don't take your anger out on your DH, he didn't hurt you. Give the blame to who it belongs, this dead relative.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 3:44 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

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