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2 Bumps

More on my 14 yo DD- this is kinda of LOL

So, I took her to lunch today to discuss her poor life decisions and this is part of the convo:

I don't yell at any of them too much anymore. They know what I expect and know when they have made a major mistake.

Oh- if they are doing that annoying, "Not touching you" fighting I sound like a fish monger's wife, but for the most part I just talk to them like I wish I had been talked to.

So she admitted, in conversations with her friends, yelling parents are OK but the parent that says, "I am disappointed in you" has just stabbed you in the heart.

I asked, "It really bothers you that I don't yell, doesn't it"?
Her, "Yeah, I feel like a fuck up".

grrrr- some days I just can't win *weak smile.

 
feralxat

Asked by feralxat at 9:51 PM on Feb. 9, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 45 (195,084 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • My kids always said that! That they'd rather get yelled at then feel like they disappointed me. Motherhood sucks during the teen years. Seriously. Sucks.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 9:55 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • I get it. When mom yells at you, you can get angry & feel justified. "Well all you did is scream at me!" When mom is calm & says she's disappointed, it's much harder not to listen to what she's saying. Hence, you understand your mistake & feel worse.
    KA91

    Answer by KA91 at 10:04 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • Wow, I can't believe that she would rather be yelled at.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 9:54 PM on Feb. 9, 2013

  • I get it, too. My mom yelled at me my whole life. After a while, I could just tune it out. Sort of like the teacher on Peanuts. Wah, wah, wah, wah! It's a different thing when somebody, parent or otherwise, talks calmly and directly about how you have disappointed him or her. You can't lose the words in all the noise.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:21 AM on Feb. 10, 2013

  • I would not assume from that that she would "rather" be yelled at! It sounds to me (as others have pointed out) that the way things are makes her squirm--puts her in contact with her conscience & lets her reflect on what happened (rather than giving her an external target for resentment & focus.) Noting that you're uncomfortable facing how your choices or actions have created issues for someone isn't the same as actually wishing for a parent who screams at you.

    You wrote for the most part I just talk to them like I wish I had been talked to. I want to point out how awesome I think that statement is! How cool for you to be able to note that.

    Subtle, but I consciously don't emphasize that I'm "disappointed in" her in response to issues I'm broaching. I don't want to imply that she is responsible for my feelings, or to rely on emotional manipulation (which CAN prompt resentment & tuning out like yelling can.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:07 PM on Feb. 10, 2013

  • I can't believe she's rather be yelled at either.
    I hated getting yelled at and felt like the didn't respect me

    Course they didn't but that's an entirely different thread :)
    feralxat

    Comment by feralxat (original poster) at 10:00 PM on Feb. 9, 2013