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14 yo and SO...a bad parenting moment

So, as we know 14 yo made a few bad decisions this past week.
Well, so did SO.
He called her a bitch. *hangs head in shame
She was going to apologize to him and admit to him (as she did to me) she had messed up and any punishment was justified and acceptable.
But!
He called her a bitch and then all bets were off, her hackles were up.

So He and I had a long talk tonight and I told him he HAD to talk to her. He had to tell her what he expected/ wanted/ needed because she isn't a fucking mind reader.

They had the talk and now I am a little jealous.

He opened up to her more (accepting her responses) than he has ever opened up to me...

I have told him we need counseling but I can't get over the hurt that they worked it out but we (he and I can't) kwim?

Advice?

 
feralxat

Asked by feralxat at 11:07 PM on Feb. 10, 2013 in Relationships

Level 44 (189,827 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • It sounds like the capacity is there (in him). Which ultimately is a good thing all around (including for your relationship with him.)

    And seeing it brought up mixed emotions.

    I imagine the little "jealousy" feelings and the hurt you mention directly indicate something vulnerable in you, even though they focus on an external "problem" (that he could open up to her more than he has with you.) I'd guess those reactions you're feeling express maybe some doubt/fear and some wishing/longing.
    If you identify them as indications that you want something, and that seeing it happen "out there" sparks doubt about yourself/your relationship, you can acknowledge that and move forward. Feeling afraid or experiencing self-doubt doesn't really indicate that there's any reason TO be fearful or doubting, it just shows you that you are vulnerable & a little scared (of not being enough or having enough or being able to inspire or whatever...)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:45 AM on Feb. 11, 2013

  • I wish I had advice for you hon. I just don't know. It is probably easier to talk to her because at the end of the day he is still the "dad" and she is the child. It might be harder for him with you because you are both equal in power and he doesn't want to be vulnerable with you. I have nothing to offer in the way of getting him over this though. Hugs mama!
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 11:16 PM on Feb. 10, 2013

  • sometimes father figures and daughters have a sacred relationship that leaves no room for comparison. I can tell you that my child will talk more openly to her step dad than me and it kills my soul when she did that but ....I was glad she would talk to someone
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 11:13 PM on Feb. 10, 2013

  • What Kmath said makes sense to me. It's easier to be vulnerable with someone who, when it comes right down to it, doesn't have the same choice in a rlationship that a spouse does.

    Remember, although it might be cold comfort now, that long after your daughter is grown up and living her life, you and your SO will still have your same relationship. I hope there are good times to come for the two of you.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 11:27 PM on Feb. 10, 2013

  • ITs hard for a man to open up (like asking for directions when your lost) Dont be jealous and hopefully they can mend their relationship and then you can start mending your guys's by telling him the same thing, your not a mind reader!
    Im-HiDdEn

    Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 8:32 AM on Feb. 11, 2013

  • I couldn't tell 100% from how you said it, but were you saying that it was more about him being open TO her (responsive to what she was expressing to/for him, open to her feelings & able to "hear" her non-defensively, and thus really THERE present with & to her) than it was about him being "open with" her, exactly?

    I mean, if someone is emotionally present & open to someone else's experience (in this case, your SO being present & open to your teen), then to some extent they are "open with" them as well--open about their own emotional experience. But I was wondering if you were focusing on his ability to respond positively (and stay open) to HER emotional expressiveness, whether she was upset/hurt/accusing and he was able to "hear" her without getting defensive or remote, or whether she was just sharing depth of feeling that he might normally shy away from and he was able to receive it.
    Has that part been the challenge w/ him?
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:51 AM on Feb. 11, 2013

  • I am confused is this her step-father or her father?
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 9:50 PM on Feb. 11, 2013

  • I'm a little confused as to what happened and what was said? Did this happen between your daughter and her step-father?
    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 11:50 PM on Feb. 10, 2013

  • What would you say to any other woman on here that wanted advice on what to do about her boyfriend calling her child a bitch?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:20 AM on Feb. 11, 2013