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What to do about my 5yr olds behavior?

I'm a mother of 3 with 1 on the way. Recently my fiance and I have come to be at our wits ends with my 5yr old daughter. My fiance is the biological father of my youngest and my child on the way. He loves my older daughters very much as if they were his own. He treats them no different from his other kids, and even wants to officially adopt them. They call him daddy (by their own choice nothing forced) and always long to be around him. My oldest daughter (who is 6) has started school and now my youngest is starting to complain about starting herself, but wont be able to till next yr. Her behavior has been very intolerable. She's burned her brothers hand with the iron (went to the closet and got it out while he was napping) ( I was in the shower)., has called the cops on me and sd that I was in the hospital she needs someone to come and get her (again I was in the shower), she doesn't listen , she hits on both her siblings at random times, makes smart comments about not wanting to be here or wanting someone else to be her daddy. My fiance and I are starting to have problems with our relationship. We've tried every discipline we could think of, but it's like she's determined to break us or something. Also I've noticed that she's starting to smell musky after playing and now has to wear deodorant. I" not sure if that' s normal or not, but her doc didn't seem to disturbed. We've tried talking to her and all she says is she doesn't know how to be good or that she wants to go to school too ( she at hm with me and we go over lessons). I'v explained that it's not her time to start school yet , but she still has this bad attitude. She even misbehaved at daycare. Our living situation hasn't been the best of the bet (we're currently staying with family). I'm not sure what to do to get her to do right.

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Asked by Ladycece at 12:08 PM on Feb. 14, 2013 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 2 (11 Credits)
Answers (32)
  • Discipline

    Answer by escuchar at 10:53 PM on Mar. 21, 2014

  • You say she goes to daycare now? Alot can come up with daycare. Saying she wants a different Daddy can stem from other kids. My son has a perfectly normal family structure but came home with some good stories based on other kids and asking me if Daddy can get in trouble for spanking or he has to beat me too, all from a perfectly upscale suburban daycare. I would not leave this child alone while you take a shower. First an iron and then what? Every household tragedy starts with I just turned around for a minute...If you really must bring her to the shower with you and get her some tub toys. I would not think hormonal issues are out of the question but I would be consulting an endocronoligist and discussing your family history as general peds tend to brush this kind of thing off. If you sense that there may be a physical connection I would get her with a psychiatrist not just a psychologist who can address physical and emotion.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:45 PM on Feb. 22, 2013

  • her feelings about it. The limit is that you are no longer doing whatever it was that was so wonderful for her (that she wished never would end) and that you ARE doing something else; the acceptance is your response to her--that you stay open, warm & connected. Acceptance of feelings is the OPPOSITE of rejection (a message that "this is unacceptable, I will not listen to this, you will be punished," etc.) Personal limits are important & necessary (her upset shouldn't drive YOUR behavior), but limits do not have to be punitive & they don't have to be communicated negatively.
    I believe this would make a big difference in your situation.
    When you get (understandably!) frustrated with her behavior after you've just spent special one-on-one time with her, I believe you are missing an opportunity to help her heal.
    It's important to protect her from hurting others (if she's driven to hit etc. at those times), but stay connected!

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:25 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • situation in the sense of resolving her behavior. It makes perfect sense that she goes back to "acting up" after having received time with your focused attention on her. That is actually a sign that something good is happening; she soaks up everything positive you had to offer, which gave her a great sense of being loved/important. That close connected feeling increased her sense of emotional safety, and she predictably showed you her hurt. The very next time she felt disappointed or disconnected, when your attention went to another sibling, she began acting up or she got upset. This is a child's instinct to heal (to get out the stored feelings that are causing the problems.) Your response in those times is key. It's not about deciding that she should/must get "all" the attention, and it's not about responding sternly or being remote so that she "stops" the inappropriate behavior. It's about holding your limit AND accepting

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:19 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • Children are flexible, generous & warm when they feel good enough to "be themselves." Yes, she loves her siblings & loves you too. It's also true that she may feel resentment & hate. That doesn't mean it has to be love-hate in terms of "you can't do anything about her aggression," but that aggressive feelings are part of the total experience & if you can respond more optimally to the FEELINGS then you will see them acted OUT less. Making room for feelings (including in the form of crying, complaining, tantrums) will help to resolve the internal issues that currently are driving her off-track behavior.
    The more room there is for expressing feelings (without it being "wrong" behavior or prompting negative pressure from you in response), the more emotional resolution will come, and ultimately the raging/tantrums won't be as prevalent, either.
    What she needs is your warm attention AT those times. Special attention won't "fix" the

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:13 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • same things to her as me. I'm tired of yelling at her, talking one on one doesn't work (maybe I'm doing it wrong). It's like she just wants to be the only child I guess or at least just her and her sister, but I can't make that happen of course. She says she loves her brother and at times I catch her being sweet as pie to him. Helping him and just really being a big sister, but then she goes back to doing what she wants to do.

    Comment by Ladycece (original poster) at 8:27 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • point, but again when I go back to dealing with the other kids she goes back to doing whatever she wants. Then there are times when we're doing something together se still acts up while doing our little activity. My fiance and I have been together for 4yrs now. He has tried talking to her I'm the one who usually does the disciplining, but he has tried to put her in corners and take things away no treats and things like that but she still does what she wants to do. Most of the things we get on her about are the same things each day. No hitting, when we tell you to stop doing something stop, go to sleep when you're supposed to, stop tearing up things in the car( she picks holes in the door), and just many other things. So far there hasn't been any more big incidents like the iron and 911, but idk when that's gonna change. I will try and get a counselor I tried to have family talk to her like my mom she's close to her but says th

    Comment by Ladycece (original poster) at 8:23 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • questions about whether I had a daughter and son and all that so he told me she just called and sd she was hm alone and needed someone to come and get her (she hung up when she heard me coming out the shower apparently). Also an officer came to the house of course to make sure all was ok. Afterwards she received a spanking along with a talk. She sd she wanted to go away that's why she called. I ask her does she not feel loved or like I care and she tells me she feels like I don't. So we've talked on multiple occasions and I try to get alone time in with her but it's like it's not enough. Bc as soon as I go to doing something with her brother or sister she goes back to acting up again. I even try and get her to help me with her brother and tell her oh you're being a big girl you're helping mommy and she then asks me am I proud of her and things like that. I do worksheets with her and make sure she has all my attention at that

    Comment by Ladycece (original poster) at 8:15 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • I thought I had left the iron out from when I was ironing earlier so I thought it was my fault, but it wasn't till I noticed the burn spot on the mattress that was never there before I began to question her that's when it came out that she had the iron. Her answer was she waned to iron like me. So I talked to her when it came down to that incident because I'm like we've talked already that you're not old enough to iron clothes by yourself. We went over again how dangerous it was and I showed her how badly she hurt her brother. I also told her she could have set fire to something and we all could have died. I went over ALL the dangers of what she had done. As far as the 911 call went she had been learning about 911 and IDK if she wanted to see for herself what the number did or what. I found out she did that bc as soon as I got out the shower the phone rang and I ran to it come to find out it was the Sherriff's office asking me

    Comment by Ladycece (original poster) at 8:07 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • Seriously, a 5 year old called 911 and knew enough to tell them she was home alone and to come get her? Weird. She seriously hurt her little brother and very deliberately as well. She went and got the iron out, plugged it in and then waited long enough for it to heat up before she burnt him with it. That is seriously scary. She needs therapy ASAP and you need to keep an eye on her at ALL times. You CAN'T leave her alone again. Your shower will just have to wait.

    Answer by kmath at 7:29 PM on Feb. 14, 2013

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