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So as an adoptive parent do you tend to over compensate?

I know my parents did with us, they wanted us to have all the things we didn't have before they got us. We were older and it was common for us to get nothing or one thing for Christmas and Birthdays and wear tattered clothes etc.

They went to extremes with Christmas for us, we got new clothes ALL the time, we periodically got things just because.

BUT, we didn't fall into the - entitled group of kids. As we got older we had to work, we babysat at the age of 12 and we had to pay half on name brand things we wanted unless it was a bday or Christmas gift. we were expected to do chores etc. Family vacations happened every year but we had to earn our spending money. When we were older we had to pay sports fees up to 100.00 then they paid the rest. Cars were shared and we paid for our gas and insurance, no new cars - always moms car when she upgraded. Proms and senior trips we funded ourselves because 4 of us were in high school at the same time.

I am just curious if people do this with children they adopt from birth or any other age. Why do you do it?


Asked by luvmygrandbaby at 10:59 PM on Feb. 14, 2013 in Adoption

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Answers (6)
  • I know people who completely overcompensate , I just shake my head. Because its quite ridiculous.

    Answer by funlovinlady at 11:00 PM on Feb. 14, 2013

  • ok.
    as you know I was raised by crazy people.
    but! i was raised in a nice middle class family.
    they (ok she ) was just damaged enough that she showed her love through money.
    when their marriage was beginning to fall apart he began to show his love the same way, through money.
    - i had a lovely trigold tennis bracelet after he dragged her across the concrete floor, by her neck!

    I have always seen it as overcompensation for personal failings an not a true indication of love.
    truth be told- if anyone (even to this day) just gives me things as opposed to sharing emotion I am like. "Go eff yourself, I am worth more than whatever you can spend".

    Re: Joy Luck Club

    Answer by feralxat at 11:09 PM on Feb. 14, 2013

  • We over spoil our child, but I joke that we had 4 years to make up for... Our child lived in a hospital for first 4 years until we adopted due to health and bio family not wanting to receive training to take child home. I feel any child that has no family and lives in a hospital for the beginning 4 years of live deserves the world and I'll do my best to give it to my child!

    Answer by TiffyTaffyApple at 1:30 PM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • I wouldn't use the words "over compensate," but we definitely spoil our DD...there is not much in this world she wants that she doesn't get. And although she was adopted (as infant, no memories of living with BMom), I don't really think she does get what she does because of that...I really think it's just who we are...well, mostly me, as I'll admit I'm much more the spoiler than DH.

    But that being said, things aren't just handed to her -- she helps pay for some things that she really wants outside holidays and birthdays, she has chores she needs to complete, she has to keep getting the "green faces" on the behavior chart at school at school, she has to keep that growing little attitude of hers in check, she has to not get grades below a C on her school work and tests, etc. And she does not expect things or try to take advantage...and she is the most giving and sharing child I've ever met.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 12:37 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • Tiffy taffy, that is partly my parents view, that for 7 years we were bounced all over ods creation and never knew if we would have food or beds so they wanted to make up for all of it. However, they had the sense to make us responsible in the midst of it all as well

    Comment by luvmygrandbaby (original poster) at 2:10 PM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • In some ways yes my husband and I do overcompensate and spoil our children. For example we make a HUGE deal out of their birthdays and go all out as an overcompensation for the fact that my twin girls birth family forgot their 4th birthday, We make sure to spend tons of time with our kids and like for them to have nice things but this has not made them entitled or spoiled. My girls are now 13 and are very appreciative of things that are done for them or given to them,

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 11:08 AM on Feb. 17, 2013