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An 8 yr lie...but do I have a right to be upset?

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I just found out that the day before our first date he slept with his ex. Normally, this would be a cut and dry answer...can't be mad as it was before me. However, we have talked about this subject several times and he has always mentioned the last time being 6 months prior. I never thought to push the subject because who cares, it was before me. No biggie. But last night he decided to come clean. We have been having such an awesome marriage the past month, closer than ever before and we are pretty solid as it is. He is loving, attentive, a great father, etc. But honesty is a HUGE thing for me personally. One little bitty white lie will send me into a fit more than anything. Everyone knows this about me. I cannot stand lies! A few weeks ago, we were talking about how funny it is that we have only been with each other for like 8-1/2 years. He said "Well 8 actually" and I said "No because you hadn't gotten any for like 6 months before me either...hahaha" We laughed it off and he lied to me again. THAT is what I am mad about. Stupid lies are the worst. Well he decided to come clean last night and I am so heartbroken. I cannot talk to any of my friends about this. I need advice. I am not leaving him for this obviously, but do I have a right to be mad that he has lied to me for 8 years about something that happened before we were official?


Asked by Anonymous at 10:42 AM on Feb. 15, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • I imagine that your joking reference to how he hadn't "gotten any" for 6 months before getting together may have pushed it into his mind, and with it guilt about perpetuating the subterfuge. I think the combination of that direct reference & the increased closeness & intimacy you've experienced together in the last month created the "environment" for his disclosure.
    I see it as something he didn't correct in the moment (when you made the comment) but that he DID correct in response to feelings that likely came up for him IN that moment. He easily could have perpetuated the silence about that issue, particularly since he has a lot to lose by being honest about the situation (since your "thing" about lying/honesty is so well-known.)

    Lying is about fear. I'd try to own my feelings of hurt, disappointment & anger (because of what being lied to triggers in me) while also recognizing his disclosure as evidence of intimacy & trust.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:08 PM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • That is very petty to be upset about. Sorry Yes I would be a little irritated he lied about it but it was before you. Nothing to ruin what you are saying a great marriage over. Let it go.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:48 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • maybe just tell him you don't care what happened before you were together- and don't now...but ask why he lied about it for so long

    and let it go. Or leave it alone and let it go

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 10:53 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • Maybe he didn't want to hurt your feelings, but really 8 years later it doesn't matter. Move on and get over it.

    Answer by funlovinlady at 11:29 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • I would say at least he came clean about it and told you. I would be more hurt if he kept it a secret forever. It doesn't make it right, but remember...he's with YOU not HER now and that is more important than anything. You have children together and a life together embrace that. But tell him that you never want to hear about that past again...

    Answer by madmueller at 11:03 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • It could have been worse. Life is short, forgive him and continue to make your marriage a success.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 11:07 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • I would be hurt and unhappy over the lie, but like others have said, it's not worth ruining a good relationship over. I personally would probably ask him why he told you one story for so long, and why he chose to come clean last night.

    Answer by Ballad at 11:39 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • I agree with everything that you all say and I know I will move past this. It is LYING that bothers me, not the fact that he has a past. I knew that and THAT is petty. I don't know if I am being petty by being upset about the constant lying. This is a subject that has come up in joking and serious conversations over the years and he consistently has llied about it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:11 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • He says he pushed it out of his own mind because of shame. He told me he chose not to tell me the truth because he knew we wouldn't have a future. If you guys had more details, you would know why that is probably true. I am calming down and I guess I just needed to hear others tell me their points of view. Thanks!

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:45 AM on Feb. 15, 2013

  • I want you to know that your feelings in response to this information make a lot of sense to me, and I also see a lot of beauty in what happened.
    I think for me, this "turn of events" ultimately would be reassuring & affirming, because of what it implies. This in terms of how we are growing and the kind of closeness we want (willing to be truly known, not trying to "be" what someone else will want or accept, but wishing to be known as we are, even with some risk.)
    If it also were as triggering to me as it is to you, then I would have a lot to work through in terms of my feelings in response to the news (I believe our feelings & reactions are all about us, and always tell us about ourselves & the meaning we draw) but I hope ultimately that owning my feelings & experiencing them fully (connecting them to what they share about my beliefs & hurts, etc.) would open me up to a real appreciation of this very intimate & real exchange!

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:15 PM on Feb. 15, 2013