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How do i tell my 5 year old his dad isnt his real dad?

I have a 5 year old son and the only father he has known is not the bio father. The bio father pays child support and is never behind but he messaged me the other day and now wants to have his son on the weekends. Im afraid of what this might do to my son. He is just now doing good in school and i dont want that to change. The father that he does know isnt happy and doesn't want my son to see his bio father. I am in a bad situation and I need as much advice as i can get. thanks!

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sdakon

Asked by sdakon at 10:19 AM on Feb. 17, 2013 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • first of all,if there is not a judge ordered visitation plan in place,you DON'T let him go
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:29 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • The longer you'redishonest with your son the harder it is to tell him. It's easier for children to just accept the situation when they are younger. Unless the bio dad is documented as being dangerous for your son to be around it's his legal right. You can put off visitation but if the bio dad wants to pursue this the law is on his side.  See if you can talk to a lawyer about drawing up a visitation schedule and talk to your son.  The father he has always known new the situation from the start, so he's going to have to get used to the idea.

    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 10:35 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • No the judge didnt say anything about visitation. The only thing we went to court for it child support. I told the bio father that i wanted to take it slow and let him see him as long as he dont fill his head with nonsense. He said ok but he messaged me today and said when i see my son i want him to know who i am. And he said that if i didnt then he was going to take me to court.
    sdakon

    Comment by sdakon (original poster) at 10:48 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • My advice is to speak with an attorney. You need to find out about child custoldy laws- if you have previously signed one which you had joint custody, then you may want to modify it so you have sole custody.
    This is kind of a double edged sword. Every child has the right to know their father but he is not familiar with his dad yet.
    The way you tell a child is to be direct and do not over expalin, tell him there is something you need to talk to him about. If you minimize it, he will too. Keep calm and try to simply let him know that before you were with a, you were in another realtionship with b and he is the "biological father" but a is his dad and always will be. Stop and just answer HIS questions without adding to the answer. He will probably do better than you can imagine.
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 10:53 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • cont.
    I suggest that no matter what comes up, you break the ice now and give him time to adjust. Wether or not the visitation happens, he has a right to know and due to the most recent info, now would be a good time. Tell him that you were waiting until he was old enough to understand before you expalined it to him. Ask him if he wants to meet his bio dad - maybe show him some pictures. Make very positive statements so he feels good about it.

    A couple of questions answered might help understand further...
    Why did he chose not to see him until now? Does he have other kids ?
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 11:01 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • So he has not seen the kids in how many years? Sense he is threatening. I would tell him. To go to court then. I would just inform him he has not attempted to be in his sons life for___years. And all of a sudden you want to take  him for the weekend? NO!  I would tell him the truth about the son not knowing he is his dad.  And we need to take it slowly.


    And for your DH/SO.  It might bother him this is happening. But he has no control over this.  He knew when he got together with you this boy had a bio dad.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 11:03 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • Thanks for all of the great advice. My son is five and when he was 3 he wanted to see him so i let him 2 times then he quit talking to me and now he is back in the picture. I guess my boyfriend was just hoping the father would stay out of his life for good and he is mad at me for wanting to tell my son....this is the worst situation ive ever been in. When i was at court the only things discussed were how much he has to pay and he wasnt even present during the hearing so from my understanding he has no rights at all but i really dont want it to go to court but i also dont want the bio to see him if hes just going to dissappear for a few more years. The bio father also has 2 other kids by 2 different women and he says he gets them every weekend so i should do the same....
    sdakon

    Comment by sdakon (original poster) at 11:30 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • Don't go by his word about his other kids and their moms. Is their any way you can talk to the other moms? if their is talk to them about visitation. Just for info about the bio dad. Best thing for you to do is go talk to a lawyer if possible. See what your rights are. Were you ever married to this guy? Is he on the birth certificate? Was their a DNA test doen?If not he has no right to the kid.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 11:41 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • I wouldnt allow it
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:53 AM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • Yea i did talk to one and she said that the court ordered it and he is a good father. But i still dont trust people.No i was never married and the court ordered a paternaty test which is his and the court ordered he put his name on the certificate.
    sdakon

    Comment by sdakon (original poster) at 12:28 PM on Feb. 17, 2013

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