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4 Bumps

Son went to live with birth mom. I want to hear stories, good and bad, about reunification with birth parent(s).

Our youngest son is 19. He came to live with us when he was 10 (almost 11) through foster care. We adopted him a little over a year later. He has a younger biological brother who was adopted by another family even prior to him coming to us.

Birth father was the abuser but birth mother failed to protect the children from him. Son seems to think that birth mother was never given a chance to parent but we read the file prior to his adoption and have talked to people who were around then and she was given plenty of chances to get the kids back. We were also told by our son's counselor when he came to live with us that there was inappropriate contact with birth mom and our son during counseling sessions so much so that counselor requested that visits be stopped or limited at least.

About two years ago son came in contact with bio aunt via Facebook. The first we even knew about it was when he asked to go see her. Some things were done during this time period that made us fear for his safety and the safety of the bio brother so we cut off contact. About six months later he asked to get back in contact with bio aunt and eventually birth mom. We finally decided to allow limited contact.

Bio brother is almost 18. He has no contact with his birth family and does not want any contact. He does not have any good memories. He only remembers the bad stuff and does not have any desire to know the birth family. In fact he doesn't want contact with our son while he is living with their birth mother.

In the past year things have gone from minimal contact to talking to them more than us. Two weeks ago he moved out without telling us and without any explanation. He is now living with birth mom. He has also talked about changing his name back to his birth name in the past.

We cannot get him to talk to us about why he left. He has completely shut us out going so far as to leave behind his cell phone and unfriending us from Facebook. Dad is in poor health and he hasn't even called to check on Dad who he was very bonded to.

I obviously don't know how this is going to end but I'm afraid it is not going to end the way I would want it to which is he comes back home and limits contact with them. In the past year they have actually tried to buy his love giving him all kinds of graduation money, Christmas gifts, Birthday gifts and doing all kinds of family stuff. I wonder how long this is actually going to last though.

I would like to hear stories from adoptive parents and even adults who were adopted about the good and bad related to reunification with birth parent(s) and their family. I'm wanting to hear the best and the worst. Did your adopted child (or did you) totally cut off contact with adoptive family? Did the adopted child actually change his/her name back to the birth name? OR did adopted child finally see the real person and decide the birth parent wasn't at all what he/she expected and come back home?

What I actually expect that will happen is that he will totally cut off contact with us and change his name back to his birth name (even though birth mom doesn't even use that name anymore) but that would totally crush me. I don't think he realizes he cannot unadopt us. He may change his name but that doesn't change who his legal parents are.

They are in the "honeymoon" stage right now. They seem to be more like buddies than parent/child. I don't think she really even knows how to be a parent.

I'm sure you know how I want this to end, with him coming home and having limited contact. Mom is Bipolar and in all honesty I really hope he sees the real person soon so he understands she is not the good mother he thinks she is. Of course that is just being selfish.

Answer Question

Asked by CarolynC71 at 12:53 AM on Feb. 18, 2013 in Adoption

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • With my 3 dd's I gave them the choice when they turned 18 of if they wanted to find their bd's. The mom's side we have known and they are still in contact with. (Mom died when they were younger) The 2 oldest didn't want anything to do with theirs but the youngest wanted to find her bd. It took me 2 weeks! Because I was open to helping her I feel it has helped us to stay close. She is now in close with her bd's family and knows her 1/2 siblings. Since then my other 2 dd's have expressed a desire to find theirs. Unfortunately it was not good news. One's dad has been dead for 23 years and the other died about 6 months before we started searching. They are however in touch with their dad's family's just not as close as the youngest.

    Answer by baconbits at 10:17 AM on Feb. 21, 2013

  • Just be there for him if he needs you

    Answer by escuchar at 12:50 PM on Apr. 14, 2014

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