Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

4 Bumps

Son went to live with birth mom. I want to hear stories, good and bad, about reunification with birth parent(s).

Our youngest son is 19. He came to live with us when he was 10 (almost 11) through foster care. We adopted him a little over a year later. He has a younger biological brother who was adopted by another family even prior to him coming to us.

Birth father was the abuser but birth mother failed to protect the children from him. Son seems to think that birth mother was never given a chance to parent but we read the file prior to his adoption and have talked to people who were around then and she was given plenty of chances to get the kids back. We were also told by our son's counselor when he came to live with us that there was inappropriate contact with birth mom and our son during counseling sessions so much so that counselor requested that visits be stopped or limited at least.

About two years ago son came in contact with bio aunt via Facebook. The first we even knew about it was when he asked to go see her. Some things were done during this time period that made us fear for his safety and the safety of the bio brother so we cut off contact. About six months later he asked to get back in contact with bio aunt and eventually birth mom. We finally decided to allow limited contact.

Bio brother is almost 18. He has no contact with his birth family and does not want any contact. He does not have any good memories. He only remembers the bad stuff and does not have any desire to know the birth family. In fact he doesn't want contact with our son while he is living with their birth mother.

In the past year things have gone from minimal contact to talking to them more than us. Two weeks ago he moved out without telling us and without any explanation. He is now living with birth mom. He has also talked about changing his name back to his birth name in the past.

We cannot get him to talk to us about why he left. He has completely shut us out going so far as to leave behind his cell phone and unfriending us from Facebook. Dad is in poor health and he hasn't even called to check on Dad who he was very bonded to.

I obviously don't know how this is going to end but I'm afraid it is not going to end the way I would want it to which is he comes back home and limits contact with them. In the past year they have actually tried to buy his love giving him all kinds of graduation money, Christmas gifts, Birthday gifts and doing all kinds of family stuff. I wonder how long this is actually going to last though.

I would like to hear stories from adoptive parents and even adults who were adopted about the good and bad related to reunification with birth parent(s) and their family. I'm wanting to hear the best and the worst. Did your adopted child (or did you) totally cut off contact with adoptive family? Did the adopted child actually change his/her name back to the birth name? OR did adopted child finally see the real person and decide the birth parent wasn't at all what he/she expected and come back home?

What I actually expect that will happen is that he will totally cut off contact with us and change his name back to his birth name (even though birth mom doesn't even use that name anymore) but that would totally crush me. I don't think he realizes he cannot unadopt us. He may change his name but that doesn't change who his legal parents are.

They are in the "honeymoon" stage right now. They seem to be more like buddies than parent/child. I don't think she really even knows how to be a parent.

I'm sure you know how I want this to end, with him coming home and having limited contact. Mom is Bipolar and in all honesty I really hope he sees the real person soon so he understands she is not the good mother he thinks she is. Of course that is just being selfish.

Answer Question
 
CarolynC71

Asked by CarolynC71 at 12:53 AM on Feb. 18, 2013 in Adoption

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I am so sorry. I don't have any experience to share with you. I am an adoptive mom of a 7 year old daughter and I will admit that if she would break all contact with us and move in with BMom, it would probably devastate me. I would hold out hope, just like you, that she would see that BMom isn't that person that she thinks she is and will welcome us back into her life.

    Good luck to you and your son...hope it all works out!
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 1:20 AM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • wow- hugs
    ok- i was adopted and raised by crazy people
    i no longer have contact with them. i am better for it.
    i met and took my BM's last name.
    sadly it turned out she was too damaged to be in my life either. we are in minimal phone contact.

    i found the mother of my heart when i was almost 30 years old. we (me , her and her husband) are a family and i dare anyone to try and tear us apart. you know, the way a family should be...

    seek a therapist who specializes or at least has had experience in this area. keep lines of communication open. and good luck.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 1:04 AM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • I|I am very sorry that this has gone what seems the wrong direction. At his age, yes his YOUNG age. He is still not emotionally mature enough to make decisions without hurting someone.

    he may feel that when you cut contact off the frist time (granted you had your reasons) that you would not understand his need to TRULY know the woman who carried him and raised him for a while even if it was not ideal circumstance.

    I am adopted, was 7 but remember much of what had happened until then. I felt like I was betraying bios somewhat by loving another set of parents. I had to meet them and know them, I was 20. Then I saw them for who they were, my brother on the other hand thought they were great....broke my heart.

    You have to stand back, let him soul search and pray for the best. Continue to try to give him space why telling him your love is unconditional and no matter what he chooses you will be there.

    cont'd
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 1:53 AM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • con't
    you have no idea what they are telling him so he may feel he has been lied too- not your fault.
    I cant tell you the outcome all stories are different.

    I am sorry
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 1:54 AM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • I'm really sorry this has happened to your family, I'm sure this is a fear all adoptive families have as our children grow up... Unfortunately your son is an adult and there is nothing you can do. If you are able to get in touch with him, I personally would try to keep the lines open , but not push him. Maybe try to come together as much as possible with his bio family. If she is as bad as you think, she will eventually mess up and he will come looking for his family that really loves and cares for him...
    TiffyTaffyApple

    Answer by TiffyTaffyApple at 1:52 PM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • With my 3 dd's I gave them the choice when they turned 18 of if they wanted to find their bd's. The mom's side we have known and they are still in contact with. (Mom died when they were younger) The 2 oldest didn't want anything to do with theirs but the youngest wanted to find her bd. It took me 2 weeks! Because I was open to helping her I feel it has helped us to stay close. She is now in close with her bd's family and knows her 1/2 siblings. Since then my other 2 dd's have expressed a desire to find theirs. Unfortunately it was not good news. One's dad has been dead for 23 years and the other died about 6 months before we started searching. They are however in touch with their dad's family's just not as close as the youngest.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:17 AM on Feb. 21, 2013

  • I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have the direct knowledge to answer your question, but I know your heart must be broken.

    My cousin's husband was adopted at the age of seven. He has contact with his birth mom as well as his adoptive mom, but he did eventually see that his birth mom had a lot of problems he didn't need to take on or expose his little girls to, and he limited his interactions with her.

    I hope it all turns out for the best.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:01 AM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • I'm a closed adoptee in reunion. (no abuse or neglect by bfam)
    If I could annul my adoption, I would. The only thing available is to have my Mother adopt me back.
    I won't do that. Make my natural mom an adoptive mother, and go thru the motions of MORE sealed records.
    I'd just like to be NOT an adoptee.
    I think your son needs this time with them to sort out and come to terms with many different things. All the 'what if's", who are they, who am I...and why.
    Hopefully the reunion will be a good one, where he can feel safe to add ALL of his families to his life.
    I hope you'll be supportive of the addition - or the fallout.
    Best wishes to you all

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:22 AM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • Wow...
    You are posing one of the hardest questions that Adoptive Families have. You probably protected him all these years from knowing all of the horrors that came with his bmom and now left him vulnerable to knowing the truth the hard way. It is easy to play "friend" when you didnt do the harder work of picking him up when she let him fall.

    You mention that the BMom is bipolar, has your child ever had any issues, any issues with drugs? Do you think this sudden change has anything to do with that?

    Sadly, all you can do is be there for him when he comes back. Either the Bmom has completely changed her life and now is a good person who can be in all of your lives or she will fall down again and unfortunately, your son will have to see that first hand. Your job as the Mom is to be there either way.

    I cant imagine what you are going through.. it must be terrible to not be able to protect him.
    Xmasbabies

    Answer by Xmasbabies at 4:27 PM on Feb. 20, 2013

  • Well, truthfully, you need to let him do this. Just make sure he knows you are their for him always. He was older when you got him and he remembers thing from his past.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:55 AM on Feb. 18, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.