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2 Bumps

Shut out by in-laws

I am so embarrassed to admit that I feel angry and jealous when my husband and I find out after the fact that his parents, sister, and brother, and their families, all went on a weekend getaway, without even telling us!

They always know where we are going, when we are going somewhere, and never do we ever leave them feeling left in the dark.

This happens very often that his whole family goes on getaways, and we usually find out they have all gone somewhere together via pictures or someone saying something way after the fact.

I am to the point that I want to say no when they actually do want to invite us to something. They know I have no family living, it's just my husband and I and our 2 kids. My husband is the nicest guy to his family. It's really frustrating.

Would we be in the wrong to just stop doing things with them?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:22 PM on Feb. 18, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • I don't think so. They're making it VERY CLEAR they don't consider you family.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:23 PM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • That's the mystery. When we first got together and then married, they were so happy to meet me and showered me with love and friendship. Scratching my head to figure out what happened over the past 10 years.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:26 PM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • ask why
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 11:49 PM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • I can see why you would be hurt, angry, and jealous. As to whether you should cut them off, how does your husband feel? It's a delicate thing because you want to support him and not come between him and his family, but you also can't be treated so disrespectfully.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 11:54 PM on Feb. 18, 2013

  • I would have it out with them, isn't your husband inclined to ask them what is going on etc? I'm just wondering
    if their has been any communication about this when it's happened in the past, I mean if your the only people not invited clearly something's going on and no ones talking about it. Have you had problems with his family in the past like any incidents where this could be steming from. If you discuss and nothing changes or nothing is discussed and worked through I would probably just concentrate on your own family unit, I don't have time for sometiming people and that's how it sounds.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 12:30 AM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • HAve you considered that you might not be the reason that they didn't invite you - perhaps your husband is the cause. He may seem to be the nicest guy to him but perhaps there was an incident in the past? Have youi discussed how you feel about being left out with him? Maybe he can shed some light on the situation.

    I hope you get to the bottom of this because it's no fun feeling left out.
    winterglow

    Answer by winterglow at 3:10 AM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • Since this involves your husband's family, it is his to handle. Until he does, you must take all your cues from him. If he wants to go with them, then you go. If he chooses not to, you support that decision. There's something else going on here, and I have no idea what it is. I promise you though that if you smile and treat them with respect, you will find out the truth much quicker than if you throw a fit or refuse to go near them. I would want this breach healed. That has to start with knowing what the problem really is.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:35 AM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • I'm with winterglow - what makes you so certain that YOU are the reason they leave you out? Maybe it has to do with your husband. Or maybe his siblings are footing the bills to treat the parents to these things, and your husband isn't willing (though you think he's so nice, maybe he's hiding that from you), or they simply can't afford to include you as well - and if you are strapped for cash (don't know if you are or not), they might not mention it because they don't want to make you feel bad. Mentioning it after the fact could be a slip.

    I think you need to talk to your husband and if he can't give you any insight into what the deal is, ask him to talk to his family and find out. I don't blame you for feeling bad, but I wouldn't jump straight to the conclusion that you are the reason.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:07 AM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • I dont think so but you also need to see how your DH feels about it. Sorry you have to deal with all of this.
    Im-HiDdEn

    Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 8:32 AM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • It sounds like declining to do the things with them that you do now (I'm assuming these would be things like going over there periodically for dinner or visits, celebrating birthdays together, getting together for "family holidays" or summer cookouts, etc.) would be a way of signaling that you are hurt or offended about not having been included in the trips/getaway weekends your inlaws have taken together with your husband's siblings & their families. I'm guessing it would be about making the point that you are upset & unhappy about being excluded, or maybe it would reflect that you no longer want to associate with them because of it.
    If your wish is to express how deeply upsetting this is & hopefully change the situation somehow for the positive, then I'd say don't take this action. I'd ONLY consider it if you simply are done with them & WANT to end the association, not to change or heal things (assuming your husband agrees.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:04 PM on Feb. 19, 2013

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