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2 Bumps

How long would you let your dh be a bad influence to your kids?

Dh has changed a lot, his appearance and personality. He acts like he is young and doesn't spend time with kids. I don't know if he's going through a midlife crisis or what. The problem is I love him and he has always been a good father up until now, so what do I do. Do I tell him you can't be who you are right now if you want to see kids. He just acts ghetto and curses in front of kid and he's always late and breaks promises, which is also not traits I want my kids to copy. Please help what do I do!?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:32 PM on Feb. 19, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • so you love him?
    are you married?
    any visitation agreements?

    if the courts are involved you have no choice unless you prove him unfit.
    If I was married, about 5 minutes. I put my foot down when kids are in the room, you dont do certian things that is all there is to it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:46 PM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • if you think your kids are truly being hurt by these changes and its not just you reacting to the changes.. then i wouldnt let it continue.. id say something to him.. idk if its honestly worth not allowing him to ever see the kids.. that can also hurt them..
    nnh_mama

    Answer by nnh_mama at 11:20 PM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • I am confused, you call him DH but statements make it sound like you are divorced and have custody.

    Can you clarify the situation ?
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 11:25 PM on Feb. 19, 2013

  • Stick to your guns here. In answer to your title question: ZERO seconds. My husband acts like an idiot, I tell him off IMMEDIATELY.

    Unless our son beats me to it!
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:09 AM on Feb. 20, 2013

  • First key to me is that the relationship is (should be) one of equal dignity, not one of one partner dictating to the other, or some kind of control differential (traditional parent-child dynamic.)
    The option you mentioned (Do I tell him "You can't be who you are right now if you want to see the kids"?) is not an approach I would recommend.

    I see this as less about whether or not TO respond to the situation & more about HOW to proceed.
    I think the fact that you have strong feelings about the situation & are bothered or distressed by it is reason to address it. That's a definite! But your language is all very control-oriented. (How long would you "let" your DH....)
    My goal for communicating in times of conflict is to speak personally and to own my feelings. Instead of making pronouncements ON someone else (about how his behavior "is") it's a focus on sharing my experience, or expressing my personal difficulty with it.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:14 AM on Feb. 20, 2013

  • This is a more vulnerable way of communicating, because you are not referring to some external "authority" (such as his behavior objectively being wrong, harmful, "a bad influence") and identifying HIM as the problem. Instead, you're identifying what is problematic for you with what has been going on. This communication also is less likely to trigger defensiveness & automatic resistance in him (since you are not attacking him as A Bad Influence....)

    I think boundaries (personal limits) are very important here. But that doesn't imply controlling things. You can hold & express clear limits as the situation unfolds without ever dictating to him. Knowing what you won't tolerate is different than telling someone what he can't do, or what you won't "allow him" to do.
    "I messages" instead of "you messages" are a good practice. Focusing on communicating/sharing rather than trying to change or control him is another.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:40 AM on Feb. 20, 2013

  • Are you and your DH still together?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:02 AM on Feb. 20, 2013

  • Sit down and talk to him communication is key and he will understand your concerns and I am sure he will address them because I am sure he loves you and his kids so just talk to him and talk it out.
    Im-HiDdEn

    Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 9:10 AM on Feb. 20, 2013

  • What changed? Is he on drugs?

    Sit him down and look into his eyes and explain in a loving way to him how his behavior is affecting the family in a way that won't put him on the defensive. If y'all can't make a plan and him stick to it, tell him to leave. I think maybe figuring out the reason for the change is probably key to fixing this.
    HHx5

    Answer by HHx5 at 9:27 AM on Feb. 20, 2013

  • Talk to him about the things that are bothering you and the impact it may be having on the kids. Good luck.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 10:37 AM on Feb. 20, 2013

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