Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Pregnant after placing a child for a adoption

I am a mother to an 8 yr little girl. Her father was never around till this past Aug and he still really isnt there. Calls maybe once every two months. So anyway, I raise her without her father. I had a little girl in July 07 and placed her with her family. The relationship with her bd was hard and rocky to say the least. Somehow, we started talking about and have worked through things and started a "new" relationship in Jan 08 and have been together since. In Sept 08 I became pregnant again by the same man. We are keeping this one. We are in a way different place than before and are very excited to parent this child.
My question is, will I be a good mother to this child too? I still miss and morn for our daughter we placed and I am fearful that once this lil guy gets here, all I am going to do is slip back into the moment of July 07 when I had our daughter. Will I love him as his own person?
Sorry for the long post.

Answer Question
 
TLW514

Asked by TLW514 at 9:32 AM on Feb. 15, 2009 in Adoption

Level 7 (186 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I think you will love him and be a great mom. Just remember we can not go back and erase the past but we can move forward and press through our loss. It is ok to love again and it is ok to take care of this baby, forgive your self and try to move forward. Write letters our keep a journal of all the thing you wanted or want to say to the sweet girl you had to give up. Write things like you pain, loss, why, how you feel that day,Birthday cards, and so forth. You might find that it helps you to move forward ( because you are seperating the two.) and save them so one day if the adopted one comes looking for you you will have all the words you wanted to say but couldnt to give to her.God Bless you and hold your head up and be that proud mom that you want to be. Its ok. From Tina
    Destiny10807

    Answer by Destiny10807 at 10:06 AM on Feb. 15, 2009


  • Hi TLW514!! I just want to tell you that OF COURSE you will be able to make it!! You are the mommy and you will find all the needed strengths within yourself!! You will make it.....LOVE YOUR CHILDREN!!
    mysa

    Answer by mysa at 10:41 AM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • I pray he is ready to parent both of your children, 8 yr old included, in a way that gives her love, security and stability that perhaps her own father doesn't provide. With that said, I believe you may have a conflicted heart that wants to feel guilty about loving this child and not having his sister with you. Know in your heart that had things been different you might have done different, but the past is the past, and you can use the memories of her to guide you to be the best mom that both of your children deserve. Sometimes in life, we get 2nd chances, and it sounds like to me that you might believe this to be a 2nd chance. Forgive him & yourself for the past, and go forward with all your heart! Good luck & God Bless!

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:13 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • Each child is different, and we love each child in a different way. Not more or less than the other children we have, just differently. Just like we are loved by our parents differently than they love our siblings. Every child is special and unique and deserves to be loved for that no matter what. Yes, you may remember the child you gave up, but remember, you gave her up because you LOVED her and you were doing what was best for HER at that moment. You didn't love her less than the child you're keeping, you just wanted her to have a different life than what you were able to offer at that time. You did so out of LOVE. You will hold this new baby in your arms, feel his breath on your face,, listen to all the little sounds and gurgles babies make, and you will LOVE him. Not because you love him more than the child before, but because it's what we mom's do. WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN. Each one in his or her own special way.
    lighthousemom3

    Answer by lighthousemom3 at 2:40 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • Adoption is not about not loving or caring for your child. It's about being completely selfless at a time when you know that you can't give that child everything he or she needs to be the best it can be in this world. Don't feel guilty. You'll be a great mom. You've already given of yourself selflessly for one child, now it's time to do so again....only in a different way....Good Luck and God Bless you and your family.
    lighthousemom3

    Answer by lighthousemom3 at 2:42 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • Your heart will wrap around your little guy for the special person that he will be.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • I think you'll grieve the loss of that child forever. Give yourself permission to do that, just don't let it paralyse you. On holidays and her birthday acknowledge to yourself that you miss her and wonder what she's up to. Pray for her and then move on and be with your son. Good luck to you!!

    shmorris56

    Answer by shmorris56 at 3:21 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • Our adopted son's first mom had another baby girl she placed with us for 3 days, then changed her mind.

    Quite frankly, I think that when she placed our son, it made her grow up in a lot of ways, and she's a lot better mother to this child than her 6 year old, or our son.

    I bet you'll be fantastic. Good luck!
    sizesmith

    Answer by sizesmith at 11:41 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • You will love this child for all that HE is as well as you will see his sister in him. It would only be normal and natural. And you said it yourself, you are in a different place now. Your child you placed with her adoptive family will understand that. So will your son. We make decisions based on where we are today and not where we were three years ago or even where we will be in the future. At least not decisions based on reality. Most likely you will be a very conscientious mother and will think about your parenting and reasons for doing things more than most parents because of your experiences.  I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:57 AM on Feb. 16, 2009

  • Many, many times decisions to place children for adoption have NOTHING to do with a lack of parenting ability of the birth parents. Often expectant women made this decision based on the feeling that what they had to offer wasn't "enough" for their child NOT that they didn't want to parent, or that they would be a bad parent. And that is a slippery slope, for if mothers look around them they will always be able to identify another mother that is situtated differently or able to provide "more" than they are currently able to for their child. The truth is, we do the best we can with what we have in our lives for our children. No family can claim to have the "ideal" set-up for a child because until you really know and parent a child you won't have a clue what that child's individual needs are. It is a VERY common thought and worry with a 2nd/3rd child to worry that you won't have enough to go around but somehow you find you DO!!!
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 12:18 PM on Feb. 16, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.