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overbearing mother

I had my daughter when i was 18 and my parents helped me raise her. I understand that i owe them a lot for being there while i was in college and working part time, but now that i am out on my own and in a stable relationship i am having issues with my mother. Its as though she thinks my daughter is her daughter. She argues every single rule my spouse and I put in place. My daughter recently went and stayed a couple days with my parents and has come back home a completely different child. She is convinced she wants to live with my mother because she doesnt have time outs there, or gets to eat more snacks there, or doesnt have a bed time etc. And when i bring this up to my mother she tries to tell me there's a deeper issue... i dont know what to do. Do i stay the bad guy? or do i give in to a 4 year old? i feel like ive been replaced

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Asked by KikiBaybee at 7:35 PM on Feb. 24, 2013 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • She's 4. At 4 they really don't know what they want. If you lived with your mom, she probably does feel a little overly attached to your child. That's life. But, at 4, the child probably doesn't really know that's her grandma and you are the mom... she's probably just missing the idea of living with everyone as a family.

    Answer by m-avi at 7:42 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

  • You stay the bad guy. And you talk with your mom about BOUNDARIES. A debt of gratitude does NOT mean you pay it back by letting her do whatever the hell she pleases.

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:43 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

  • Yes, you need to set the rules for bedtime, too many snacks, etc. Some spoiling is allowed by grandparnets but your mom needs to be sensible and respect your wishes.

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:52 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

  • are, and will always be, irreplaceable!

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:53 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

  • I think you need to tell your mom. thank you for all the help. But it is time for me to raise my child on my own. You will just have to be the bad guy here. It will not be the first time either. Inform you DD she will not be living with grandma. You might want to start cutting back on Grandma time. It is natural for kids to want to be with grandparents. Because we like to spoil them so much.

    Answer by louise2 at 7:55 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

  • Sounds like my mom lol... she doesn't fight the rules but she wont enforce them when she watches him so he becomes defyent and doesnt want to be with us... it doesn't bother me to bad lol

    Answer by LostInMyMind at 7:59 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

  • What M-avi said. But be that as it may, you need to be the mom and not give in when your daughter tries to push your buttons. You get to say when bedtime is. You get to say what snacks your child eats. Tell your mom you appreciate all of her help, but it's time for her to enjoy the grandma role and let you be the mom. If you phrase it that way, she might respond well.

    Answer by Ballad at 8:31 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

  • Good advice here. It's probably a hard thing for your mom to break since she's been such a part of your daughter's life. That said, you and your husband need to set and stick to the boundaries and your mom needs to honor that or not be involved. Tell her that when your daughter comes home, you have to deprogram her and it's a lot of work and confusing for your daughter. Explain to your parents that if they cannot respect and stay on the same page as you, you regret that you'll have to cut back their involvement.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 8:44 PM on Feb. 24, 2013

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