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Just venting

So im sitting here on the computer, Thinking about my little girl kicking away in my stomach & just where im at in life right now.

Than i think "Why The FUCK isnt my mom here".... Like seriously, i just cant comprehend it... Like what was it, that whoever is "up there", Felt the need to take MY mom away from us?....
Like she didnt go through ENOUGH ALREADY with chemo treatments, radiation, pain & everything she went through those FIVE fuckin years she struggled with cancer....
Like seriously, shes gone?...
Its been over a year and honestly on a daily basis, i dont deal with the death of my mother... I dont.

Im so fuckin numb to the feeling of losing a loved one...
But than it creeps up on me like this and i just get so fuckin angry...
To sit there, next to your moms hospital bed for a week or so, KNOWING the fuckin outcome & having no control over it...Just having to DEAL with it, is the worst feeling i ever felt in my life.

 
kwiseman19

Asked by kwiseman19 at 2:58 PM on Feb. 15, 2009 in Pregnancy

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Answers (10)
  • I LOST MY DAD TO CANCER 4 YEARS AGO AND WATCHED HIM PASS. WE WERE INSEPERATABLE AND IT REALLY TOOK A TOLL ON ME WHEN NOW 20 WITH MY SON GAGE WHO WILL NEVER GET TO MEET HIM. I STILL CRY ALMOST EVERYDAY WHEN I THINK ABOUT HIM OR LOOK AT PICTURES...ITS HORRIBE. IT STILL SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY THAT HE DIED. THEY SAY IT ITS TIME THAT HEALS HOWEVER ITS BEEN 4YEARS AND ITS NOT GOT EASIER ACTUALLY MAY BE WORSE FOR ME BECAUSE MY SON IS NOW HERE AND HAS NO PAW PAW. =(
    TSSN88

    Answer by TSSN88 at 3:11 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • & than to sit there all day & watch your mom go in and out of seizures & just the look in her face....The doctors telling you "She doesnt know whats going on, she cant feel it"... But looking at my moms face & feeling like she can, Just the expression on her face... It fuckin kills me to even think about it.


    Im just so angry and upset that she cant be here to enjoy her life, her grandchildren, her kids or anything..... I mean im glad that she isnt in pain anymore & isnt struggling with chemo and radiation & hospital stays.... but it should have never been like that from the fuckin gate... She should have NEVER had to fuckin go through what she did.... & in the end lost her battle to cancer??... it doesnt make sense.... I seriously hate the disease of cancer.
    kwiseman19

    Answer by kwiseman19 at 2:59 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • How do i cope with this better???
    kwiseman19

    Answer by kwiseman19 at 2:59 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • I can relate, i lost my mom 5 years ago now and I'm experiencing the same feelings, never got over it.
    I think now that I'm pregnant it's worse.
    not sure how to cope myself, but i hope you feel better, just think she's up there in heaven watching over you with a smile.
    AshleyRoseG

    Answer by AshleyRoseG at 3:09 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • i am so sorry. so so sorry!
    :-(
    doulala

    Answer by doulala at 3:33 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • I don't think that there is anything that anyone can say that is going to ease your pain. It is hard and especially since you are about to become a mother yourself. I pray every night that God doesn't take me away until my children are older and can understand why and where I went. You at least have the knowledge of where your mother went and how it happened. It wasn't all of the sudden, that would make me more mad if it just happened. I pray that God gives you the strength to deal with this, but keep in mind it has only been a year since she passed. I think that the first year is the hardest. Keep your head up and stay strong. You can make it through this and now you have the responsibility to tell your little girl how wonderful her grandma was and how much she would have loved to be here to see her but that God needed her up there to watch over you and your family. Good luck and God bless.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:02 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • I am so sorry you are going though this. Good for you getting that anger out, don't push it down and let it build up inside you. I have had some anger issues with the loss of my father, and a miscarriage that I could have just spit. I started my own "list" that I added things on for a long time. So many things are hard for us to know "why" or to understand. It is obvious that you loved your Mom alot. Pass that love on to your daughter, never let your Mother's memory go away, talk to your little girl about her, even now. Sing her songs she sang to you, read her books she read to you. Give your daughter the Mother/daughter bond that you had, your Mom's love lives on in you and in your daughter.
    JoanP

    Answer by JoanP at 5:34 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • I completely understand your anger and sadness. I lost my dad 14 years ago when I was 20 and I thought that I'd never feel pain worse than that. Now I have a 3-year-old, and it hurts even more. The only thing that comforts me is that I know this is just a temporary separation. I just know I'll see him again one day, and I hope he can see how his grandson is growing up and is enjoying the view from heaven. I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my 2nd, and this week we'll be burying my 38 year old pregant cousin, who struggled for years to conceive this child only to have a ruptured brain aneurysm three weeks ago. Five strokes, a heart attack, and a partial craniectomy later, she finally passed. The only way it makes sense is that God knew her time was coming and gave her a baby to love forever. The situation is totally F-ed... but this time around, I'm feeling the need to be closer to God rather than angry at him. I'm sorry for your pain.
    lb304

    Answer by lb304 at 6:15 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • One more thing to add... I just picked up a book at Kohls (of all places) today in the Hallmark card section. It's called God is in the Tough Stuff (or something like that). Now, I'm NOT a religious person. Praying and going to church and all that is something other people always did and I just didn't "get." Well, I started reading it as soon as I got home today, and it actually made me feel a little better. I also keep a journal - when I have the courage to write in it. Sometimes the emotion is too raw, but other times, I'm glad I let it out.

    I hope you find some comfort in these responses. I'm very sorry for your loss and grief.
    lb304

    Answer by lb304 at 6:18 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe you should try to seek councling. To be honest I dont know what it is like to lose a parent, but i have lost loved ones to cancer. And i know how you feel. I think the same thing, why was she taken rather than some crack smoking murderer who deserves to have their life taken as they have taken lives. But (i believe) that God has his reasoning for everything. Though we dont know why and we question him. One day i hope to find all those answers out. Until then we just vent as you did. I wish you all the luck with your little girl, and remember just because your mom is not here physicaly she is with you, and you can teach your daughter what a wonderful mom/woman she was. Good luck, and I hope you get what you need to help you deal with this. Again, i am very sorry!
    babymaddy

    Answer by babymaddy at 12:28 AM on Feb. 16, 2009