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2 Bumps

Tired of his use of the stupid outdated phrase "wearing the pants"!

He feels that in a marriage only one person wears the pants and whenever there is a disagreement, only that person's wish prevails. He says this has to be decided who it is going to be. I just cannot say that it will only be him or only me. After all one person cannot be right all the time. I think marriage is a mutual relationship and one person does NOT wear the pants in today's world! After a fight, he just sits and does not talk for days. I keep serving him food and talking off and on and he makes no effort. Now he is threatening to go back to his home country. I agree that I was rude when we fought but dont we forget it after an evening or two and move on?

Answer Question
 
Alice229

Asked by Alice229 at 2:23 PM on Feb. 27, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • If you are not married be sure to work this out before marriage. Many places offer pre marriage classes. I suggest you take them.
    If you are married then I uggest counseling.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:27 PM on Feb. 27, 2013

  • This reminds me of the movie "Not Without My Daughter". Be very careful.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 2:29 PM on Feb. 27, 2013

  • It is a stupid outdated phrase and it's true, nobody can be right all the time. What if you stopped serving him food and told him you'll interact when he's ready to grow up and talk things over as adults?
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 2:31 PM on Feb. 27, 2013

  • Stop feeding him.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:33 PM on Feb. 27, 2013

  • You keep serving him? No wonder he thinks he "wears the pants"! He sits there like a KING! Do you wipe his ass for him too?
    Marriage is a partnership- an EQUAL partnership. If he can't deal with that, maybe he should be single so he can rule over his domain.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:41 PM on Feb. 27, 2013

  • It sounds like there are some cultural differences here. But, there still needs to be respect, honesty and communication. I have known several men who were from different countries/cultures where the "man is the boss" attitude prevails, and to be honest, they never changed that mindset. They were sorta jerks about it, and stayed that way. So, good luck with changing this attitude.
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 3:07 PM on Feb. 27, 2013

  • If you aren't married, let him go back to his country. Find someone here who is willing to share the pants.

    If you are already married, tell him that if you aren't wearing the pants at least sometimes, he'll never get into them. Ever.
    hootie826

    Answer by hootie826 at 3:25 PM on Feb. 27, 2013

  • It is a stupid, outdated phrase. Women wear pants, too.
    Phrase aside, it sounds like it doesn't make sense to you that conflicts in a relationship should be "resolved" by predetermining whose decisions will prevail. (It doesn't make sense to me, either.)
    I guess my thought would be to reflect back to him what he seems to be suggesting, and confirm whether or not he thinks this is desirable. (Sounds like he's saying you two should decide who that person is--not saying that it "should" be him. Which is sort of a plus. I guess...)
    Encourage him to explore what that would mean, and how it might feel to be the one who knows he (or she) is at the mercy of the partner's decisions about disagreements. How much trust is there at that thought? What kinds of feelings seem possible or likely?
    Explore what other alternatives might exist. What other attitudes or beliefs are possible (other than One Person Decides)?
    Go from there.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:25 PM on Feb. 28, 2013

  • But also, it sounds like this may have come up when he was upset about something specific, and that you recognized his grievance as valid ("I agree that I was rude when we fought") but essentially minimized it. Your comment in response to your behavior & his upset about it, (that it's something you can/should forget about after a night or two), sounds dysfunctional to me. Less than functional & far from optimal, I mean. (I think most of us have some degree of dysfunction present in our lives & relationships, even if we are mostly healthy, and that we all exist somewhere on a continuum of relative functionality & dysfunction. I don't see it as either/or.)
    Revisiting that exchange may be part of exploring available conflict resolution options, such as the concept of equal dignity (in contrast to "taking turns" getting to decide outcomes!)
    But acknowledging what's frustrating about responding to his grievance that way could help.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:45 PM on Feb. 28, 2013

  • Wow! How old is he 12? Ridiculous way for an adult to behave.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 6:06 PM on Mar. 1, 2013

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