Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

Honestly.. what do you do.. from a real standpoint?>

Please read and try to really understand this..
I have been with my husband since I was 18, he was 24., we dated for a yr., got an apartment together, split cause he wanted kids and I didnt. got back together cause as much as I din't want to be with him, it drove me nuts that he might move on. we got engaged and married by 5ys. bought a hour, first year married we battled, I fell for somoene else, a past "love", we almost divorced, I begged my way back in, we then were "ok" for a while, met friends from my work who we had a couples swingers session with, then another girl we had as a girlfriend with for a while, then he changed his tune on what was ok and it was on his terms and his mood what was ok or not. it became toxic.. we nipped it right there. became strictly US again.. things were smooth for 2 years. I thought we were "normal" now. we got pregnant now being together 11 years. had a VERY difficult colicky allergy filled crying constant inbetween colic spurts child who never slept by the way.. we then started fighting more than ever, he has fought me every step of the way, the organic foods, the I don't want him around BPA filled products, my burts bee's and california expensive products etc.. then changing daycares because he was emotionally shutting down, then he was behind on motor skills so he needed OT.. ( he's still behind but just below average at5 again) he isn't coordinated at sports or right now karate so he is SO mad at our son when it's not his fault, we can't agree on discipline - we NEVER fight in front of him or even really fight at all, but over this past year, we've moved and switched daycares, i thought this would be hardest on our son, but it's my husband who's changed. this past 18 months its like our life is a horrible extreme roller coaster.. I dont know who he is from day to day. we are good, we are bad, he's SO mad, so crabby, so hard on our son yelling etc. just miserable. I got him to seek counseling, within 4 sessions he said his counsoler said he didn't need to go back, meaning he's lying to her. I swear he has bipolar or something. he threw me around this summer, I forgave him, he punched our door frame and grabbed me, I forgave him, he last weel said he wanted a divocre, next day telling me he doesn't know where it came from , his voices in his own personal head of negativity tell him I hate him and dont love him, I forgave him ( mind you this is after hours of apologies) I am numb at this point.. I am here for my son. NOW. I am and never have been one to say "we are together for the kids: but.. we have a 5 year old who is the most sensitive child, he LOVES me, no is IN LOVE with me. and I honestly can't live without this child day to day. I know most kids or families will say the kids/paretns will get over it.. we are NOT a hostile environment, we still always hug and thank each other and say I love you etc.. but I fear I am not in love and only staying for my child, the fact is I HATE it but can't do anything about it. I love my house, I love my security, I love my life except I'm not IN love with my husband anymore... whats a girl to do

Answer Question
 
maxsmom11807

Asked by maxsmom11807 at 2:59 AM on Mar. 3, 2013 in Relationships

Level 29 (40,703 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • I disagree with one statement...

    " I hate it but can't do anything about it ".... that is a cop out. If you can't control your life, than who can?

    Talk to the man who you don't love that you are married to... Who knows, maybe he feels the same way about you. Be honest and direct. It should simply be about you feeling like YOUR relationship needs to change ... Not HE is this and did that..... no past tripping, blaming, game playing etc. Keep it simple and state your facts.
    It sounds like you have had a lot of dysfunction in your relationsip. These things take time to heal..... If that is not the case and you just want to give up the relationship then atleast be decent enough to confront it and move on,. It is not fair to use him.... no matter what his character defects may be.....
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 11:21 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Honestly, it sounds to me like your relationship with your DH has always been toxic & incompatible but, yet both of you have continued to force the relationship. Kind of like the saying: "love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit". The two of you, more than likely, should've broke up years ago, prior to even having your child but, you didn't, either out of stubbornness or fear of being alone. And, now all of it is coming to a head. You have to know that this is not the best environment for your child. The saying is true that children would rather be from a broken home than in one.

    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 12:00 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Time to see an Attorney & Move on. I am really sorry to hear this but it would be better for you & your Son to make a new life for yourselves. The sooner you do it the happier everyone will be. I know how hard it would be to leave your home & sell. Can you support your home yourself? If not then sell it, split the money & get a nice condo or Apt. Do you have family you can stay with? Posessions really mean nothing in the end. You'll meet someone new & start a new life better than this one. Best wishes to you & your Son.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 12:46 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • It sounds like you are unhappy with the way things are now. This is reflected in how alienated ("not IN love") you feel. Probably the areas of conflict around discipline/parenting & your feelings about how he handles his feelings (of anger, of frustration & worry around your son's struggles/mastery) are a big part of your dissatisfaction. Those are real areas of conflict & so far you haven't found a way to address them that brings any change or resolution (he probably felt coerced/forced when it came to the counseling, for example.)

    As far as "what do you do?" I try to feel my feelings & then take actions (small ones!) that honor/reflect them, proceeding moment to moment in the relationship. I'm being there (in contrast to "thinking about" it & "diagnosing" the situation) & responding. It's not about ultimatums or trying to MAKE change happen, and more about decisions, steps & emerging personal clarity.
    I have a link for you.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:05 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Honestly, I do think the present feelings (or lack of feelings--not feeling in love) in your relationship indicate the presence of problems, your difficulties around conflict issues. Difficulty communicating about conflict is far from unusual, and it's something for which you can get support. I think that when the issues driving those "problem signals" (unhappiness, dissatisfaction, not in love) resolve, the feelings in & about the relationship naturally change. So I don't see "not in love" as an automatic indication of incompatibility, or that the relationship is over or doomed.
    It's a matter of IF you can get to the place where some of those underlying, hurtful things are getting some help, so that the relationship/feelings can change in response.
    I can understand your feelings of being invested, not wanting to walk away. I think it's possible to honor those AND your clear message of dissatisfaction & needing change. But it
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:18 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • is about change, not status quo. As I said before, I think those changes are a matter of tuning in to yourself & "showing up," i.e., taking action, making responses, deciding things in response.
    Hal Runkel's marriage book/books talk about this kind of self-responsibility and how to begin operating as an "I" in that way, rather than struggling against what your partner is doing.
    There's also quite a good book for thoughtful reflecting & significant personal growth by John Amodeo, The Authentic Heart: An Eightfold Path to Midlife Love ("midlife" meaning mature, not referring to chronological age.)

    The link I mentioned earlier is to an interview with neurologist, MD, psychotherapist & researcher Dan Siegel. Scan down toward the bottom of the interview, when he is asked about his work with adult couples. He describes how unresolved issues from their own deficient childhoods impact their communication & their patterns of relating.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:33 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • "he threw me around this summer, I forgave him, he punched our door frame and grabbed me, I forgave him,"

    He murdered the marriage the instant he did that. GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. Before he murders YOU too. There is NOTHING to save once violence has entered the picture.

    FInd a shelter and get to it RIGHT NOW. You are NOT secure. You're standing in the middle of a mine field and one wrong step will kill you.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:01 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Hi, here is that link to the interview with Daniel Siegel.

    The part of the discussion I was mentioning is near the end, after he has spent time discussing 5 processes that support or hinder healthy attachments (in babies & children), influence an individual's neurophysiological development, and lay the foundation for developing interpersonal relationship skills. The interviewer asks him how often the people/families he works with actually display those capacities or characteristics, and he comments that most people are compromised or impaired to some extent by deficiencies in their own childhood attachments. Then he describes working with an unhappy couple in light of their respective childhood histories & how those influence their patterns of relating.
    This is a case of a frustrated couple that is still open to change & motivated.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:38 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • H sounds like someone I know and you sound like the guy she's with and yes she has a mental disorder. She is on antidepressants. Helped a little but still somethings not right. Some people are just miserable sad to say and can never change.
    I think you should take yourself on a vacation. Not only for you, but to help him realize how much you mean to him. Also, after you come back, take him on a vacation. And make them a good one. At least a week to really really really think about your life. Go on such a long vacation and dont come back until you get bored and until you really know what to do when you get home.
    I'm so sorry about this situation, but maybe you should try something drastically different, like start writing a book, start a business or start some intensive hobby like extreme rock climbing.
    Just seems you two are stuck in a rut and I want you to think of your absolute DREAM
    lullaby572

    Answer by lullaby572 at 11:17 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • That will FREE you to be the person you were born to be. Like myself for example I am sizing down to live a simpler life. I want to buy a van, sell my car, move out and be on my own for awhile traveling working side jobs. See I am a teacher but I am so stuck in a rut, I know I got to stop and set myself free. I got too EXPLORE all my options.
    lullaby572

    Answer by lullaby572 at 11:19 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.