Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

Honestly.. what do you do.. from a real standpoint?>

Please read and try to really understand this..
I have been with my husband since I was 18, he was 24., we dated for a yr., got an apartment together, split cause he wanted kids and I didnt. got back together cause as much as I din't want to be with him, it drove me nuts that he might move on. we got engaged and married by 5ys. bought a hour, first year married we battled, I fell for somoene else, a past "love", we almost divorced, I begged my way back in, we then were "ok" for a while, met friends from my work who we had a couples swingers session with, then another girl we had as a girlfriend with for a while, then he changed his tune on what was ok and it was on his terms and his mood what was ok or not. it became toxic.. we nipped it right there. became strictly US again.. things were smooth for 2 years. I thought we were "normal" now. we got pregnant now being together 11 years. had a VERY difficult colicky allergy filled crying constant inbetween colic spurts child who never slept by the way.. we then started fighting more than ever, he has fought me every step of the way, the organic foods, the I don't want him around BPA filled products, my burts bee's and california expensive products etc.. then changing daycares because he was emotionally shutting down, then he was behind on motor skills so he needed OT.. ( he's still behind but just below average at5 again) he isn't coordinated at sports or right now karate so he is SO mad at our son when it's not his fault, we can't agree on discipline - we NEVER fight in front of him or even really fight at all, but over this past year, we've moved and switched daycares, i thought this would be hardest on our son, but it's my husband who's changed. this past 18 months its like our life is a horrible extreme roller coaster.. I dont know who he is from day to day. we are good, we are bad, he's SO mad, so crabby, so hard on our son yelling etc. just miserable. I got him to seek counseling, within 4 sessions he said his counsoler said he didn't need to go back, meaning he's lying to her. I swear he has bipolar or something. he threw me around this summer, I forgave him, he punched our door frame and grabbed me, I forgave him, he last weel said he wanted a divocre, next day telling me he doesn't know where it came from , his voices in his own personal head of negativity tell him I hate him and dont love him, I forgave him ( mind you this is after hours of apologies) I am numb at this point.. I am here for my son. NOW. I am and never have been one to say "we are together for the kids: but.. we have a 5 year old who is the most sensitive child, he LOVES me, no is IN LOVE with me. and I honestly can't live without this child day to day. I know most kids or families will say the kids/paretns will get over it.. we are NOT a hostile environment, we still always hug and thank each other and say I love you etc.. but I fear I am not in love and only staying for my child, the fact is I HATE it but can't do anything about it. I love my house, I love my security, I love my life except I'm not IN love with my husband anymore... whats a girl to do

Answer Question
 
maxsmom11807

Asked by maxsmom11807 at 2:59 AM on Mar. 3, 2013 in Relationships

Level 29 (40,703 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • If you think that by not fighting in front of your child you are shielding him from your misery then you are kidding yourself. Children ALWAYS know what's going on when things go bad. So stop the martyrdom about staying for your son and leave. Now. He will be MUCH happier away from a father who constantly blames him for not being perfect. I think you'll be surprised at the transformation in him :)

    Leave and go to counselling (alone or with your husband). You might be able to work ouit your differences and get together afterwards but right now that doesn't seem possible.

    Life is too short to be miserable/
    winterglow

    Answer by winterglow at 4:34 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • PARAGRAPHS!


    Ok. I really tried to read this and am going to ask a question.
    You think he has a mental disorder?
    That's almost all I could get from your wall of text.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 3:21 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Have you tried going to counseling together? It sounds like it wasn't right from the start with a TON of craziness in between so counselingis really the only thing I can think to suggest.
    maecntpntz219

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 3:55 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • That's way too much for me. I'd get out but that's just me. I had to get out after 10 yrs. I left with 3 kids. We got along a lot better after that and my children blossomed without all the hostility. You may not fight in front of your son but he feels the tension. He has a right to live in a safe and calm environment. At first we couldn't afford a divorce so just lived apart for a while. It helped show me that it was the right thing to do (not live together). When I could afford it, I got a divorce but it took a few years. Being separated first was the way to go for me and my 3 kids.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:11 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • A relationship sould not be that hard to be in. If you are having that many problems. Get out.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:39 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • I'll make this simple for you. Do you want your son to wind up in a relationship like you are in right now when he gets older? Cause if you stay, you are teaching him that this kind of relationship is normal and healthy.
    And, take this from a mother of 3 kids that just seperated from her husband on Thursday, your son will probably feel better as soon as some of the tension in the house is lifted. One of the last straws for me was when my 8 year old Autistic son told me that he was scared to leave me at home because he thought I was going to get hurt. Since his dad left, I have had no problems out of him, and I really should have since it's been a big change.
    -Ashley
    spiritguide_23

    Answer by spiritguide_23 at 9:18 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • I would suggest marriage counseling. A good marriage counselor will help both of you discover if there is something worth saving.

    musicmaker

    Answer by musicmaker at 3:21 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Take a good look at your own expectations and weigh out consequences/blessings of each decision. Don't think for a second though that your son doesn't know something is up.

    I also agree with everyone else...go to couseling both of you seperate and together.
    MChildressDem

    Answer by MChildressDem at 4:41 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • I disagree with one statement...

    " I hate it but can't do anything about it ".... that is a cop out. If you can't control your life, than who can?

    Talk to the man who you don't love that you are married to... Who knows, maybe he feels the same way about you. Be honest and direct. It should simply be about you feeling like YOUR relationship needs to change ... Not HE is this and did that..... no past tripping, blaming, game playing etc. Keep it simple and state your facts.
    It sounds like you have had a lot of dysfunction in your relationsip. These things take time to heal..... If that is not the case and you just want to give up the relationship then atleast be decent enough to confront it and move on,. It is not fair to use him.... no matter what his character defects may be.....
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 11:21 AM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Honestly, it sounds to me like your relationship with your DH has always been toxic & incompatible but, yet both of you have continued to force the relationship. Kind of like the saying: "love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit". The two of you, more than likely, should've broke up years ago, prior to even having your child but, you didn't, either out of stubbornness or fear of being alone. And, now all of it is coming to a head. You have to know that this is not the best environment for your child. The saying is true that children would rather be from a broken home than in one.

    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 12:00 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.