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3 Bumps

I don't have a bond with my son!

I don't need bashing I need advice and help. I love my son, but we did not bond. His birth was horrible, I gave birth in a military hospital and they were rushing me i tore because of being rushed and he was in the NICU due to fluid in his lungs. I was sewn up wrong and i was in agony to even walk ot lay down. I had PPD was given Paxil (worst medicine ever for me) I was drinking alot after his birth I wanted to kill myself. My husband was very supportive. I would let my son cry it out alot. If he was hungry I would put his bottle on the floor if he wanted it he would get it. Alot of tv to distract him. When he was 18 months I gave birth to my daughter. I did not get PPD with her, also my ruined vagina was fixed. I felt less pain after giving birth to my daughter that day then i had for the past 18 months the doctors had fixed me up :) I breast fed her, my son didn't take to nursing. I at first that my daughter was my favorite. But we have this deep bond, I would say the umbilical cord is still attached. I love both my children but I find my son annoying and bothersome, I feel a gush of overwhelming love when my daughter enters the room my son I'm just meh...I HATE THIS! I want a bond wit hmy son why don't I have it?! How do I get IT?! My children are 4 and 5 now

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:57 PM on Mar. 3, 2013 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • You might want to start to rebuild it. Little ones know when you are not bonded so maybe its worth trying again. If not try some play therapy or find a counselor that can guide you its worth a shot. GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 2:02 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Therapy.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:25 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Healing the hurt around those difficult beginnings is important. Out of resolution (which is a process, not an end-goal or final achievement) of feelings comes healing & openness to other feelings. Expressing yourself fully in a relationship in which you are genuinely & fully heard (not evaluated, criticized, or advised) is the route to resolution & healing. Being heard well for all your feelings around that experience, and all your feelings about being disconnected from your son (your regret, guilt, pain & anger about having been so hurt that you weren't available to him the way you wish you had been) is also important. And also being able to express fully just how annoying & bothersome you find your son, and how this truth is also upsetting & shameful to you (I am guessing; your feelings of course may be different.)
    That's a therapeutic relationship & it creates the space for your own healing. I'd seek a professional.
    Hugs!!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:52 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • It is upsetting and shameful to me I am his mother I should feel this about both my kids...thank you
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:09 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • The problems associated w/ his birth & the PPD after were not this child's fault. You do realize that right? I think counseling is a great start. Next, spending some fun time w/ your son would be helpful. Learning to play w/ him & enjoy his company, his sense of humor, his little hugs, etc.  GL

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 3:14 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • You will feel worlds better once you start therapy. It's so important that you get help. Living with these feelings of guilt and sadness is not needed at all. Please do something about it. For you and your whole family's sake.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 4:49 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • I would start small. Do something you LIKE to do with him at least once a day. For example, if he likes to read a book at bedtime, let him have that time with you. Go for a walk together. Small things like that.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 4:58 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Tell yourself every day you'll say one thing you liked about him this day, his smile, his temperament, his stubbornness etc. and write it down someplace so you'll recall it later when feeling detached.
    kujus04

    Answer by kujus04 at 6:01 PM on Mar. 3, 2013

  • Recognizing the problem is the first step toward solving it. I've thought a lot about this because my mom has said she never bonded with me. I was in an incubator and had a lot of medical problems. I agree that counseling is a good idea, and that saying and doing affirming things with and related to your son every day is also helpful. But even on a more subconscious, sensory level, could you put an old shirt of his under your pillow so that his scent is there when you go to sleep and wake up? Or record his voice and listen to it when he isn't around? Those are tips parents of preemies are sometimes given when they can't take their babies home from the hospital right away. In addition to therapy for working out your own feelings, and activities that will bring you closer to your son, sensory nearness to him might help.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:54 AM on Mar. 4, 2013

  • Oh, and the other thing I wanted to add is, please, try whatever you can! Seek help. The lack of a bond between my mother and he led her to engage in some very abusive behaviors as I got older and harder to deal with. Please address the problem while your son is young.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:56 AM on Mar. 4, 2013

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