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Disrespectful 12 yr old dd

My 12 year old dd has everything she could want, but at the slightest inkling to the word NO is coming its over. She loses it for almost hour. She bursts out w/ hate towards me my husband her 3 year old brother. But motly me. She's an angel to my mother in law, her teachers, everyone else gets the good child except her dad and I. Other day she was so rude I took away a new pair of UGGS, she wished her brother and I would die in a car accident. Someone help!

 
Rysmommy66

Asked by Rysmommy66 at 9:49 PM on Mar. 4, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (14 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Seriously, when she starts, pretend you don't see her or hear her at all. Or put her in her room and let her scream where she won't get a speck of attention for it. Don't even dignify the tantrum with a reaction, an answer, a scolding, nothing.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 10:32 PM on Mar. 4, 2013

  • Strip her down to nothing but necessaties and she can slowly earn it back with improved behavior. Stop spoiling her, cause that doesn't help anything at all
    funlovinlady

    Answer by funlovinlady at 9:55 PM on Mar. 4, 2013

  • Went through this very thing when SD came to live with us full time at the age of 12. You are on the right road. Just make sure that she goes to her room if she has to have a tantrum. It makes it easier and less likely to get her in more hot water. Be sure to give her avenues for good behavior, helping around the house etc. The tantrums will likely get less frequent as she realizes they will cost her.

    We went to a councilor because we were in the process of blending our family together. It's probably not needed for you, but if she persists it might be helpful. Things changed radically for us when we started going. GL
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 10:59 PM on Mar. 4, 2013

  • Let her have them & ignore her when she starts. I know it's hard to do.
    funlovinlady

    Answer by funlovinlady at 10:13 PM on Mar. 4, 2013

  • Tell her when she can act like an adult she can have adult things. temper tantrums are for 2 year olds.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 10:46 PM on Mar. 4, 2013

  • Take it as a good sign that you & your husband are the only ones who see this behavior. Also, recognize that it's happening for a reason. The word "No" is the reason. The more space you can make in yourself for her reaction to your limit, the better. It's not about liking what is happening, or being happy with it (as if it's OK or just what you want!) It's more about accepting where you/she are at right now, and moving forward (rather than spending your energy resisting/rejecting where she's at right now.)
    I imagine you want her to have more emotional regulation so she exercises more self-control & restraint, and can show some consideration for others in spite of her upset feelings. That is valid! That is your goal.
    The way there is THROUGH. Accept that she's not well-regulated at the moment; her explosion is evidence of this. Let her feel as she does, and hang in there (not rejecting the behavior.) You're modeling regulation.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:35 AM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • Thanks for the answer. That's what I've done. Took everything away Saturday.the tantrums begin every time she asks for something back....
    Rysmommy66

    Comment by Rysmommy66 (original poster) at 10:04 PM on Mar. 4, 2013

  • Maybe you need to say NO more often.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:58 AM on Mar. 5, 2013