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What would you say to someone if they told you, "If you want to stay my friend, you need to be a better friend to me?"

I'm between being hurt and a little angry. My best friend (thought she was anyway) Emily, told me that I am not there for her as much as she thinks I should be, that she puts more into our friendship than I do and that if I want her to stick around I need to be a better friend to her.
I don't know what more she wants. She is there a lot for me, listens to me when I am upset but I thought that I was there for her as well. When she has problems with her bf I listen to her, sometimes for hours and try to give her encouragement. When she was upset that she got fired from her job because of a mistake that she made I told her over and over again that she did what she thought was right and not to worry that she will find another job. I did everything I could think of to boost her spirits. Today she told me that I am selfish and only care about my own issues and not hers and that I don't put as much into this friendship as she does. When I ask her if something is wrong she says no that she is fine but I guess she isn't really and it upsets her that I don't figure that out and really push the issue and get her to talk. She says she doesn't tell me things anymore because I already turn it around and make it about me. I honestly don't think I do that unless I say, I know how you feel because this happened to me etc...but I do that to show her that I do understand and I try not to derail the conversation. Times she has started asking about me and I tell her not to worry about it that I want to know what's going on with her. I don't know, I guess if I am that terrible of a friend then she doesn't need me in her life. I'm obviously not good enough for her. Sorry about the vent I just wanted to get an outside opinion and see if there is something that I am missing.


Asked by AnonNdrag at 10:56 PM on Mar. 5, 2013 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,783 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • I guess it depends on how much you want her friendship. I'd honestly say I'm sorry you feel this way but I'm being the best friend I can be. I take my friends for who they are I don't expect more from them it's not fair. I expect the same in return if you don't like me the way I am sorry you don't have to be my friend.

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 11:08 PM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • I had a friend like that and nothing I did was enough maybe you should sit down and air it all out get her to explain and see where it can go from there.

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:10 PM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • I would be hurt at first, but then I think I would be concerned. I would tell her I was sorry I hadn't been the kind of friend she needed me to be, and I'd ask her to give me examples and details so I could see how my behavior should change. I would try to listen as nondefensively as possible, and then think seriously about what she said.

    Answer by Ballad at 11:26 PM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. I would let her go, she's not someone I'd like in my life.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:01 PM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • Wow, she's got other issues that have nothing to do with you. Only she knows what it is. As a friend, it isn't your place to dig around to find out what they are.
    I'd say to her what you told us. See where it goes.

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 11:08 PM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • Whatever you do, don't change who you are and what you have to offer to please her! She needs to accept you for who you are. That's what a true friend does.

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 11:15 PM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • I guess I would start by asking her what she means, and in what way/ how she would like me to be a btter friend and gofrom there.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:20 PM on Mar. 5, 2013

  • I guess I would say, "It sounds like you are unhappy with things, and that you are not sure that I care as much as you do."

    I can see how you'd feel defensive & criticized by that!

    I am not sure if some of what you posted here in the original post is guessing at what the problem might be, or if she told you those things when giving you the ultimatum. (Specifically the part about if you ask her if something's wrong & she says she's fine..."But I guess she isn't really and it upsets her that I don't figure that out and really push the issue and get her to talk.") I couldn't tell if you were guessing at that (given her complaints) or if she actually told you she wants you to "understand" that she's really upset & push her for the truth. And she's hurt when you don't.

    Anyway, I'd just be open to hearing from her, acknowledging her feelings (without arguing or defending myself), & honestly assessing what I can or can't do/give.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:21 AM on Mar. 6, 2013

  • I'd ask her for a precise definition. It sounds to me like she wants someone who will only listen and not talk at all. And I don't htink that's much of a friendship.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:34 AM on Mar. 6, 2013

  • sidesplittinglaughter

    THAT's what I would say


    Answer by admckenzie at 12:47 AM on Mar. 6, 2013