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I love him very much and want to be with him but.......

To make along story short, I have 3 kids from my ex husband and have one with my BF and prego with my 2nd with him... Im 33 and he is almost 41.. He has never been married, no other kids, he stays at my house but will not sell his condo because he says he works from there, but yet he can work at his partners place... He does not help with any bills or food... He does not want to get married, and we are lucky to have sex 2-3 times a month.. He says he has no sex drive, but I have seen things on his pc. He take shis cloths to work to shower, and I have seen him many times getting out of the shower with a hardon.
Why does he not want to sell his place, marry me, help me with the bills, have sex more, Y is he not inlove w/ me, why does he get hardons when he showers..
I love him very much, but I'm getting to my breaking point and tired of being hurt by not being loved back... I just wish he loved me like I love him.Please help

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icebluegirl5

Asked by icebluegirl5 at 10:11 PM on Feb. 15, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (9)
  • im sorry that u are going thru this. my hub. is kinda the same way. i sit down and talk to him once ina while about it. he just gets pissed. im lucky to get/have sex 2-3 times a month. at one point we didnt have sex in 4 months. for no reason. he would being "looking at ideas" for his photograhy online. most of them were girls in bikinis... i told him it hurt my feelings. yea i FINALLY got it thru his head , and he doesnt do that anymore. he finally admitted he doesnt have a sex drive.
    im still trying to figure out everything. like what makes him not want to have sex, but yet he tells me he loves me and tells me im beautiful..so im saying whats the problem then.

    have u talked to him?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:18 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • He sounds like a giant man-child. I'm sure there is something underlying that causes this...but not knowing your situation, I have no clue what to tell you. Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum.
    momjoy1027

    Answer by momjoy1027 at 10:22 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • Wishing won't make it so. You're convenient for him, nothing more. He doesn't deserve you. Shuck him like a bad habit and find someone who DOES.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:31 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • because he has everything he wants with you and happy with the way things are. if your not leave him. i certainly wouldn't stay around for a man that doesn't want to marry me. he doesn't think your the marrying type. he really shouldn't when he has it this good with you. why would he ruin it, at least that is what he thinks. i would give him the big ultimatum. it's not like you not entitled to have certain things in your life the way you want to be. so if being married is important and for him to help out with bills tell him what he has to do and give him a time frame if he doesn't change then leave him. seems to be that he is taking you for granted. don't let him!
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 10:46 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • It seems to me you have already seen the writing on the wall. You can stay with him; but don't expect things to change. You can try counseling, if he'll go, but if not, it is your decision to make. You cannot change him and he has already decided to live his life a certain way. Now it is up to you to decide if his "love" is worth it to live like you are now.
    You also need to think about your 5 kids and the type of relationship you want them to see in their parents (and also from a father figure). Good Luck, I hope things work out for the best.
    gwood

    Answer by gwood at 10:49 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • You are enabling him. Why would he want to marry you and be responsible for you and your children when you are giving him carte blanch to do whatever he wants and not have any of the responsibilities? Take control of your life. You have five children to care for. You and your ex shouldn't be taking care of this moocher. Tell him to pay half of all the bills or go home to his condo and you will just go to court and get child support from him. For goodness sakes, I'm not bashing you but YOU have the power to make this situation better. Put your foot down and tell him to be responsible or get the heck out of Dodge. You are not his mother. Quit taking care of him. Make him act like an adult. He's over 40 for goodness sake.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:49 PM on Feb. 15, 2009

  • here's why:its free!who wouldnt lf given the chance choose to live rent free with all your basic needs taken care of?he is not having sex with you because he doesnt love you nor want you.stop raising this man and kick him out of your home.this man wants nothing permanent from you.he is not selling his condo because he is still bidding his time until a better deal comes along.and then he can say thanks for the free food,water,heat,lights,shelter.etc.but later!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:43 AM on Feb. 16, 2009

  • All of you are right.. I have talked to him # of times about things and he always says"here we go again".. I tell him what I want but he says he's not ready to get married, not does he know how to love, theres always a reason for something with him... I took him to court when our daughter was 6 months old for child support, he was pissed but I told him we are not married, and I told him with this child I will be taken him to court as well... He says he has no $ to help me out, but yet buys stuff on ebay all the time and plays golf all the time... We never spend time together becuae of $ but yet he has $ to play golf and drink with the boys.
    I would like him to change but I know I can't change him... I will set a date and if he is not willing to commit to me and the kids then he needs to leave... Any ideas how I should approach him with this w/out him getting mad and to get him to understand...? Thanks for your help
    icebluegirl5

    Answer by icebluegirl5 at 8:57 AM on Feb. 16, 2009

  • Please DON'T marry this guy. I can tell in a single paragraph from you that you deserve better!!! Even if it's just being by yourself! His behavior is very questionable, but if I were you, I wouldn't waste my time trying to find answers. Many of your questions about him will never get answered I'm sure. That's fine; leave it that way. You've been self-reliant for this long- you don't need him for anything. Move on! Life it too short to waste it away on "wishing". Ask yourself, do I want to be with this guy as he is? or who I think he could become? If you're waiting for who he'll become, waiting won't help you find it. I wish you the strength to make the best decision for you and your children and go through with it!
    AlleyK

    Answer by AlleyK at 9:12 PM on Feb. 16, 2009

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