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What should i do, husband being to hard on son or am i over reacting?

Please give some honest and helpfull advise about this. I have a 5 year old boy and a 7 month girl. My husband has always been kind of hard when it comes to dicipline our son, he stopped after I talked to him, lately is just the same, he'll talk the kid between curses. Not often but still not good obviusly. He makes a big deal out of things like me telling the kid he can watch a movie in his room after he tells him he can see it in our bedroom. We went talking with the psycologist at school becasue we were concerned about our kid development at school, he could not recognice the letters and they were already writting conplete names of things for homework, so she asked us how was the "homework" process at home, i told her i though my husband was to hard on the kid, telling him he's not focus, then he'll start crying because of all the yelling and the two or more hours a homework of putting tfour names could take my husband and his "lessons" , and when he cried he'd said only girls cry and stuff like that. The psycologist told us to calm down on him, for me not to be so permissive and for m not to be so harsh. Because another issue with the kid is that he doesn't want to eat, i have to be giving him vitamin, medicine, pediassures, and chasing after him unsuccesfuly most of the times.

Tonight I was about to take my kids, call a cab and go sleep at a hotel. Because i am simply tired, everytime something comes up is a ig fight because don't get me wrong I always stand in the middle putting up a fight,why i didnt left?

Because i love our family and want to believe theres something better i can do to actually fix the situation, so i grabbed my daughters crib and took it to my boy's room, where we are all about to sleep right now.

Im so mad.... So frustrated, so angry, seriously i wish i could just spank my husband! He doesn'T understand me at all, i went into the bedroom and told him if there was a next tiem i'l take the kids away. And so i will if he does.

Tomorrow morning ill get my kids ready in the morning, feed them breakfast and drop them at the nany and at school, i think i should totally pick the kid at school so my husband feels pushed away, so i dont care if i have to ask my boss to have him with me at the office for two hours or something.

If anyone has been on a similar situation please advice, i must specify no fisical violence is done, but im just so worried about wathever goes around that little head of my son.

Please don not be harsh, i am looking for help, i amd trying to fix wathever this is.

Help.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:26 AM on Mar. 7, 2013 in General Parenting

Answers (16)
  • And if you don't have the strength right now to take the kids and build a life without this man, then at the very least keep your mouth shut around the kids and aggressively seek professional help (counseling or whatever) so that you can build yourself and your personal resources up to the point where you can take definitive action. They already have one crazy hurtful parent, they don't need two. You need to be their rock and their shield who keeps their life as together and stable as possible until you can get them to someplace better.
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 1:53 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • You already gave your husband an ultimatum last night - that if there is a next time you will take the kids away. There is your plan. Don't keep threatening and then backing out, crying and sleeping in their room and dragging them to work with you and then changing your mind because you supposedly love the family so much.

    Whatever you end up doing, do not put your children in the middle. Do not ask your son if he wants to move out and break up the family. DO NOT use your son as a tool to hurt your husband (ie: taking your kids to work so "husband feels pushed away"). If you are going to move out and stop the violence, do it. Now. As a grown woman who is making this decision on her own. For crying out loud, someone has to be the grown-up to protect these little kids!!

    I grew up in this house, and the flip-flopping and instability was WAY worse than the verbal abuse. Don't do that to your kids.
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 1:48 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Please don't let this go on. Make your husband get help, or take your children and leave. My mom was very abusive, and prone to cursing and name calling, and the damage from that never goes away. I can still hear her voice in my head a lot of times when I make a mistake, even one as silly as spilling a glass of water. You don't want your children to carry that legacy. Words leave bruises on the inside, but they're bruises just the same.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:00 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • I will start by saying that I tend to be WAY easier on our son and my husband tends to be the stricter parent. Sometimes I think my husband is a bit too harsh on our son, especially because he is only 4 years old, BUT he DOES NOT curse or say things that put our son down or make him bad about himself. Nor has he ever done so to me and I wouldn't stand for it either way. I think your situation could be fixable though, but he has to be willing to come to an understanding with you and that's probably most likely to happen through counseling. For the sake of your children though, something must be done. It must be very hard for your children to see their mom huddled up in one bedroom because she's fighting with their dad. Things like that have a long term effect on children, you don't want that.
    maecntpntz219

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 12:25 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Leave your Husband & do it ASAP. Go live with another family member if you can. I am sending you the very best wishes. Good luck :(
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 11:56 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • By "personal resources" I meant wherewithall to make change or to begin addressing the issues "on your own."

    I do think professional intervention is crucial.

    Obviously you can't change him or fix him, and he may refuse to seek help together. That's a possibility.

    My point was basically that the situation sounds serious, and needs to change. Deciding & intending to "stop" is not likely enough (because the behavior isn't happening when your husband is "rational" and thinking well. It's happening when he's overwhelmed.) My guess is that seeing your son being challenged by material at school is very upsetting to him, triggering feelings of powerlessness or helplessness that he can't easily tolerate. Seeing your son cry in frustration, fear or sadness also sounds powerfully triggering. When we are defended against our vulnerable feelings (helplessness, grief, fear, dread) we resort to feelings we can "send out" (anger, scorn...)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:58 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Don't ask your son if he would like to leave. That is too much pressure on a child. Children this age love their parents even if they are not well treated and they should not be asked to make this type of adult decision. This is for the adults to handle.
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 9:58 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • It is serious, and I agree that your family needs help. You need to be supported for change, if change is going to happen.

    Change is not going to happen JUST because your husband has good intentions or will power. All of this isn't happening because he lacks commitment or will power, it's happening because these situations trigger him emotionally & he is overwhelmed by his emotions. He does not have the skills to regulate himself well, and so he "acts out" his feelings.

    This does not equal him being a fundamentally bad guy, but it means he is likely to repeat unhealthy & damaging behaviors. He cannot change, and you cannot very well change, without intervention & support. Both of you need to be heard for how you are feeling, and to begin to make personal growth & changes in the context of that support. That is how change happens! Your situation is NOT impossible, but it sounds like you don't have many personal resources.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:48 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Ask your son how bad it is from his point of view, and if you would like to work this out with dad or if he would like to leave
    lullaby572

    Answer by lullaby572 at 9:33 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • you need to tell the sorry excuse of a father to get anger management class and learn how to handle a child iof he wont kick his ass out! He is damaging your child emotionally and you'rte just standing by letting it happen. Time to stand up for your child.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:11 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

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