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What should i do, husband being to hard on son or am i over reacting?

Please give some honest and helpfull advise about this. I have a 5 year old boy and a 7 month girl. My husband has always been kind of hard when it comes to dicipline our son, he stopped after I talked to him, lately is just the same, he'll talk the kid between curses. Not often but still not good obviusly. He makes a big deal out of things like me telling the kid he can watch a movie in his room after he tells him he can see it in our bedroom. We went talking with the psycologist at school becasue we were concerned about our kid development at school, he could not recognice the letters and they were already writting conplete names of things for homework, so she asked us how was the "homework" process at home, i told her i though my husband was to hard on the kid, telling him he's not focus, then he'll start crying because of all the yelling and the two or more hours a homework of putting tfour names could take my husband and his "lessons" , and when he cried he'd said only girls cry and stuff like that. The psycologist told us to calm down on him, for me not to be so permissive and for m not to be so harsh. Because another issue with the kid is that he doesn't want to eat, i have to be giving him vitamin, medicine, pediassures, and chasing after him unsuccesfuly most of the times.

Tonight I was about to take my kids, call a cab and go sleep at a hotel. Because i am simply tired, everytime something comes up is a ig fight because don't get me wrong I always stand in the middle putting up a fight,why i didnt left?

Because i love our family and want to believe theres something better i can do to actually fix the situation, so i grabbed my daughters crib and took it to my boy's room, where we are all about to sleep right now.

Im so mad.... So frustrated, so angry, seriously i wish i could just spank my husband! He doesn'T understand me at all, i went into the bedroom and told him if there was a next tiem i'l take the kids away. And so i will if he does.

Tomorrow morning ill get my kids ready in the morning, feed them breakfast and drop them at the nany and at school, i think i should totally pick the kid at school so my husband feels pushed away, so i dont care if i have to ask my boss to have him with me at the office for two hours or something.

If anyone has been on a similar situation please advice, i must specify no fisical violence is done, but im just so worried about wathever goes around that little head of my son.

Please don not be harsh, i am looking for help, i amd trying to fix wathever this is.

Help.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:26 AM on Mar. 7, 2013 in General Parenting

Answers (16)
  • Don't ask your son if he would like to leave. That is too much pressure on a child. Children this age love their parents even if they are not well treated and they should not be asked to make this type of adult decision. This is for the adults to handle.
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 9:58 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • PartyGalAnne took the words out of my mouth. Maybe you don't even realize he's doing it to you, but I'd be willing to bet he is.

    I also agree with staci, you need to leave. What he is doing is verbal abuse and while it may not leave a physical bruise you can see, it is just as bad. In fact, it can sometimes be worse, because it's going to destroy your son's confidence in himself (something that may not be all that well developed yet anyway), and that's going to lead him to try to stop or ignore his pain - which could mean drug use and drinking when he's older.

    Think about more than just what's happening right in this moment. Think about the future, the effects this can have in the long term. Do you really want that for your son? I wouldn't, and I don't think you do, either. Leave, and make your husband get some help before he gets to be alone with the kids.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:13 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Please don't let this continue. Either get long term counseling together with him or make plans for you and your children. No one deserves to be treated this way. He is doing great harm to your son and may start in on your baby when she gets older.
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 8:35 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • It is serious, and I agree that your family needs help. You need to be supported for change, if change is going to happen.

    Change is not going to happen JUST because your husband has good intentions or will power. All of this isn't happening because he lacks commitment or will power, it's happening because these situations trigger him emotionally & he is overwhelmed by his emotions. He does not have the skills to regulate himself well, and so he "acts out" his feelings.

    This does not equal him being a fundamentally bad guy, but it means he is likely to repeat unhealthy & damaging behaviors. He cannot change, and you cannot very well change, without intervention & support. Both of you need to be heard for how you are feeling, and to begin to make personal growth & changes in the context of that support. That is how change happens! Your situation is NOT impossible, but it sounds like you don't have many personal resources.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:48 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • By "personal resources" I meant wherewithall to make change or to begin addressing the issues "on your own."

    I do think professional intervention is crucial.

    Obviously you can't change him or fix him, and he may refuse to seek help together. That's a possibility.

    My point was basically that the situation sounds serious, and needs to change. Deciding & intending to "stop" is not likely enough (because the behavior isn't happening when your husband is "rational" and thinking well. It's happening when he's overwhelmed.) My guess is that seeing your son being challenged by material at school is very upsetting to him, triggering feelings of powerlessness or helplessness that he can't easily tolerate. Seeing your son cry in frustration, fear or sadness also sounds powerfully triggering. When we are defended against our vulnerable feelings (helplessness, grief, fear, dread) we resort to feelings we can "send out" (anger, scorn...)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:58 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • I will start by saying that I tend to be WAY easier on our son and my husband tends to be the stricter parent. Sometimes I think my husband is a bit too harsh on our son, especially because he is only 4 years old, BUT he DOES NOT curse or say things that put our son down or make him bad about himself. Nor has he ever done so to me and I wouldn't stand for it either way. I think your situation could be fixable though, but he has to be willing to come to an understanding with you and that's probably most likely to happen through counseling. For the sake of your children though, something must be done. It must be very hard for your children to see their mom huddled up in one bedroom because she's fighting with their dad. Things like that have a long term effect on children, you don't want that.
    maecntpntz219

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 12:25 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Please don't let this go on. Make your husband get help, or take your children and leave. My mom was very abusive, and prone to cursing and name calling, and the damage from that never goes away. I can still hear her voice in my head a lot of times when I make a mistake, even one as silly as spilling a glass of water. You don't want your children to carry that legacy. Words leave bruises on the inside, but they're bruises just the same.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:00 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • And how does he treat YOU? Are you stupid and cry like a girl too? Does he treat you with love and respect? Or are you just programmed to do what he wants and not make a fuss?

    My point is that I can't see someone singling out one member of the family to lash out on.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:40 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Pack and leave. I would get a no contact order for verbal abuse.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 12:41 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • You can't fix someone else. Obviously this isn't healthy for your children, and verbal abuse leaves life long scars.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 8:27 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

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