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2 Bumps

Question for nondrinking moms.

I have a daughter who just turned 21. She is a jr in college and a only child. She is doing okay in her major which is a very hard. My husband and I drink no alcohol. I have a long line of alcoholism on my side. My mom developed a problem in her mid 50's and I got the joy of taking care of her in all sorts of states and situations till she passed away 8 yrs ago. So I admit my distaste for drinking is over the top. My daughter started dating a boy her age last yr in college. He drinks alot and parties alot. She and I are pretty close and she never drank or went to many parties before meeting him. He gave her a card for their one yr anniversary a month ago that she left on the counter when she was visiting home. I looked at it and it talked about their nights of drinking and how blurry everything was to her. She now doesn't appear to do much with HER friends who were nondrinking and only does things with HIS group who all drink...alot. I have talked to her over the yrs and told her everything I know about the dangers of drinking. I talked to her again after seeing the card, but she lies and denies drinking. I realize at this age there is nothing I can really do about it. But, I was just wondering if any moms had any advice or thoughts they could share on how I can deal with this? I worry alot about her and admit I have lots of resentment towards this boyfriend.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:18 AM on Mar. 7, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (16)
  • She's 21 there isn't anything you can do until something happens to her and she wakes up and realizes it. I grew up with a drunk mom to which is why I never touch it. My kids dad used to get drunk a few times but now he won't touch it either. I am just hoping my kids see how their grandmother is doing and slowly dying and know when they are older that could happen.
    I wouldn't encourage her to quit but maybe at least be smart about drinking.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:22 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • DH and I do not drink alcohol and although we would love it if DD (now 7) would grow up and not drink also, we know that is not realistic...especially when she goes off to college.

    I would not bombard her with it. The more you tell her of your dislike for her drinking and as much as she is drinking, the more she will hide from you. I would just tell her that you understand that she wants to spread her wings and have fun with her boyfriend, but you want her to be safe at the same time because you both know how quickly things can get out of control. Be sure to remind her that she can come to you and talk to you about anything and you will support her and won't judge her or love her any less, even if you don't agree with what she is doing.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 9:28 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • She is 21- and drinking is something she can now do- leagally.
    Give this a little time, just because she is drinking and partying some now, doesn't mean she will continue.


    * have you posted questions about this before? I remember at least 2 about a girl in college with parents who don't drink- and the boyfriend drinking more than they think is acceptable...
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 9:29 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Yes charlorsomtimes this is another one but the situation is different
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:31 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Pray that the next few years go by quickly and safely! I know this probably doesn't make you feel any better about YOUR daughter doing it but this is a very, very common thing for college kids her age. Once she graduates the partying will likely subside and a few years after that she'll likely mature much more and if the bf is still around and hasn't matured by then, she'll likely get over him too!
    maecntpntz219

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 9:32 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • We did a lot of praying during our kids' college years. We had many discussions about drinking, but it is a time of experimenting for them and you are doing the best you can by having conversations with her about it. Always let her know you are there if she ever needs you for anything. Don't forget to talk about protective sex and drugs too. GL

    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 9:54 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • There isn't a lot you can do. It would bother me that she seems to have abandoned her own friends and is more absorbed in his life. Hopefully this is sort term because this is a new relationship and she develops some interests of her own. Either way I'm sure she will figure it out in time.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 10:10 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • I have always been a non drinker including going to college and had a husband & friends who drank. I was always the designated driver and had a blast. I would tell people what they "did" the next morning when they couldn't remember. Boy did I tell some woopers! If things are blurry to her chances are they were to the others. Suggest she have some "fun" as the designated driver.

    Now I have 3 older children who all drink (still have 3 grands who live at home). They know I don't like it but there's nothing I can do. The biggest thing I tell them at this time is that I will always be there for them no matter what but I had one request for them. If you're going to drink then DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE! It's not just their safety when they drive but the other people on the roads and their own children's lives that would be drastically changed if they were in an accident.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:18 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • I think I'd want to make this something she doesn't feel compelled to hide from me. That would mean being clear about my unconditional love (or unconditional acceptance.) Which would mean needing to be clear about this within myself! (Just recognizing that I DO feel conditional, and DO feel like I can't accept it if my child does this or that--in that I really want to be able to make sure she DOESN'T!) Taking a look at how I really am feeling gives me a chance to shift or change in response to that. (Realizing that my love or acceptance IS conditional gives me a chance to make decisions about that, and to become unconditional.)
    Her safety & my peace of mind don't lie in having control over this particular issue.
    The more I can convey that to her--can convey that I have strong feelings and definite opinions & preferences but my love, acceptance & approval of her are NOT contingent on compliance with those--the better.
    Soo hard!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:37 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • I think you girlwithC you hit upon what I am having such a hard time dealing with and also why I posted this anonymously. I am afraid I would be bashed horribly. I love my daughter and she has basically been my life, but I have such very strong feelings about alcohol that really is effecting how I feel about her. Not only did my mom who I was very close to become a alcoholic later in life, my father was a life long drinker that wrecked our home life. Then stupidly I married a alcoholic the 1st time. He is not the father of my only child and I have been married for 25 yrs to him (nondrinker). So I honestly have a total hatered of booze of any kind. I find am sooooo disappointed my daughter chose such a drinker for a bf and he is talking marriage after they graduate! I also can't help but feel if she is going to be a drinker than I don't want to be around her. Terrible I know, but I am being honest.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:53 AM on Mar. 7, 2013

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