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3 Bumps

How to handle finding out the man who raised me isn't my bio dad?

Just after Thanksgiving I had a bomb dropped on me...I was informed my dad wasn't my bio dad. I had absolutely no clue. I am 33 years old and could have died never knowing any different. I had such a swarm of emotions come over me, everything I'd ever known or was raised to know wasn't so, I was so confused and still am. Then, to make things worse, before I picked up the phone to talk to my dad, he was killed in a tragic accident. I was never able to thank him for being so amazing, for never treating me any different than my brothers who were his biologically...for showing me what real love really is. My heart is broken in so many ways. Now my mom is pressuring me to find my bio dad so I can meet him and I just don't know how to. I do think I have found him, at least contact info but I'm just not ready and honestly don't even know what to say when I do. I feel I had a full life with 2 parents that loved me very much and now I find out there is this whole other person out there that I'm told I'm just like...how is that so? I'm lost and just don't know what to do or even how to do it. I'm told he loved me and came by my grandmother's house several times a year to check on me after I was born for the first 5 years of my life. He just wasn't ready for a baby when my mom found out. My dad who raised me was her best friend and offered to marry her but said he wanted me to be his, he didn't want another man coming and going from my life and hurting me. Any suggestions on how I should handle this? How do I contact him after all this time?

 
sdks2011

Asked by sdks2011 at 4:55 PM on Mar. 7, 2013 in Relationships

Level 20 (9,157 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • Blood does not a father make, he might be biological but the one that raised you should carry the honors...it is up to you whether you want to contact him, he could have tried harder to contact you!
    older

    Answer by older at 5:14 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Do you even WANT to contact your bio dad? Anyone can be a dad, it takes someone special to be a father. Sorry for your loss BTW. After all this time would it accomplish anything. Don't give in to pressure to find him if your heart just isn't in it. Gotta start asking yourself what it is you want. He may be an amazing person or a complete arse. I don't know how you feel about letting a stranger into your life at this point. Bio dad or not he's not someone you know. If you meet him keep it in a public place for now.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 5:16 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Do not let your mother pressure you to do something you are not ready for. Accept that ou may never be ready to contact him. Your father (the one that raised you) knew that you loved him and raised you like you were his child because you were. You sharp red a father daughter bond and that didn't just go away when you were told of your biological parental unit.

    I think if it were me, I would want to get on top of my feelings about my father that had passed (forgiveness and amends) and then consider how I feel about bio-dad and what kind of relationship I would want / how much room in my life I had for this new person. Once I felt ready I guess I would make contact and meet, already having considered my boundaries which could change depending on how things progressed and how we got along.
    Good luck.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 5:30 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • You have (had, sorry for your loss there) a dad. It's up to you if you want to contact your bio father. Some people would feel the need to, so they would know, to give them closure, for medical history, whatever. Others feel, like you seem to, that they had a parent who filled that role and that there's no reason to disrupt everyone's life by meeting the bio parent.

    If you don't want to meet him, then don't. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have worked to have one. If he wants one now, he could find you, I'm sure. Don't let your mom convince you to do something you're not ready to do or may never want to do.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 5:50 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • I'm sorry, I think it's wrong to keep secrets, it does more damage in the long run.  I never understood the idea of telling the truth about a childs biology when they are grown.  however, try to put yourself in your parents position.  It was a different time and they did what they thought was best at the time.  In hind sight they may have done things differently too.  


    Your dad didn't need to be thanked.  He was your dad simply because he loved you.

    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 5:51 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • That should read 'you shared a father daughter bond that didn't go away when you were told of bio-dad'.

    Bottom line, only do what you are comfortable with.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 6:21 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • You need to do what you feel is right. I'm sure there were multiple times in your 33 years that bio-dad COULD have found you if he wanted to. He chose not to.
    The man who loved you and raised you is your dad.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 6:38 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Your dad is the man who loved you and helped to raise you. Don't let your mom pressure you into doing anything till you're ready, if you're ever ready.

    I had a friend who found out at about your age that her mom was artificially inseminiated, so the man she thought was her bio dad,who died when she was a teenager, turned out not to be. She eventually came to the point where she decided her dad was the man who had been there for her whole life, the one she had good memories with.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:59 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • You have a father and he died. Your bio dad is just that - he donated biological material to you. I would not let your mom pressure you. I am puzzled as to why she would be pressuring you. Seems odd. I also don't understand why you were lied to for 33 years. Talk with a therapist and hopefully she can help you reach a decision that you will be comfortable with. Good luck.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 7:03 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

  • Thank you all for your comments, gives me more to think about. I do know I am not ready right now...I am still mourning my dad, the only one I've ever known. He was an incredible man. I knew he was long before I found this out and learning this has only strengthened my belief in him...he was there when no one else was and I miss him terribly. I can't help but think my mom is pressuring me because she is having that what if feeling. I feel like she is hoping all this will rekindle the fire they once had. My dad and her have been divorced for over ten years and she has remained alone. Since his death a couple months ago she has been saying things like he was my husband and I was the mother of his kids, all boohoo for her cause she is hurting yet she is the one that left...my dad begged her not to leave and now she is acting like this. She is lonely but she can't use me like this with bio.
    sdks2011

    Comment by sdks2011 (original poster) at 8:03 PM on Mar. 7, 2013

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