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Feel like a rat in a trap

my daughter and my two grandsons live with me. she was a teen mom with the first. she went to school and worked. she finished high school got two schalarships. with the second she was in community college. she was out of work 1 1/2 years. finally got a job and i watch the kids. shes 22 the dads are out of the picture one is in the army and hasn't seen his son in 8 months. the other one will be on the road working until june.
had a chance to take a trip with some friends and she laid a guilt trip on me about im the only one she has to watch the kids. i have already bought the tickets the person im going with bought hers two and paid for two hotels while we were gone we were suppose to leave in two weeks. i feel caught in the middle. the tickets to the concert are non refundable. don't know what to do.

Answer Question

Asked by carolina54 at 2:20 AM on Mar. 8, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 7 (179 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • GO, sounds like you really need it.

    Answer by dmr73059 at 10:56 PM on Mar. 10, 2013

  • the other set of grand parents one grandma lives back east and the other is in colorado helping her sons wife out with the baby they just had and a 18 month old. the grandfathers one works and the my husband is deceased. were looking at and sitter city. its hard to let strangers babysit your kids (grandkids). one of her friends told her she won't know until the 18th and the other said the 15th. i would leave the 20th. she recently had dental surgery pulled two back teeth. had to miss a week of work. she just started back.
    she does help around the house with groceries . i know i'm enabling her but i worry about my grandsons. she just started this job 4 months ago and there are only three cashiers. by the way shes only 22

    Comment by carolina54 (original poster) at 10:24 PM on Mar. 10, 2013

  • Go on your trip.. I know from experience the kids depend on us to much.. She should have gotten someone to fill in while your gone. She is an adult and you weren't the one that made her have sex and get pregnant. If you are like me you need a break sometimes.

    Answer by nanna1967 at 2:52 PM on Mar. 9, 2013

  • I think you can still go as planned, but just communicate about it. Rather than getting mad in return & essentially saying "Tough, this is not wrong, it's not my problem if you're upset or inconvenienced," just acknowledge what is going on.

    She relies on you to take care of her boys while she works. This is an established situation.

    Maybe you didn't communicate with her before taking steps to purchase tickets & make plans. (Maybe you did.) Just acknowledge how your going out of town does impact her, and that (if appropriate/relevant) you wish you had handled it differently, such as letting her know what you were considering, or giving her more notice about it. (Were you afraid she'd object & so you just bought the tickets? Maybe you avoided talking about it to avoid having "an issue"?)

    If you can, engage in some problem-solving with her. Ask her "What about...?" or come up with a suggestion if you can. How long is the trip?

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:13 AM on Mar. 8, 2013

  • I agree with all of the PP and would add, you should let her know that by guilting you she is setting you up for some serious resentment. Guilt is something that two people participate in. If you continue with your plans you are not buying into it and she has an opportunity to support YOU for a change!

    Answer by tessiedawg at 8:45 AM on Mar. 8, 2013

  • PS-Could the other sets of grandparents help her out?

    Answer by jerseydiva at 8:28 AM on Mar. 8, 2013

  • I would tell her she had better start looking, it might be nice to remind her she made the choice to have unprotected sex, and you have been taking care of them and her for quite a long while, I would ask around to everyone I know, there are centers who will watch children on short term basis, go on your trip and enjoy yourself!

    Answer by jerseydiva at 8:28 AM on Mar. 8, 2013

  • Look, I appreciate my mom watching my kids when I need it, and I do count on her at times to do so. But I always ask her, and I realize she has her own life beyond being my mom and my kids grandma.

    Go on your trip. Your daughter should have figured out a back up plan for childcare already anyway, in case you were to be working, sick, injured, or who knows what when she needs someone to watch the kids. It's her problem to deal with, not yours. Don't feel guilty for having your own life.

    If you really feel obligated to do something for her, you could pay for any extra money she has to spend on childcare while you're gone - but I wouldn't even do that.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:22 AM on Mar. 8, 2013

  • Go on your trip. This would not be fair to your friend to cancel on her now.

    Answer by MooNFaeRie30 at 6:38 AM on Mar. 8, 2013

  • Go! This is a good lesson for your DD. These are her kids and you've made it too easy for her. This would be terribly unfair to your friend also. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, where are the boys families? 


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 5:52 AM on Mar. 8, 2013

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