18, HS, Bi-polar, disrespectful, BF's son!

BF & I moved in together last Aug his ex dropped his 18 yr son off and ran off. He's been diagnosed as bi-polar BF won't get him on med's cuz he don't believe it. His mood swings match my own menopausal ones. BF is 57 I'm 45 my 18 yr old is also living with us and he's sick of the disrespectful, no manners, gross pig. BF says he just wants to get him through HS. Well that didn't turn out so well! He failed HS and was moved into "adult ed type classes" goes at his own pass, which would be perfect if he went. He skipped school 3 of the 4 days he was supposed to go (Monday was a snow day) we live about 4 blocks from school! I say he should be grounded for 1 week per skipped day. He got NOTHING for skipping. BF just told him don't let it happen again. My son left for a friends house for 2 weeks just to get away from him. We went to the Lake House for a romantic weekend. I mopped the floor Thursday before we left on Friday. We got home Sunday afternoon and there were dirty sticky footprints across my kitchen floor (kitchen is huge takes 2 hours to sweep and properly mop this floor). I was miffed! I said who dirtied my floor. He was supposed to make his son remop it. He didn't the next day I was taking care of something I looked at the wall and there was squished citrus on it! (now I know how the floor got sticky) I showed it to BF he said I'll take care of it... nothing happened, later found another spot below the window, and another by fridge the floor was sticky! I asked his son to mop it got the bucket put cleaner in and he said "why I cleaned and mopped right before you guys got home!" then got into my face and said "how do you know YOU didn't do it!" I said I hadn't even stepped off the mud carpet YET! (this was before I even found the squished citrus. Needless to say BF mopped, cleaned citrus mess up. I've tried everything to help him abide by the rules even going so far as to buy him a whole pizza for cleaning his room (which lasted not even a day). I have a bathroom upstairs that is female friendly (keep toilet seat down) He kept leaving it up. So I got ticked and duct taped it down. BF got mad at me I got mad period. So his son went out and bought a hose and started PEEING out the window. He never holds open doors, burps aloud, blows his nose when your eatting, makes huge mess's and won't clean up. Takes dishes and food upstairs to his room or in basement to media room and hides the dishes! I'm at my wits end esp when my children say "YOU never would have let us get away with that" What can I do BF won't make him mind. He just cleans up after him and when I say anything he will ask me "why do you make such a big deal out of it. It is a big deal when I was working 12 hr shifts 5 days a week we live in a 2 story house 4 br, 2 bath huge kitchen and wooden floors through out... it's a lot to clean. I don't need to clean up after someone who always says... I'm 18 get off my back! MY house my rules but BF doesn't see this! And please don't say kick him out... I don't have authority to do so or his stinky, piggy butt would be on the curb post hast.

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Asked by Metabea at 4:54 PM on Mar. 9, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

16 Level 3

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The only suggestion I have for you and I am being completely honest here.... Kick him out. If you BF doesn't agree, he goes with him. I would never settle for that kind of a relationship. My kids were out of the house after graduation. I am your age, well just a few years older. I love my freedom.

Answer by m-avi at 5:26 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 258320 Level 47 Adult Children (18+) 101

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Personally I would ask bf to make his son leave. If he won't then maybe bf needs to live elsewhere until son is gone. I could not live like that.
An 18 yo needs to be either full time in school or full time working and pay rent.

Answer by missanc at 5:26 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 136903 Level 41 Adult Children (18+) 101

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If it's YOUR house, yes, you do have the authority to kick him out. If it's your boyfriend's house, then I guess you have two choices: either suck it up and live with this, or move out. If it's his house, he's made it clear he's not going to make his son be responsible in any way, so there's really nothing you can do. As far as school - he's 18. You can't really ground an 18 yr old. He can drop out if he wants and there's really nothing anyone can do about it. Personally, if it was my kid, I'd tell him if he's not going to school, he needs to get a job and help out financially, but...doesn't sound like your boyfriend will do that, so again, not much you can do.

Time to quit looking for ways to make him grow up and start deciding if you want to continue to deal with this or move out and move on.

Answer by wendythewriter at 5:31 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 41737 Level 29 Adult Children (18+) 101

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When I asked him if he asked him last night about cleaning up the citrus off the walls he says "Oh I forgot" When his son got in my face as asked me if I was sure I didn't do it. I almost throat punched him... called BF and said I"m done!! I can't deal with this anymore! But true is I have no where to go! I let my apt go when we moved in together last August have no $$ for a deposit and first months rent to get a place of my own. But he's been kissing butt this last week. Son works part time at local pizza place but never has $$ and BF has to take his $$ to help him out. He paid him 20 buck for lunch but he skipped the 4 days and the other was snow day and he had the balls to come up and say... so are you still going to keep giving me 20 bucks for lunch I was wondering if I could get next weeks today (sat) I looked at BF and said he should still have the 20 bucks from this week so don't give him another 20.. He did!!

Comment by Metabea (original poster) at 5:31 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 16 Level 3
Personally, I'd start saving your money and get a place. Let the two of them live together and enable each other.

Answer by Ballad at 5:51 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
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You do have the authority to leave though. I would not stay with some one like that.

Answer by louise2 at 5:59 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 92095 Level 37 Adult Children (18+) Minor

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Did you meet and spend some time with your bf's son before you decided to move in with him?
Before his Mom dropped him off, had you ever met him?
It sounds like noone really knows each other well enough to be able to live together.

Answer by virginiamama71 at 7:11 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 67739 Level 34 Adult Children (18+) 101

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He's obviously not going back to school so instead of fighting with (or about ) him all the time, pick your battles. Dad needs to handle it. It's Dad's house so it's the boy's home that you have moved into and invaded in his opinion. He probably just wants it to be his and dad's bachelor pad and trying to get rid of you and your sons. A lot of teens test and try to sabotage a parents' relationship. Remember that mom left him. That has to hurt. He's probably taking it out on you. He can still be a tax dependent for Dad so Dad will get his $20 back. The boy shouldn't be without a dime in his pocket. Help build his self esteem and he might cut you some slack. He needs to be guided not attacked. You cannot change him but you can change how you react to his shananigans. He's not going anywhere so back up and regroup. Find out what he likes and guide him to a vocational school. Maybe he'll do better learning a trade

Answer by admckenzie at 7:52 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
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I would definitely start saving your money. Shit, the hotels here charge $125 a week for a room and let you pay by the week. It might help you save a little money and keep working while you have a roof over your head without the commitment of a lease. IMO, he is not going to all the sudden start making changes in the way he handles his son if he sees you sitting around and taking it. Maybe just moving out will be enough to show him you're serious. Plus, it will leave him to take care of this mess himself.

Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 8:12 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 93302 Level 37 Adult Children (18+) 101

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We dated a year before we decided to move in together. At the time his son was only coming on the weekends. We had him every other and we took both boys to craigs crusiers, movies etc. At the time he was sharing a house with a friend and I was in my own apartment and we decided to get the house here because his son still needed to finish his Senior year. He grew up with $$$ and now that he doesn't have that coming in he doesn't understand my rules. I know every parents have different rules but my #1 rule is respect, manners trails very closely behind that. BF just thinks if he cleans up the messes it will smooth over everything. Not in my book. I would have had my tax $ but just before that my truck was totaled due to some stupid woman who pulled out in front of me and I ended up hitting a tree. So PL & PD didn't pay anything. So I had to take my taxes to buy a new car. Cuz I was planning on using that to get out.

Comment by Metabea (original poster) at 9:05 PM on Mar. 9, 2013
Credits: 16 Level 3