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Husband & I have been married 12 years living together 13 years. His work over the last 3 years has taken him to some questionable destinations, some of which I would not put on my must do holiday destinations.

He and I rarely spend time together as his work has him in some destinations for around 97% of his work time. We have disconnected in the heart as Asian women have entered the domain where I would have had been with my husband. Gherkins claims that they wish to utilise their English but I've had the conversation with him stating that they are liking for a cheap way out of their misery regardless of the mans married status. He knows where I am talking from as he and I have a lot to lose emotionally and financially also. This is number 3 marriage for us both. We are not stupid but he says the spark has gone for hom! He says if I can be myself the spark might return! Please help have been working on myself but told him he too needs some work on himself if he wants his spark to return. Help

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Asked by Kitclem at 7:53 AM on Mar. 11, 2013 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. You and he need marriage counseling. Good luck!

    Answer by Bmat at 7:55 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • We have already been there with ciunselling, we both attended however he stated that I need to change ie with behavioural attitudes, he may be right, I haven't taken control of my emotions for the best part, so working on that, however I told him that e too needs to be responsible for his. He face to pines me everyday & so engines twice. I have through spirit drawn back giving energy, now he des the FaceTime calling. I only connect with his fine when I consider a priority. I'm here holding the fort for months on end and I'm exhausted! I'm a full time student, 58years of age looking at being alone in my retirement years ven though I've contributed to our long term retirement fund. Kit

    Comment by Kitclem (original poster) at 8:05 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • gherkins?

    Answer by winterglow at 8:10 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:33 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • I know what an edible gherkin is :) which is why the phrase "Gherkins claims that they wish to utilise their English " surprised me


    Answer by winterglow at 8:53 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • I am sorry. But please rewrite this. I can understand most of it.
    If that counseling did not help find a different counselor, but both parties need to be willing to work on the problems and both need to change.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:17 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • I am assuming some auto-correct hanky-panky is involved in some of the typing issues (I have seen "Henderson" substituted for "hence" when someone made a typing mistake, lol, so maybe "Gherkins" got plugged in for another proper name or word....) I thought perhaps the husband claimed that the Asian women were coming around in order to practice their English.

    I am not sure what the "He face to pines me everyday & so engines twice" and "I only connect with his fine when I consider a priority" mean literally, but I gather that it's about what is going on in their long distance relationship--those probably are technologies, ways the husband stays in contact long distance. And the OP has shut down or pulled away somewhat so that she no longer is putting out a significant effort ("giving energy.") Now he is using the FaceTime application to call.

    It sounds like he's is hopeful that things can change & is open to a future together.

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:13 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • It also sounds like you are feeling threatened or insecure because of what is going on (or what you fear may go on) while he is far away. I imagine that is particularly stressful and makes change/improvement more challenging. It's the equivalent of feeling demoralized.

    It seems like the distance/separation in your relationship is a big challenge, considering the existing difficulties.

    Working together with a counselor who can take all this into account and can support you both in addressing the snags that come up (such as difficulties with communication, or challenges around negotiating an issue or disagreement long-distance), might help a lot.

    It seems like you REALLY don't want to give up at this point in your life, and after trying (and this might be mutual for you both) but you are feeling pessimistic or fatalistic because of the existing situation. Maybe try to zero in on that in solution-focused counseling?

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:20 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Thank you for listening, yes I Di wish to keep this relationship alive. Think typographical errors in my original message gave incorrect meaning. Don't know where gherkins came from and the pines either. I meant to write we face time on our iPhones daily with each other, sometimes twice. He has indicated that trying to do the reconnect (us getting to a heart to heart) on face time not productive. I feel that he is right, he has work issues to deal with right there and now, and that what we have to deal with, has to wait until he is here at home in the physical! He likes very much to be in control of this, he is enjoying his Asian female connections and doesn't want to mix the two-marriage too hard right now, it's easier to have fun with the Asian ladies. He still wears his wedding ring and he has told these females he is married. Is this a positive sign? I need some reassurance

    Comment by Kitclem (original poster) at 4:12 PM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • So he is messing around/having sex with some other females. what are you going to do about it. Stay or leave?

    Answer by louise2 at 4:15 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

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