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How do I get her to realize...

Okay, so my sweet sister in law is pregnant (first time) and so am I (third time). I LOVE HER TO DEATH however...she continually insists that I have FOUR kids and I have so much more on my plate because I have been a mother for 10 years. Which I understand, it is what it is to her. I have a stepson who is 10, however I did not give birth to him, I do not have four kids, I have two currently and one on the way. The 10 year old I adore but I didn't come into his life until he was a year old and we only have him every other weekend. I treat him as my own of course. I want to help with her baby shower but because (things she says) I will have "four kids to take care of" she doesn't want my help and she keeps saying things like "Family of SIX" when 95% of the time we are only a family of four (almost 5). My boys are spread FAR apart, (10, 8, 4) so it's not like I have to do a ton for any of them...I think it kind of hurts my feelings...I understand that it would be a lot for her to take on, but I am experienced and I have a clue as to how things happen and how to work around them, I just wish she didn't cancel me out automatically because in her mind I have "FOUR KIDS to take care of"...I suppose this is more of a rant...comments welcome.


Asked by Anonymous at 11:18 AM on Mar. 11, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (33)
  • I think people sometimes try to be understanding the only way they can, based on their perceptions of how they would feel in our situation. It's not the same scenario, but I get it a lot as a blind mom. How it must be hard and stressful to keep up with my daughter, how I must be overwhelmed, etc. I'm not unduly stressed, since I've always been blind an learned to adapt, but people are coming from a perspective of how they would feel. As a first time mom-to-be, your SIL can barely imagine how caring for several kids at once would feel--overwhelming!

    Could you volunteer to do the part of the party that means the most to you, such as food or games, instead of the whole thing?

    As far as the kids, I'm not married to my boyfriend, so it gets unclear. But I've been in the lives of his kids for ten years. I usually say I've got one child of my own and two stepkids. But that doesn't make me feel like they're any less mine.

    Answer by Ballad at 1:30 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • She is correct in that you have three children to take care of in the home and you are pregnant with number 4 that you have to take care of as well. She is trying to be considerate of you. And you are hung up on whether the child who live with you 1/2 the time is under your care?
    Enjoy the party.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:49 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • I think your hormones are going crazy b/c she's trying to be considerate & your getting offended.

    Answer by 3libras at 11:56 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • I agree with her that you have 4 kids. Just as I have 5 grandchildren- 3 are bio and 2 came with my son's wife. I love and treat them all equally and consider them all mine.

    Answer by Bmat at 11:34 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • I think she is trying to let you down in an easy non-offensive way. She doesn't want your help at this point. Maybe just tell her it's no trouble and not that big of a deal. If she doesn't need your help then that is fine but that you are there for her is she needs you, then let it rest. She probably cares about you and doesn't want to hurt our feelings by just saying she doesn't want your help with this. For the sake of the relationship, it's probably best to just drop it and attend as a supportive family member and try to have fun.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 11:48 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Just attend the baby shower and have fun
    Congratulations to you and her

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 11:22 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • I'm not sure why this bothers you so much. My husband always tell people he has 5 kids, although my oldest 3 aren't biologically his, he considers them his also (but they live with us except for eowe, so maybe it's different).
    It sounds like she's just trying to spare you any extra work. Or maybe she just doesn't want you to help.

    Answer by missanc at 11:23 AM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • LET IT GO. Again if ort when she needs your help she will ask. Keep harping and it only makes you look psychotic and controlling. DROP IT.

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 12:37 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • But she said she didn't want your help. You are going to make it turn ugly if you persist. It's time to let this one go, for both of you.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 12:40 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • So accept the number 4 whole heartedly. When she says that, just say to yourself (and her if you want) how fortunate and honored you are to have every one of them in your life. How you couldn't imagine it any other way. THEN accept that she doesn't want help and let it go.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 12:47 PM on Mar. 11, 2013