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4 Bumps

Am I wrong?

Long story short, my mother was not really a mother to me as a child. She never really had my back in the sense that when some of the things that have happened to me were happening, she didn't try to stop them nor did she believe me. My question is now that she is older, she is having some health issues and I find myself not all that concerned. She had to go to for a test recently and she called me and told me when and why she was going and I didn't ask any questions. She called me after she went and still, I had no questions. Even when she started telling me how it went and what her diagnosis was, still I felt compelled to say nothing. It's like it didn't really phase me or bother me. My question is, is this normal? Should I be more of a "concerned daughter" even if I don't really feel that way? I am feeling guilty because I don't feel guilty (if that makes any sense). Not looking to be bashed, just for some advice. Thank you.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:42 PM on Mar. 11, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • That would be an interesting question for a therapist.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 5:46 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • It sounds like you have a lot of resentment toward her. If you just didn't care about her, you'd ask a few questions, just as you would with a co-worker, neighbor, etc—because it's polite. Obviously, something happened that fueled this strong resentment. I think you need to decide whether the resentment is worth it; whether it's serving a positive or negative purpose in your life at this point. Obviously you didn't cut her out of your life, which begs the question: why didn't you, if you resent her so much? I'm not suggesting that you should—that's not my place to say, as an outsider who knows you from one post on a message board—but that you figure out why you didn't.
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 5:49 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • You know what, I feel the same way about my mom. She basically abandoned me at 2. She was in & out (mainly out) of my like until I was 18. She loves to complain about her health & she'll tell me stuff like that and, like you, I basically feel nothing.
    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 5:53 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • oops, "life", not "like" ^^^
    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 5:54 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Without knowing just how badly she hurt you, it's hard to say how you should react to her health issues. But please consider this. She's still your mom, & what would happen if she was no longer in your life? What happens if she dies & you did not resolve your issues? Could YOU live with that? Once she's no longer around, there's no chance of working past your problems. This could be the opportunity to do that. The ball's in your court now. Search your heart & decide what you need to do.

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:56 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Let me just say that she's not now nor has ever been ALL BAD. She has done a lot for me and my children, but she has also hurt me pretty deeply. I am just confused as to why I don't feel bad is all I was asking,
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 6:00 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • See a therapist.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:07 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Tit for tat?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:08 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Time to forgive her and be there for her while she deals with her health issues, we never know when we are faced with the same and who will or will not be there for us.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 6:14 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

  • Your feelings are what they are. They're not wrong or right, they just are. My mom hurt me pretty badly when I was a child, too, and on into my adult years. We have very little contact now. I like to think I would express some concern if she had health problems, the way I would for any other human being. But I can't say if I would feel anything or not, since I haven't been in that situation yet. You're not wrong for how you feel, and only you can decide how you will act, or not act, on your feelings or lack of them. I was told once, and I think it's true, that the opposite of hate is not love, it's indifference. Hate takes energy; indifference doesn't.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:40 PM on Mar. 11, 2013

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