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Need a life

when do we parents get our lifes back. i need to vent here . i have been raising kids and taking care of things since i was 10 years old . im now 58. my my was an alcholic and she died of it. i took care of my brother and sister. then at 24 got married and 4 beautiful children . one passed a way when she was 5. found out she was terminally ill when i was 8 months pregnant.
my husband was a way a lot driving trucks so i practically raised our three kids a lone. we were married 31 years before he passed a way.
my youngest daughter was a teen mom who finished high school and recieved two scalorships. held her job for three
went to community college. then got pregant again. was out of work for a year and a half. has two kids now and still lives with me her mom me. dads aren't in the picture. has a job now and works odd hours. she just had dental surgery and had to take a week off. works part time. says she can't get off those days i would be gone. afraid sh would lose her job. shes only been there 4 months. my daughter is 22
have a chance to go to a concert and i'll be gone three days. we got into one h_l of and arguement. she telling its not the right time , that i was being selfish , so on and so on. the person i was lady i was going with she ws driving has booked two hotels and making plans on what sightseeing. i have to call her now and tell her i can't go because my daughter doesn't have a babysitter. im her primary and only one. sometimes i feel like giving up and say you win. i feel defeated. don't know what to do.
looking for babysitters for grandsons but its so hard finding the right one.

Answer Question
 
carolina54

Asked by carolina54 at 5:30 AM on Mar. 12, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 7 (179 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • That is hard. I can see why you feel awful at the thought of leaving either person (your friend or your daughter) in the lurch. I can understand your daughter's situation. And yours, too. Wanting to go away is not wrong. The timing of it, given her recent sick days, is hard for your daughter.
    My suggestions are to try to hear your daughter's accusations (you're being selfish, etc.) as expressions of her upset & fear around the situation, and as an indication of how much she feels she NEEDS to control the outcome, rather than as judgments/accusations that either are true or not true. If you stay, it is not because you "have to" or because you're stuck, she won, etc. It's because between the two situations, you chose to help, to respond to the distress she feels & honor your own sense of concern about it. If you go, it's not because you're selfish or cold; it's a choice. Try to feel your freedom here, and begin to make choices.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:54 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • The other part I would suggest is to keep looking for a substitute childcare option. Maybe broaden the scope of what you're considering. I am a SAHM and really don't use babysitters, and when my husband & I needed to be at a lengthy medical appointment a few hours away (right after we learned we were expecting twins) I started trying to figure out what we could do with our daughter other than take her along for all that time. I called her former preschool teacher (she had just retired) because they had a rapport but she was going to be away. She recommended I try the assistant teacher from her class, who had left to have a baby (and now was at home with the baby & another child she babysat during the day.) Think about any SAHM's you or your daughter or someone else might know, and find out if they could keep the boys. Maybe your daughter could take only one of the days off, get childcare for 2. Or could she trade shifts/days?
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:00 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • OK. She is the one being selfish. You need to inform her she is a grown up now. And you can do what ever you want, when you want. In form her she needs to find a different sitter for her play time. You need to get it in your head that you are not responsible for babysitting and raising her kids. If I were you I would tell her to start finding somewhere else to live.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:57 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • She doesn't have any friends who could babysit?
    Your local Social Services can steer her towards safe sitters
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 7:15 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • run away from home and enjoy it
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:04 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • FUCK YOUR DAUGHTER! She is an adult and can find someone else. ITs time YOU did something for yourself and her to start being an adult.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:15 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • As long as you enable her, you'll never have a life!
    You brought this up before and I remember telling you to go!!!
    They will be there when you get back.. You're allowing your daughter to control you and make you feel guilty and for that she's wrong and you're an idiot for allowing it!
    Stop it now and enjoy living a little! Life is so short!
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 9:44 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • I agree w/ girlwithC that your daughter is probably afraid, but she is an adult, the children are her responsibility not yours. She's lucky that you're willing to watch them for her most of the time. It's her responsibility to have alternative care for days when you can't or have something else you'd like to do. It might be time for her to start finding regular care elsewhere anyway. It may not be the right time for her, but it's the right time for you.

    I understand how you feel. My youngest brother was born when I was 12 & he was my responsibility a large amount of the time. I remember I couldn't be in my high school play unless I could take him to my rehearsals. I adored him, so it didn't bother me. My parents friends all had younger kids because my parents had me at 17, so I was always the childcare. I had my 1st at 21 & have 3 sons.

    I adore my boys, but I'm ready to have a life of my own-before I'm to old to enjoy it!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:17 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • What about something like care.com? Could you find a sitter there? I think you're burned out, and you'll regret it if you miss this chance to go on vacation with a friend.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 10:51 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

  • You are a prisoner in her life. I so get where you are coming from. We try to help however there is a point where we have to make changes. I suggest that you 1st cancel this concert plan for now and help her get things organized so the burden is off of you. You can always make plans for another fun adventure once you have your freedom. Enabling our kids to not take responsibilty can happen so easily. It is actually a great thing that the opportunity came up for you to see that things need to change. If we don't make things happen, life will go on the same. Keep looking for daycare for her and you will find the right one. It is her responsibilty, but she has it so easy that she is taking you for granted and probably is in no hurry to find other care. Since she is making no effort, I would take care of it. Hang in there, you are not alone. :-)
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 11:03 AM on Mar. 12, 2013

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