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how do i get my sons father to bond with him

My son is 12 and his father has recently left us. My husband never really understood son and now that he has left seems to have given up. How can i get them to become closer, bearing in mind that violence was in issue between them over the last year so it has to be supervised access.

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Asked by chocolover680 at 4:40 AM on Feb. 16, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (7)
  • its a tough situation, normally anytime there is violence between a boy and his father it can take years for any type of bond to form, my DH is a good example of that, he left home at 18 for the military to get away from it once he came home from desert storm he and his dad started to work things out it took years for them to have the relationship they have now.

    My friends son who also went through this is almost 16 and has alot of anger, right now for him trying to push him to bond with the abuser wouldnt work he is too angry and hurt, sometimes all you can do is let time pass, it will never heal but the damage is too fresh

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:05 AM on Feb. 16, 2009

  • You don't.

    You are not in control of your ex's behavior.

    The best thing is to find your son some acceptable male role models - and let him know that this is his father's problem - NOT his.

    Concentrate on what you can change - don't waste time on what you can't.

    If you have a church or extended family, I'd start there. Even try "Big Brothers" program....

    Answer by Wimsey at 6:55 AM on Feb. 16, 2009

  • Have him watch Life as a House

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:39 AM on Feb. 16, 2009

  • There is nothing that you can do to make this happen. What you can do is look for a "father figure" who would be willing to spend some quality time with your son, doing things that he enjoys doing. It could be a grandfather, an uncle, a neighbor, anyone who is willing to take your son under his wing. The church is also a good place to find men who are willing to mentor younger men and boys. Just because a man is capable of fathering a child does not mean that he is capable of parenting that child. If I were you, I would explain that fact to my son and ask him to forgive me for choosing a father for him who was not capable of being a good dad for him. If you don't do that, your son is very likely to feel like there is something wrong with him or that it was somehow his fault, and you certainly don't want him to feel like he is to blame for any of this.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:16 PM on Feb. 16, 2009

  • You can't. This has to be up to your ex. you really should not even encourage it if he has been violent because he is not a good influence for your child and it's not a safe relationship. Leave it alone.

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 2:31 PM on Feb. 17, 2009

  • my ex left us and there was no violence but there was some verbal abuse. My ex ignored our kids because they are autistic. not perfect enough for him. I would never push for a relationship if love is not there. considering the kind of jerk my ex is, both my son and daughter are better off without him. but if they want to seek him out when they are older or he changes his mind in the future, then that's ok by me. They will someday learn for themselves the kind of man their father is. (sorry I vented didn't I)

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:15 PM on Feb. 17, 2009

  • I don't have a definite answer for you, but right or wrong as Mom I would be thinking the same way you are. I would want my son to have the "best possible" relationship with his Dad. That may never be a perfect relationship, but he only gets one Dad and I would want it to be as good as it can be. Encourage them to continue seeing each other (supervised). Do you talk to Dad at all? Can you make sure he continues to get information about what your son is doing, what his interests are, his grades, things like that to keep him involved. Send him pictures regularly.... I don't know if it will work, but I would have to try.

    Answer by BJoan at 2:00 PM on Feb. 21, 2009

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