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9 Bumps

Am I being unreasonable?

I've been dating this amazing man for over 2yrs now. He has no kids, I have 3, we have none together and won't as I'm fixed. I'm 34, he's 30. We live in different cities and only see each other on the weekends. Every other weekend, I have my kids. My SO and I get along great and are very much in love. We have been talking about moving in together and getting married. The only reason we haven't is because he has a great job where he lives and my kids are in school here. He has agreed to wait til my daughter graduates from high school next yr, then I will move in with him. The problem is that I will still have my 2 boys every other weekend and he thinks it will be a problem based on their history. They have climbed out the window of their room (I live on the 1st floor), talk back to me, swear a lot, don't come home when they are supposed to, don't clean up after themselves and are generally disrespectful. I think their behavior has improved over the last 2 yrs but he disagrees.

Sunday night he sent me a message saying we needed to talk. This whole week we have talked about how unfair it is to him, how other people that have been dating less amount of time are getting married, and how he really wants to be with me but won't have my children misbehaving in his house.

I just don't know what to do. I really love him and I love my kids. Help.

 
tempsingl3mom

Asked by tempsingl3mom at 6:41 PM on Mar. 14, 2013 in Relationships

Level 26 (27,595 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (27)
  • I still haven't seen an answer about whether the behavior is current or past. I look at this, too, "he really wants to be with me but won't have my children misbehaving in his house."

    I do NOT read him asking you to choose, him or them. I read it as him insisting that they behave themselves and NOT disrespect you and NOT climb out the windows and NOT cuss and come home when they are supposed to.. etc. And to stop it before they find themselves in handcuffs.

    In other words, he's expecting standards. He's asked to come up with a plan to get them under control. I think that's SMART. And wouldn't it be better if the two of you get them under control before someone else does, like the police?
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:27 AM on Mar. 16, 2013

  • Frankly, I'd end it. I had a similar relationship. Men who have no kids have lots of opinions on how to raise them and what they won't "tolerate", but they have no clue what it's like to be a parent. And if you feel that your children are fine, or improving, then that is all that matters. Plus, if you're living together, it's not HIS house, it's YOUR (the both of you) house, and he doesn't rule the roost.

    Besides, he sounds pretty selfish. Complaining about how unfair this is to him? How about how unfair it is to you to expect you to uproot your children for him? No. He doesn't sound worth it to me.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 6:55 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • kick him to the curb. no man should ever make you choose between his kids.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 6:44 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • PLEASE don't choose him over your kids
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 6:52 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • So your first instinks aren't to tell him. It is over. For now my kids come first. Or at least say. I guess our relationship will stay the same tell my kids are grown. Because they come first.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:53 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • You're in a quandry and it's too bad you've invested 2 years of your life with a man who has decided he wants nothing to do with your boys because of their lack of respect towards you.
    My kids will ALWAYS come before a man and honestly, I'd be pissed at him for putting you in the position of having yo chose.
    They will always be your children and he needs to understand that as long as you're with him so are the kids. He's the one that needs to make a decision, not you.
    When he said "he won't have children misbehaving in HIS house" this throws up a huge red flag for me! If you move in with him, it's no longer his, it's yours!
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 7:08 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • i would say first of all get control of the kids, tough love time momma, it isn't fair to be mad at him, for not wanting to deal with it, it would have been fantastic if he had mentioned this before, but kids come first, and I think he is using it a bit as an excuse because now things are heading that way. To be truthful if he desires no children, then what is the rush?
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 7:31 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • I agree that people who do not have children have no idea what it is like. Your first responsibility is to your kids. If you are meant to be with this guy then it will work out eventually. I don't believe you said the age of the boys, but perhaps it is best to wait until they are out of HS also.
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:03 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • I made the mistake of moving in with a guy who wasnt very fond of my kids behavior. His opinion of them never improved. As a matter of fact his opinion of me deteriorated because of what he saw as my parenting fails.
    He was the only person they had ever come across (out side of their idiot bio) who couldn't find some good in them.

    He looked for things to complain about.

    After we moved out he came to visit my new place while my oldest boy was there and he tried to wrestle with the kid. 3 years of pent up rage dislocated the asshole's elbow.

    We never saw him again and we are all much happier.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 7:25 PM on Mar. 14, 2013

  • Well I can't say that I think he is being unreasonable as you yourself have basically said the boys are out of control. If he is suggesting that you will have to be a little stricter with them in order for this to have a happy ending, well you need to be laying the cards all out on the line before you move in together. If you agree then there is no problem except for figuring out what measures you are going to take to help the behave.
    If you can't agree or he is suggesting that you choose him or your children then I say it is better that these issues be layed out before the move rather than after. and It is time to say goodbye.

    I think you both need to be honest with each other on what you expect and what you can not deal with in a relationship. That saves a lot of hurt in the long run.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 9:22 PM on Mar. 14, 2013