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Dh's insecurities concerning his me & his bff are really confusing & wearing on me.. (Really long, sorry)

I was young & skinny when dh & I got together, & I had a lot of male friends, & got a little attention from other males. I never encouraged it, flirted, or did anything sideways, but dh was very jealous. I quit smoking for awhile & gained some weight, had my 2nd & 3rd child & gained a bit more, & of course got older, & the attention faded from other males, as did dh's jealousy.

Unfortunetly around that time he went through like a pre-mid-life crisis, & went on a flirting rampage w/ a bunch of other women, I found a phone # in his wallet from a chick he'd met at work & been talking to, & we had internet related issues as well as lying issues. I would tell him how much it hurt me & ask him to stop, but he'd just tell me that I was jealous & trying to control his life. We fought constantly & almost got a divorce.

Around that time I found out I was preg. w/ #4, & had some major health issues, that ended up making us stronger. He chilled out, I worked on my jealousy issues & things were great between us. Then recently we both got jobs. His takes him out of state during the wk. & mine has me behind a bar. Lately he's been super insecure & has gotten it in his head that there is something going on w/ someone at work, or w/ our neighbor, who happens to be his best friend.

I've done everything I can to assure him that I would never cheat on him, especially w/ his bff, who is a self absorbed womanizer, that has a revolving door, w/ a diff. woman each wk. His bff had sent me a friend request on fb awhile back & dh told me to accept. I never posted on the guys wall & only liked a post that he'd put on my page & lol or whatever. I don't go over to the guy's house if we're both outside, just to visit, & only acknowledge him w/ a "hi" if he says hi 1st. And I only make small talk about the neighborhood, or weather etc. when we all go out.

Since dh started going through this insecure, jealous thing again, I deleted his bff from my fb & go out of my way to sit away from him when we're out, & avoid talking to him as much as poss. We all went out this past wknd. I had a friend who I hadn't seen since h.s. come out w/ us too. She, her hubby, & I were out in the smoking room talking & dh's bff came out & started talking about how when he & his b.m. were together they'd go out to the clubs & never dance w/ each other, only w/ other people, & how if I didn't back off my insecurities, & let dh dance & talk & hang out w/ other women I was going to lose him. I have no idea where this came from, we've always gotten along.. but he was being kind of a jerk. So I informed him that dh & feel the same about things. And reminded him that we had been at another event a few wks ago, & dh was the only male on the dance floor, & I didn't say a word, he was having fun, & wasn't doing anything inapropriate, so I didn't care.

Bff, kept talking crap, so I just told him that dh & I have been together for nearly 12 yrs, & he was entitled to his opinion, but that I really didn't need advice from him about relationships, & I walked out. Later I went out w/ my friend again & she & her hubby both informed me that after I left, dh's bff was talking about how he brings dates w/ him all the time, & I always try to run them off, because they want to dance w/ my dh, or spend most of the night talking to him. And I need to just chill or I'm gonna lose dh. This couldn't be farther from the truth! I'm always really nice to his dates. He'll ask dh & me, to not say "this", or to say "that", put in a good word for him, or afterwards, help him get rid of them, & we always help him out. I don't know where this hostility is coming from....

After the bar, we went to this other bar & grill to have another drink & get some food, & bff started talking crap again, & I'd had enough, so I tried to leave, & he said some smart comment about something, following it up w/ "Sweetie, I've got a new hot chick w/ me every night, when I want to" I told him "exactly, you're never gonna find anything meaningful w/ anyone, because you can't look past yourself"... And I tried to leave.

DH got mad at me, & said that our fight came out of nowhere, & he just knew that something was going on between me & bff... We got into a fight, slept in different rooms, & I woke up w/ my head spinning over what had happened.... Not only did he not stick up for me when his bff was being such a jerk to me in front of him, then he was talking to him & cool w/ him after that while I was leaving, but then he got mad at me....... He woke up this morning acting like nothing had happened telling me not to sweat the small stuff.... I dropped him off for work (won't see him till Fri.) & acted like everything was cool, but what am I supposed to do to reasure him that nothing is going on & how am I supposed to act toward his bff when dh brings him out w/ us next time? I can't stand the guy now.....

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Asked by HappyEndings at 7:43 PM on Mar. 17, 2013 in Relationships

Level 18 (6,438 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Sorry I screwed up on the title.. didn't mean to put "his" before "me' in it.... lol

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 7:48 PM on Mar. 17, 2013

  • I think you could have stopped it in the first paragraph and I would have told you the same thing. These are "his" issues, not yours. I think he has a trust problem.

    Answer by m-avi at 7:57 PM on Mar. 17, 2013

  • I think it has a lot to do w/ his job, & him being away all week, because things were great between us for the last 2 yrs, & he's just recently started having these issues again.... I just really don't know what to do about his bff at this point because I think he's a jerk, & don't even want to deal w/ him.... but thanks for responding m-avi

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 8:04 PM on Mar. 17, 2013

  • 12 years and 4 kids later and he is still doing this jealous thing? I would tell him if you do not trust me by now. After 4 kids. Something is seriously wrong with you(him).

    Answer by louise2 at 8:22 PM on Mar. 17, 2013

  • I would probably approach the situation by telling DH that you feel that the BFF is trying to become a wedge between the two of you. I don't know how he would interpret that though. It seems like the BFF wants a wing man and doesn't want you getting in the way, so he is playing the two of you against each other. Unfortunately you can't make him trust you or believe you, but being consistent can really help your side of the story.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 8:33 PM on Mar. 17, 2013

  • First thought: You need new friends. The BFF is a loser. But I think you knew that.

    Next thought: The two of you need to talk with a counselor to help your husband get over his jealousy.

    Third thought: If your husband doesn't trust this "friend" then why are they still friends?

    Which takes us back to needing new friends. Or at least to lose this old one.

    Answer by gdiamante at 8:39 PM on Mar. 17, 2013

  • Thanks ladies! His bff is def. a loser! He's always telling everyone how he wants what dh & I have together... & we've always gotten along... this was totally out of the blue. I agree that maybe he's tryin to get in between us for some reason, & I've got no idea why dh would suspect his bff & still be friends w/ him.... I do believe that dh was used to my being a sahm & not being around other males, & now that I'm a bartender & we go out & interact w/ other people, w/ him being away all week, I think that it's messing w/ his mind... Like I said things have been great for the last 2 yrs.... then this happened

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 9:02 PM on Mar. 17, 2013

  • Reading through all of that, the final interaction with you & your husband's BFF did seem weird. I guess I can see how it could throw off your husband or worry him, having a man respond to your leaving by saying "Sweetie, I've got a new hot chick with me every night, when I want to." That particular dynamic really struck me as odd, like a spat between (dysfunctional!) lovers or at least something that would express existing sexual tension, and I can see how it could raise doubts or worries. At the very least, his comment certainly could have slanted your annoyance & leaving as "jealousy." (Even the "comeback" about him never finding anything meaningful & not being able to look past himself could support the appearance of you as jealous, frustrated & attracted to him, I think.)
    So in responding to the DH, I likely would have acknowledged that it WAS strange & how it could look, and shared about the stuff from the previous bar.

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:19 AM on Mar. 18, 2013

  • I totally understand where you're coming from girlwithC.. & what you said does make sense,now that I think about it.. Dh knew about what happened at the other bar. I'm totally not attracted to his bff though. He's like a walking petry dish. Seriously, I think you could lick a toilet seat & be less likely to catch something than you would by making out w/ this guy.. He doesn't respect women whatsoever & everything is about him. It seems like, ever since I deleted him on fb, & started distancing myself from him, he has been getting attitude w/ me & acting weird. Like what happened on Sat., where he was telling me that if I didn't let dh do his thing w/ other women that I was gonna lose him... He thinks that his bachelor male piggish mindset, is how every male feels, & it pissed me off that he was trying to speak for my dh & give me advice on relationships when we've been together 12 yrs & he can't keep a girl. Thanks so much!

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 11:59 AM on Mar. 18, 2013

  • you def. put things in a diff. light & I appreciate your comment

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 12:00 PM on Mar. 18, 2013

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