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I have no one else to turn to for help my relationship is falling apart any advice about getting over cheating and some other things? ((long))

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has never physically cheated on me, meaning hes never kissed or had sex with, met up with another woman ( that i know of). He swears up and down nothing physical ever happened or ever would of. There have been four different girls hes messaged through text and facebook, even a couple phone calls to the one girl, one of the women was a previous one night stand, the others all girls he knew from high school. The last time I found out he lied to me was just this passed christmas. He had been talking to this girl at least two or three conversations a week for 5 months!! I was furious. The messages were not just flirting, they were saying how if I weren't here they would be having sex right now, telling each other explicit sexual things they wanted to do with each other, I was heartbroken and devestated because I really thought things were going better and that he loved me and wouldn't do something like that again.

Fast forward to now:

It's been a few months since I found out about the last incident, he tells me all of the time I can pick up his phone and look at it all I want anytime I want even without asking that he is not doing anything wrong he also deleted his facebook. Part of this makes me feel better, but most the time I think well he is probably talking to someone still and just tells them never to message them first and when they talk he probably deletes the conversations or he puts them as a fake name in his phone like turning "Brandy" to "Brandon" so if they message hey or whats up I will just assume it's a guy friend. Our other problems in the past have been that we don't communicate and have lost a lot of spark and closeness. We never do anything together, we don't sleep together, we have sex 2-3 times a week but mainly I just do it because I think it will help keep him from cheating, i'd be content at once a week. He works a lot and he goes to bed very early. When he is home we are both doing things with and for the children, by the time we get anytime alone we both end up on our phones, I have tried to change this habit in myself but I could be off a whole hour and he doesnt speak if he is not on his phone hes staring at the tv. He never wants to have a conversation he never initiates sex, conversation, cuddling. He sits on a chair and me on the couch when we are in a room. I have received notice of an available apartment back where I used to live, I have no idea whether or not I should stay or go, he cries and gets upset begs for me to stay says it would destroy him if I left and that he wants us to be this amazing happy couple that others would envy cause we are so in love but how do we get it there??

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:53 AM on Mar. 20, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • See what other options you may have. Perhaps you can find low income housing where you are or rent a basement apartment or rent rooms in a house...or be a live-in nanny and get free rent like some people I know do. Do you qualify for section 8 housing? Maybe even finding a roommate would be good for you so you don't have to feel alone. And when you leave, be sure to cut off all contact for several weeks. If you're still talking with him, it doesn't have the same effect on him. He has to realize that "oh crap, my behavior pushed her away. I shouldn't do it anymore." It's good that you're worrying about how it will affect your daughter but it's even more important that her mom is happy to be able to continue being a good mom to her. Children really don't like to see their parents miserable, so don't say you're staying for them or else they'll feel guilty for your misery (been through that myself, too..)
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 10:16 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • Counseling, for both of you, probably separately and together. The first time I might could get past it, but this is repeated behavior and its unlikely to stop.
    If you stay with him you need to find a way to reconnect. Both of you put the phones away 2-3 nights/week and do something together - rent a movie, play a game, etc
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 9:02 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • Sometimes you can't get over it. When it's a repetitive thing, sometimes you just can't get over it, and you have to accept it's over and move on.

    I can't tell from the way you talk if you're ready to move on or not. So, my first question is: does that apartment have a lease, and if it does, would you be able to sublet it? If it doesn't have a lease or you could sublet it, my advice to you would be to move out temporarily. Tell him you need some time, and that you both need to go to counseling before you will even consider coming back home. This will allow you the time not only to work on things with him, but to be on your own and possibly realize whether you want to be done with him or work things out.

    If you try to work things out, date each other again. Go out to dinner, the movies, etc. Focus on each other, like you did before you got married. That can help, too.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:14 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • This is a pattern. You do not trust him. These both are huge issues to get past. I agree that you probably need professional help to do so and he needs to be part of that equation. If he refuses to go, then go for yourself and make a plan for a future without him. Him depending on conversation with other women is at very least an emotional affair. He is giving something to another person that would otherwise be yours. If he isn't communicating with you then repairing the damage will be impossible. You can't fix this on your own.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:16 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • If you can't trust him then why stay with him? 4 different women is a lot in my eyes and you should have called it quits after the 2nd. He knows he can get away with it and knows how to hide it better now. I don't believe nothing physical ever happened, sorry. He lied about talking to these women so he must be telling the truth nothing physical ever happened? BS.
    I would say go, leave him. He has had more then one chance and he keeps blowing ti and you keep giving him more chances.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:18 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • It will destroy him if you leave? He already destroyed the relationship himself! And he destroyed you! I've been through almost exactly the same as you before. First, notice how all he thinks about is himself.  He did it when he engaged in cyber sex with the other women.  He did it again when he begs you to stay. He didn't say, "I'll feel horrible forever because I hurt you, so please stay." Instead, it's well it's like he's blaming you for cheating and now blaming you for being hurt. Really???! God, I am so mad at him on your behalf right now arrrggh!! He doesn't want you to leave so he can get what he wants. The more sex you have w/him, it's like saying it's ok to betray you. What I did in my situation was I packed up & left. He needed to realize the consequences of his actions. He got upset of course, then tried to pretend he was glad we broke up....continued....

    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 9:34 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • ...Then several months later, he finally realizes how he hurt me & comes crawling back with a real apology this time. From that point forward, the relationship was on my terms. The boundary has to be set and reinforced constantly, or you will repeat history. A real apology sets the ground to clear the slate & start new if you want to. I think you need some time alone to figure out what you really want. Don't focus on what he wants. Take care of you first. It's not being selfish, it's your right. Time away from him can clear up a lot of your concerns. No one says it has to be permanent. See how he acts when you're gone, too. Does he man up or does he make things harder on you and then eventually move on? See him for who he really is. I also think that his giving you access to his phone may be a cover up. They don't stop what they did. They just get smarter about how to hide it from you.

    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 9:39 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • It's a low income place I believe it's a month to month lease, I lived there with my mother when I was a teen, but it's about an hour and a half from where my husband and I now live and I don't want to have to take my daughter out of school for april and may and have her go to a new school then have to move everything an hour away again if we get back together and her return to the school. I don't want too much inconsistency for the kids, if I move Id like to stay put and be done, if I stay then i'd like to see things work, but no matter how much we both say we want the same things together they don't happen (the spark rekindling, long conversations, cuddling, making love, kissing, holding hands, the little sweet things we used to do for one another)

    I love him but feel sort of bitter at times towards him because of what he did and it makes me feel ugly and not good enough so does the porn he watches
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:19 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • With one of the four girls, it was more flirting then anything. I really do firmly believe nothing happened physically with the other three. One of them lives 4 hours away and with his work schedule and things I don't believe he wouldn't of been able to get away know what I mean?

    I just feel invisible here but if i move since its so far its a big decision, I can't get an apartment near here because I would have no help from anyone my family is willing to help me out til I get on my feet if I move home, I have no friends or family here. I do not own a vehicle or have a job here so it would be difficult without the help of my family. I really love him and want it to work I just don't know how
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:23 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

  • I would do counseling but can't afford it and we both don't have insurance, we just have health insurance for the kids not ourselves, we also do not belong to a church and are not very religious as i know some churches offer counseling, so i feel at a loss, sorry so many comments just wanted people to be able to have the details in order to give some advice i appreciate all of the answers
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:25 AM on Mar. 20, 2013

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