My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has never physically cheated on me, meaning hes never kissed or had sex with, met up with another woman ( that i know of). He swears up and down nothing physical ever happened or ever would of. There have been four different girls hes messaged through text and facebook, even a couple phone calls to the one girl, one of the women was a previous one night stand, the others all girls he knew from high school. The last time I found out he lied to me was just this passed christmas. He had been talking to this girl at least two or three conversations a week for 5 months!! I was furious. The messages were not just flirting, they were saying how if I weren't here they would be having sex right now, telling each other explicit sexual things they wanted to do with each other, I was heartbroken and devestated because I really thought things were going better and that he loved me and wouldn't do something like that again.
Fast forward to now:
It's been a few months since I found out about the last incident, he tells me all of the time I can pick up his phone and look at it all I want anytime I want even without asking that he is not doing anything wrong he also deleted his facebook. Part of this makes me feel better, but most the time I think well he is probably talking to someone still and just tells them never to message them first and when they talk he probably deletes the conversations or he puts them as a fake name in his phone like turning "Brandy" to "Brandon" so if they message hey or whats up I will just assume it's a guy friend. Our other problems in the past have been that we don't communicate and have lost a lot of spark and closeness. We never do anything together, we don't sleep together, we have sex 2-3 times a week but mainly I just do it because I think it will help keep him from cheating, i'd be content at once a week. He works a lot and he goes to bed very early. When he is home we are both doing things with and for the children, by the time we get anytime alone we both end up on our phones, I have tried to change this habit in myself but I could be off a whole hour and he doesnt speak if he is not on his phone hes staring at the tv. He never wants to have a conversation he never initiates sex, conversation, cuddling. He sits on a chair and me on the couch when we are in a room. I have received notice of an available apartment back where I used to live, I have no idea whether or not I should stay or go, he cries and gets upset begs for me to stay says it would destroy him if I left and that he wants us to be this amazing happy couple that others would envy cause we are so in love but how do we get it there??
Asked by Anonymous at 8:53 AM on Mar. 20, 2013 in Relationships
Answer by hellokittykat at 10:16 AM on Mar. 20, 2013
Answer by missanc at 9:02 AM on Mar. 20, 2013
Answer by wendythewriter at 9:14 AM on Mar. 20, 2013
This is a pattern. You do not trust him. These both are huge issues to get past. I agree that you probably need professional help to do so and he needs to be part of that equation. If he refuses to go, then go for yourself and make a plan for a future without him. Him depending on conversation with other women is at very least an emotional affair. He is giving something to another person that would otherwise be yours. If he isn't communicating with you then repairing the damage will be impossible. You can't fix this on your own. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Answer by QuinnMae at 9:16 AM on Mar. 20, 2013
Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:18 AM on Mar. 20, 2013
It will destroy him if you leave? He already destroyed the relationship himself! And he destroyed you! I've been through almost exactly the same as you before. First, notice how all he thinks about is himself. He did it when he engaged in cyber sex with the other women. He did it again when he begs you to stay. He didn't say, "I'll feel horrible forever because I hurt you, so please stay." Instead, it's well it's like he's blaming you for cheating and now blaming you for being hurt. Really???! God, I am so mad at him on your behalf right now arrrggh!! He doesn't want you to leave so he can get what he wants. The more sex you have w/him, it's like saying it's ok to betray you. What I did in my situation was I packed up & left. He needed to realize the consequences of his actions. He got upset of course, then tried to pretend he was glad we broke up....continued....
Answer by hellokittykat at 9:34 AM on Mar. 20, 2013
...Then several months later, he finally realizes how he hurt me & comes crawling back with a real apology this time. From that point forward, the relationship was on my terms. The boundary has to be set and reinforced constantly, or you will repeat history. A real apology sets the ground to clear the slate & start new if you want to. I think you need some time alone to figure out what you really want. Don't focus on what he wants. Take care of you first. It's not being selfish, it's your right. Time away from him can clear up a lot of your concerns. No one says it has to be permanent. See how he acts when you're gone, too. Does he man up or does he make things harder on you and then eventually move on? See him for who he really is. I also think that his giving you access to his phone may be a cover up. They don't stop what they did. They just get smarter about how to hide it from you.
Answer by hellokittykat at 9:39 AM on Mar. 20, 2013