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Kicked 20 yr old daughter out of house...feel sick all the time. Did I do the right thing?

My daughter has been taking advantage of us fora while now. Only comes home when she needs something. Won't respect our wishes of a curfew because she is over 18. Finally I kicked her out because she got arrested for a small amount of pot and lied about it. I had to read it in the newspaper. When confronted and I tried to limit her car activity to looking for a job and no more night driving aka hanging with friends till 3 am she blew up. I could not take it and told her to leave. Plot is further she has just had a dne because she lost a baby at 12 weeks. As much as she was not ready for a baby we supported her again. There is a lot more but now I feel sick all the time,knowing that she won't call if she needs me. We don't have any family close as they are all in another state. Should I try to schedule counseling?

Answer Question
 
Brandebriggs

Asked by Brandebriggs at 9:04 AM on Mar. 25, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • She will get over it. She needs to learn somehow. She will be crawling back once she realize how stupid she has been and how much she needs her family.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:11 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • It's simple. Your house, Your Rules. Period. Sometimes we need to be pushed to rely on ourselves, otherwise it might never happen.

    What would you be scheduling counseling for? For her losing the baby, or for the relationship between her and you? If it's just for the latter, then I don't know if I would go there. If it's to help her deal with losing her baby then I would float the idea to her and see what she says.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:21 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • As hard as it is, sometimes the best thing you can do is take your hands off the situation and let your children hit rock bottom. The fact that you have always come to her rescue or intervened on her behalf has most likely made her count on your continuing to do that. So, fold your hands and wait!!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:23 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • hugs
    you are being a good mom
    even though hard on you
    best thing for her
    and you know, if she calls and needs you, you will be there
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:26 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • First, let me say that what I'm about to say is not a criticism of you. It may look that way, so I want that out of the way up front.

    It sounds as though in some ways you tried to treat her like a teen (curfew, taking away her car). It's very possible (and sounds quite likely, based on what you say) that she behaves like a teen. Which means, as any teen would, she rebelled. Unlike a teen, however, she's 20. You no longer have an obligation to put up with her rebellion - she's a legal adult, and responsible for herself. If she isn't willing to show some respect for the fact that it's your house, then she needs to be on her own.

    If you were to allow her to come back, I would let go of the curfew and taking her car, but instead tell her if she won't be home before X, to call and let you know. Lay out clear rules regarding drug use, paying rent, etc. And make it very clear that if she lies, breaks a rule, she's gone for good.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:37 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Thank you all. I know this is going to be hard it's just really depressing on me too. I know I have to do this and it stinks.
    Brandebriggs

    Comment by Brandebriggs (original poster) at 9:38 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • I hope she is ok and will be in contact soon so everything can be worked out.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:56 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Wendy, Thank you for the comment. I am going to go a bit deeper to explain. I am not offended at all and have tried what you said. This was my breaking point because she didn't follow in the past. Our daughter has a learning disability and actually graduated high school with the mentality of a 6th grade level of education. She did however take many years of life skills classes and did great. I know that after school things have been tough because she is a follower and people take advantage of her a lot. She has a car when her so called friends who needed rides didn't. This is still the situation. She tries to fit in and feel normal (not being made fun of on a daily basis like in school) and is getting caught up with the wrong crowd. I know I had to do what I did, I just feel so horrible for putting her out.
    Brandebriggs

    Comment by Brandebriggs (original poster) at 10:00 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • The reason for wanting to limit the car is because it is not just in her name. It is in dad's name too. She is letting friends drive it after we told her not to. We are paying the insurance and car since she lost her job ( calling off to hang instead). The only reason we helped her with the car is because she had a job and could make the payment and to help her because she was pregnant. She needed a more reliable vehicle. Now we are stuck...She still knows right from wrong and is just making all the wrong choices this time in her life. Thanks for letting me get all this out as it is really hard to let it fester within.
    Brandebriggs

    Comment by Brandebriggs (original poster) at 10:06 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Hugs. You are doing the right thing.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 10:16 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

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