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Kicked 20 yr old daughter out of house...feel sick all the time. Did I do the right thing?

My daughter has been taking advantage of us fora while now. Only comes home when she needs something. Won't respect our wishes of a curfew because she is over 18. Finally I kicked her out because she got arrested for a small amount of pot and lied about it. I had to read it in the newspaper. When confronted and I tried to limit her car activity to looking for a job and no more night driving aka hanging with friends till 3 am she blew up. I could not take it and told her to leave. Plot is further she has just had a dne because she lost a baby at 12 weeks. As much as she was not ready for a baby we supported her again. There is a lot more but now I feel sick all the time,knowing that she won't call if she needs me. We don't have any family close as they are all in another state. Should I try to schedule counseling?

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Brandebriggs

Asked by Brandebriggs at 9:04 AM on Mar. 25, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Schedule counseling for yourself? It might help you.

    For her , no. She is over 18 and she seems to be full of herself and she will not go until she wishes to go.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:20 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • I don't think it would be a bad idea or unnecessary/irrelevant to schedule counseling (for yourself, I'm assuming.) You have a lot of feelings, and a situation that's complicated with many emotions & factors such as your daughter's limitations.
    Sounds like there's a lot of grief in this situation, and potential for volatility or real suffering (with her impulsiveness & vulnerabilities.) Having some support for yourself during this time seems positive, and might help any future interactions to unfold in a way that supports some stability & safety, just overall positive rather than estranged & reactive, and tending to escalate.
    For instance, if when she blew up, you had been able to tolerate her outrage over your decision but still hold the line rather than reactively kicking her out, she might still be very upset (unhappy with you, disagreeing with your stipulations) but basically stable.
    That wasn't possible at the time. But
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:43 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • with support from counseling, and the growth you do there as you feel heard & gain more understanding for yourself, different things become possible.
    You also tend to set up healthier dynamics, with boundaries that protect everyone involved. So your interactions tend to become more functional (and support others in taking more self-responsibility.)
    Blame is never the answer (self-blame or blaming others) because we're all doing the best we can in the moment, based on where we are. But recognizing how we contribute (often inadvertently) to what is happening, even the tragic stuff, even the stuff that is someone else's "choice," can help us take constructive action.
    Someone trained in family system theory might be especially helpful. But really, being heard & well-understood by the therapist is the key. It's about "getting it out," as you already know, so that feelings/fears aren't interfering with your responses to situations.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:48 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Nope... Stand firm in your decision. She's has to learn how to deal with things on her own. Good job!
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 10:55 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • If you take her back, treat her like an adult. Her car is her car if she puts gas in it and maintains it, but you can lay down rules about no drug use, paying rent, etc.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:34 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • I know is difficult but you are doing what is best for her at this time. Hugs
    Alisim

    Answer by Alisim at 1:49 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Kicking her out to me does not solve anything but causes more and more problems of which you will not be aware of, but what is done is done...if you are feeling sick it is because you are not too sure you did the right thing, reach out to her again, do not let 20 years of nurturing go down the drain...not trying to make you feel bad, you did what you thought you had to do, but are now regretting it...so obviously that was not the answer....
    older

    Answer by older at 6:50 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

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