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Kicked 20 yr old daughter out of house...feel sick all the time. Did I do the right thing?

My daughter has been taking advantage of us fora while now. Only comes home when she needs something. Won't respect our wishes of a curfew because she is over 18. Finally I kicked her out because she got arrested for a small amount of pot and lied about it. I had to read it in the newspaper. When confronted and I tried to limit her car activity to looking for a job and no more night driving aka hanging with friends till 3 am she blew up. I could not take it and told her to leave. Plot is further she has just had a dne because she lost a baby at 12 weeks. As much as she was not ready for a baby we supported her again. There is a lot more but now I feel sick all the time,knowing that she won't call if she needs me. We don't have any family close as they are all in another state. Should I try to schedule counseling?

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Brandebriggs

Asked by Brandebriggs at 9:04 AM on Mar. 25, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Kicking her out to me does not solve anything but causes more and more problems of which you will not be aware of, but what is done is done...if you are feeling sick it is because you are not too sure you did the right thing, reach out to her again, do not let 20 years of nurturing go down the drain...not trying to make you feel bad, you did what you thought you had to do, but are now regretting it...so obviously that was not the answer....
    older

    Answer by older at 6:50 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • I know is difficult but you are doing what is best for her at this time. Hugs
    Alisim

    Answer by Alisim at 1:49 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • If you take her back, treat her like an adult. Her car is her car if she puts gas in it and maintains it, but you can lay down rules about no drug use, paying rent, etc.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:34 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Nope... Stand firm in your decision. She's has to learn how to deal with things on her own. Good job!
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 10:55 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • with support from counseling, and the growth you do there as you feel heard & gain more understanding for yourself, different things become possible.
    You also tend to set up healthier dynamics, with boundaries that protect everyone involved. So your interactions tend to become more functional (and support others in taking more self-responsibility.)
    Blame is never the answer (self-blame or blaming others) because we're all doing the best we can in the moment, based on where we are. But recognizing how we contribute (often inadvertently) to what is happening, even the tragic stuff, even the stuff that is someone else's "choice," can help us take constructive action.
    Someone trained in family system theory might be especially helpful. But really, being heard & well-understood by the therapist is the key. It's about "getting it out," as you already know, so that feelings/fears aren't interfering with your responses to situations.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:48 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • I don't think it would be a bad idea or unnecessary/irrelevant to schedule counseling (for yourself, I'm assuming.) You have a lot of feelings, and a situation that's complicated with many emotions & factors such as your daughter's limitations.
    Sounds like there's a lot of grief in this situation, and potential for volatility or real suffering (with her impulsiveness & vulnerabilities.) Having some support for yourself during this time seems positive, and might help any future interactions to unfold in a way that supports some stability & safety, just overall positive rather than estranged & reactive, and tending to escalate.
    For instance, if when she blew up, you had been able to tolerate her outrage over your decision but still hold the line rather than reactively kicking her out, she might still be very upset (unhappy with you, disagreeing with your stipulations) but basically stable.
    That wasn't possible at the time. But
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:43 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Schedule counseling for yourself? It might help you.

    For her , no. She is over 18 and she seems to be full of herself and she will not go until she wishes to go.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:20 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Hugs. You are doing the right thing.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 10:16 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • The reason for wanting to limit the car is because it is not just in her name. It is in dad's name too. She is letting friends drive it after we told her not to. We are paying the insurance and car since she lost her job ( calling off to hang instead). The only reason we helped her with the car is because she had a job and could make the payment and to help her because she was pregnant. She needed a more reliable vehicle. Now we are stuck...She still knows right from wrong and is just making all the wrong choices this time in her life. Thanks for letting me get all this out as it is really hard to let it fester within.
    Brandebriggs

    Comment by Brandebriggs (original poster) at 10:06 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Wendy, Thank you for the comment. I am going to go a bit deeper to explain. I am not offended at all and have tried what you said. This was my breaking point because she didn't follow in the past. Our daughter has a learning disability and actually graduated high school with the mentality of a 6th grade level of education. She did however take many years of life skills classes and did great. I know that after school things have been tough because she is a follower and people take advantage of her a lot. She has a car when her so called friends who needed rides didn't. This is still the situation. She tries to fit in and feel normal (not being made fun of on a daily basis like in school) and is getting caught up with the wrong crowd. I know I had to do what I did, I just feel so horrible for putting her out.
    Brandebriggs

    Comment by Brandebriggs (original poster) at 10:00 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

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