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Kicked 20 yr old daughter out of house...feel sick all the time. Did I do the right thing?

My daughter has been taking advantage of us fora while now. Only comes home when she needs something. Won't respect our wishes of a curfew because she is over 18. Finally I kicked her out because she got arrested for a small amount of pot and lied about it. I had to read it in the newspaper. When confronted and I tried to limit her car activity to looking for a job and no more night driving aka hanging with friends till 3 am she blew up. I could not take it and told her to leave. Plot is further she has just had a dne because she lost a baby at 12 weeks. As much as she was not ready for a baby we supported her again. There is a lot more but now I feel sick all the time,knowing that she won't call if she needs me. We don't have any family close as they are all in another state. Should I try to schedule counseling?

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Brandebriggs

Asked by Brandebriggs at 9:04 AM on Mar. 25, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • hugs
    you are being a good mom
    even though hard on you
    best thing for her
    and you know, if she calls and needs you, you will be there
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:26 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • She will get over it. She needs to learn somehow. She will be crawling back once she realize how stupid she has been and how much she needs her family.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:11 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • First, let me say that what I'm about to say is not a criticism of you. It may look that way, so I want that out of the way up front.

    It sounds as though in some ways you tried to treat her like a teen (curfew, taking away her car). It's very possible (and sounds quite likely, based on what you say) that she behaves like a teen. Which means, as any teen would, she rebelled. Unlike a teen, however, she's 20. You no longer have an obligation to put up with her rebellion - she's a legal adult, and responsible for herself. If she isn't willing to show some respect for the fact that it's your house, then she needs to be on her own.

    If you were to allow her to come back, I would let go of the curfew and taking her car, but instead tell her if she won't be home before X, to call and let you know. Lay out clear rules regarding drug use, paying rent, etc. And make it very clear that if she lies, breaks a rule, she's gone for good.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:37 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • As hard as it is, sometimes the best thing you can do is take your hands off the situation and let your children hit rock bottom. The fact that you have always come to her rescue or intervened on her behalf has most likely made her count on your continuing to do that. So, fold your hands and wait!!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:23 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Hugs. You are doing the right thing.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 10:16 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • It's simple. Your house, Your Rules. Period. Sometimes we need to be pushed to rely on ourselves, otherwise it might never happen.

    What would you be scheduling counseling for? For her losing the baby, or for the relationship between her and you? If it's just for the latter, then I don't know if I would go there. If it's to help her deal with losing her baby then I would float the idea to her and see what she says.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:21 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • If you take her back, treat her like an adult. Her car is her car if she puts gas in it and maintains it, but you can lay down rules about no drug use, paying rent, etc.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:34 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Kicking her out to me does not solve anything but causes more and more problems of which you will not be aware of, but what is done is done...if you are feeling sick it is because you are not too sure you did the right thing, reach out to her again, do not let 20 years of nurturing go down the drain...not trying to make you feel bad, you did what you thought you had to do, but are now regretting it...so obviously that was not the answer....
    older

    Answer by older at 6:50 PM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • Thank you all. I know this is going to be hard it's just really depressing on me too. I know I have to do this and it stinks.
    Brandebriggs

    Comment by Brandebriggs (original poster) at 9:38 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

  • I hope she is ok and will be in contact soon so everything can be worked out.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:56 AM on Mar. 25, 2013

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