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2 Bumps

Did I make the right choice asking him to leave?

My husband and I have been dating since 2003, married in 2008. He had cheated on me 4 times, nothing physical all thinking over the net/web cam. They have all been people that he knows not cyber people. The last one was during a trip over seas with a girl that he worked with. That was 2 years ago. When he came home we got really invested into our church and I felt like things were going the right way. He had a few weeks here and there around August 2012 when he was starting to be very mean, kind of like the old him. And then that year he forgot my birthday. I'm not big on things like that because he has never been the type of man to remember but for some reason it set off a switch in me that I can not turn back on. I went into this deep dark place, I couldn't believe that the man that I had forgive for all these things didn't even care about me enough to remember my birthday. Well month and month have went by thinking that if I left it to Jesus something would change in me, asking and praying every day to help me. That's when I realized that for the last 7 years of my life I have been playing this part of a happy wife and mother when inside I was miserable. Throughout our relation ship he has been emotionally abusive not only to me but to our Son who is now 4. The last month or so we have talked about him moving out and today was the day. He packed up a few of his things and is moving in with a friend. I'm not saying this is the end of us but still...should it hurt this bad when I'm the one making this choice? We have two children, the first one was the reason we got married and so I will never take any of that back because I love my children. I feel like I'm being selfish but can anyone please give me advice on if there is life after this? Everyone says stay together for the kids but is it worth staying together in an emotional abusive relationship with someone that im not ever sure ill be able to trust? My kids are young 4 and 3 and im hoping that if im headed for the big D that they are young enough to not remember all the terrible things and that like will be on tack when they are old enough to remember. any insight please! :( Why do I feel so sad when I feel like this is the right thing to do? Please anything constructive would be great. I am a Christ follower and that is why this is so hard for me but I do not feel like God would want me to stay in a relationship that I could potently physically/emotionally get hurt in right?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:22 PM on Apr. 1, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • of course it's going to hurt you've spent the last 10 years with someone and the relationship has ended.
    for some people when they cut abusive persons out of their lives they mourn the passing of the relationship= even if the relationship was shit
    its common.
    staying together for the sake of the kids is poo! because you are teaching the kids how to live in a bad relationship. imho our job as parents is to teach our children how to live within HAPPY relationships.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 6:37 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • It always hurts when you separate, even if you are splitting. You have/had feelings for this person, of course it's going to hurt to end things with him.

    As far as the kids, my oldest was almost 3 when I divorced my ex (my youngest was only 21 days old when it was final), and he doesn't remember anything about my marriage or my divorce. My ex and I fought, a lot and loudly, but my son doesn't remember any of it. Now, his father has chosen not to be a part of their lives, so I don't know if the fact that he never sees his father has anything to do with it, but I would think that at this age, any memories they might have of this period will be somewhat fuzzy and indistinct.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 6:51 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • you are grieving the loss of a dream - the dream of what you thought the relationship could be, what you hoped it would be or turn into. You are also grieving the loss of the relationship - however awful it was, it's normal to be sad over the loss. It gets easier and you've done the right thing because you know what's right for you and the kids. No one knows what you are going through better than you. I suggest you seek out some therapy to help you move forward in a healthy way and help the kids cope in a healthy way as well.
    daylily888

    Answer by daylily888 at 6:53 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • < the first one was the reason we got married> And sadly that doomed your marriage before it even happened.

    Of course there is. There are MANY divorcees out there who are doing quite well thanks very much.

    Are these the same idiots who told you to get married because you were pregnant? If so, NEVER take ONE WORD of advice from them EVER again.

    Yes. And it's a major reason for getting the divorce NOW. So they can learn what a GOOD relationship is.

    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 6:57 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • You're hurting because it's normal to hurt when you realize you've made a big mistake. And you're right... God doesn't want you to stay in this kind of relationship. Indeed, you don't have a marriage here. Not what God would recognize as one. Your soon to be ex murdered the marriage long ago.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 6:58 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • It sounds to me like you got fed up, and you made the choice that was best for you and your son. Nobody except you knows for sure, but you have to treat yourself right first, for your sake and the sake of your son. Maybe you and your husband can try counseling.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 7:20 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • The right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do. Instead of second guessing yourself, ask yourself if you want to not only subject yourself and your children to this emotional abuse, but also if you want them to learn that emotional abuse (or any other kind of abuse for that matter) is acceptable in any relationship. They will not only turn out better for not having to go through the abuse, but will hopefully stop the cycle that so often infects so many kids that grow up in abusive homes.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 7:47 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • Good for you. There are better things out there for you. Trust in truth. The truth is he treats you like crap. Go be happy!
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 7:56 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • You know what is best for you and you do not need someone like this your life.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 8:29 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • It hurts because you've left your comfort zone. It's different, but soon you'll see it's not really all that painful. The change will become exciting as you start to explore who YOU are without him!!
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 9:37 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

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