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3 Bumps

Sometimes I want to end my marriage.

My husband has borderline personality disorder. He is in therapy and on meds ( has been on and off for years) but still is having problems with anger and rage. We have been together for 10 years, have four kids and I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I just don't know what to do. I long for a ”normal” life for me and my kids.

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:56 PM on Apr. 1, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • That's a hard diagnoses to live with. I don't have any advice because only you know what you've lived through. It's admirable that you've supported him through his medical issues, but just remember you have to keep your kids well being in mind also. It's a lot on your shoulders.

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 9:00 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • sometimes i want to beat SO in the head with a cast iron skillet.
    deciding that you are going to stay in a relationship with a person who suffers mental disorder is very hard.

    if you need a shoulder...

    Answer by feralxat at 9:03 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • You're a real trooper to have hung in there so far. Is there a chance the meds could be changed, or a new medication added, for better results? Have you gotten any support fr yourself and your kids? Ask your husband's therapist about doing some family work, maybe?

    Answer by Ballad at 9:31 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • Wow I can relate to you in so many ways, having had to deal with several of those BPD people in my life. Sometimes it's just better to live apart to keep things together. He can visit you and the kids, he still helps out with money issues, you can still date each other if you wish but keeping some space sometimes saves it (if you're doing that for the kids). If it's that violent and stressful, by all means take the hint and move on. He needs to join an anger management class that meets weekly. It helped a lot of the people in my experience. You can explain to him the space is temporary or whatever to get him to agree to it. Do whatever you can to encourage him to keep going to therapy. If it doesn't work, you may need to shop around for a better therapist. I recommend those with the LCSW social work license because they have a whole systems approach to therapy. They're even for getting your own counseling to deal w/him.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 10:08 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • I think a therapist's approach/concept makes a big difference. Both in conceptualizing what is going on with anger (how it functions or the "protective" function it serves for a person in the moment, but how this generally is a disservice to their life/family) and in how they approach or support "being with" your emotional experience as it arises in the moment, or unfolds moment-to-moment. A mindfulness-based approach can really develop a person's resilience and coping, even when dealing with the aftermath of complex trauma/developmental trauma (as in a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.)
    A lot of my issues with automatic reactivity & defaulting to a helpless rage that did not really relate to the moment in front of me (you know, displaced anger that a person regrets but has trouble coping with & managing) were relieved after conceptualizing anger reactions as a form of dissociating, as a protection against threat.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:11 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • I don't have a BPD diagnosis, just a trauma history, but working with someone (a LCSW) who sees anger in that organic sense (of the function it serves in the moment, and how that relates to coping mechanisms deeply ingrained in childhood--the NEED to dissociate from anything threatening or overwhelming, including awareness of one's powerlessness/helplessness as a child, in order to survive psychologically or physically) really helped things click for me. Suddenly, I could see the reactivity in the moment as a form of dissociation, something to feel INSTEAD of a feeling of powerlessness (that would have been too threatening to experience consciously as a child, but is no longer the same threat to an adult.)
    Imagine if (through mindfulness practices or other ways of cultivating "presence") your husband noticed anger as a *signal* that he's experiencing something else threatening (grief, helplessness, fear) and felt THAT instead.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:31 PM on Apr. 1, 2013

  • You need to do what is right for you and the kids. If after 10 years he will not control his issues. Leave and get some peace.

    Answer by louise2 at 3:38 PM on Apr. 2, 2013

  • It sound like you need a support system. Like others have said, I would seek counseling for yourself, and maybe your kids. Do you have friends or family that could support you emotionally? My sister's husband is severely OCD. He is on meds and sees a psychiatrist. She refuses to leave him because she says he does not have the ability to care for himself. ( I know, co dependant) She calls me when things get really bad. I listen, and that seems to help.


    Answer by musicmaker at 3:54 PM on Apr. 2, 2013

  • hugs


    Answer by virginiamama71 at 5:46 PM on Apr. 2, 2013

  • Hi
    Its hard enough, in a normal life but having problems with a disorder can cause even grater problems! If it was me, I would go to therapy for his anger. To find out why, this is happening, and by going together as a family will show him you care. I hope this problem, works out for you and your children.

    Answer by aflower at 2:05 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

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