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2 Bumps

So frustrated with my husband right now. Need advice on finding balance....

I have been with my DH for 7 years now. We have gone through some good times and some bad times like anyone else. My problem is that he is just so undependable. He says that he will wash dishes and 2 days later, they are still there. He says that he will take out the trash, but yet it is piling up in the garage. Despite all this, he still has time to play computer games, or go to a friend's house. I have been working at focusing on my own issues, not nagging, criticizing etc. But the things he does or doesn't do infuriate me. The second I mention it, it feels like all my progress is derailed. I just don't know how to find the balance between flying into a rage and getting hiim to do what he needs to do. He does act repentant about it, but I never know if he is going to do what he says he will or not. Has anyone dealth with something similar? Can you give me any advice?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:03 AM on Apr. 4, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  •  "the surrendered wife"


    NOT the same as a submissive wife which puts her man above herself. it just means YOU decide to not fight/ argue/nag etc.


    i.e. you ask him to take out the trash. he doesn't, you do. he asks "why did you do it, i said i would do it". you say," but you didnt"


     he realizes you asked him for help and he failed. he is less likely to repeat the same mistake in the future because failing the woman he loves is soul crushing.

    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 12:14 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • "i.e. you ask him to take out the trash. he doesn't, you do. he asks "why did you do it, i said i would do it". you say," but you didnt" "

    I get the idea, feral, but in this house it would merely go unnoticed and nothing would change.

    Anon, how about checklists? Put a daily checklist up where both of you will see it. I use the fridge. We're both big on checking off lists.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:44 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • you really need to read up on the method. it is assuming that the man doesn't need to be punished via sex or doing it himself. there is also an underlying assumption that all he wants to do is please and keep his spouse happy. a happy wife is a happy life type of thing.

    it does not work on all men or in all relationships.

    what it is really good at is helping a woman recognize where she is in her relationship. if perhaps she is with a man that is happy letting her do everything is that the relationship she is happy in?

    if the man isnt willing to acknowledge that he was asked for help is she happy being ignored?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 1:22 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • Honey, you are not alone. I think just about every woman deals with this problem at some point. Men invented nagging b/c they don't do what they say they'll do to begin with! After years of struggling with this myself, I just figured out I was trying too hard, so I let things pile up. I am the queen of waiting it out, too! I just didn't care anymore, and he began to notice. When he needed clean dishes, it was now up to him to wash them b/c I wasn't going to touch them. He quickly learned it was better to do it when asked or else he would end up doing it all. The more you do, the less they do. That's the yen and yang of it. I only cleaned a few things I needed and took care of my own stuff. It forced him to grow up. Yes, it annoyed me when things stayed in there for a week rotting, but it is at least teaching him to share some chores. He makes a fuss? I just say, "Well you said you didn't like me nagging you."
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 12:33 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I couldn't wait for the dishes to be cleaned for a few days I'd do them. I use to have this problem but not anymore. I learned being direct with a time limit helps. Ex, hey can you do the dishes before I get done cleaning the bathroom. Can you mow the lawn before friday. Can you take the garbage out before you go to bed. He knows all hell will break loose if he says yes and it doesn't get done. I have two children not three. I'll be damed if I'm washing the dishes, mowing the lawn so he can sit on his ass and play video games. I don't ask for much but when I do I expect results. I would never treat him that way and I expect the same.
    skinnyslokita

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 12:50 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • "i.e. you ask him to take out the trash. he doesn't, you do. he asks "why did you do it, i said i would do it". you say," but you didnt

    No when he wants some adult fun later that night give him The cold shoulder and say sorry those dishes I washed have me to exhausted sorry.

    Affect the head they really care about then the one up top will start working lol
    skinnyslokita

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 12:54 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I agree with Skinnyslokita about specifying when you want something done, even to what you think is excess. I went through months of extreme exasperation because my SO said he would do things and they just didn't happen, and when we finally hashed it out, he truly didn't seem to know that if I asked him to wash the cobwebs off the front porch rafters because a neighbor said it looked like he was living next to the Adams Family--yes, that did happen--I meant I wanted it done soon, as in over the weekend. I didn't say because to me it was obvious. I was furious when the cobwebs stayed untouched, and he figured he'd get around to it. I learned to say things like, "Could we please go through the baby's clothes to weed out the stained ones tonight?" I still get sick of cleaning up dishes and trash, but the tasks I ask for help with get done a lot better if I'm clear about when they need to be finished.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:09 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • Accountability. He has none.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:28 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I gave up on asking him to do things that I could do myself.

    I think in my head ... could I do this in the time it would take me to ask and be angry while it is not being done?

    He does the shit I cant. Like work on the cars and mow the lawn. I cant do those things because I have babies to take care of not because I am a woman or don't know how.

    And seriously men have no idea that by the time we ask them to do something it has been bothering us for a while and we want it now!
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:28 AM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • you really need to read up on the method. it is assuming that the man doesn't need to be punished via sex or doing it himself. there is also an underlying assumption that all he wants to do is please and keep his spouse happy. a happy wife is a happy life type of thing.

    I was just joking about that, I don't punish him without sex. I guess I should have put a JK after :)
    skinnyslokita

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 7:49 AM on Apr. 4, 2013