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2 Bumps

Reversal of roles. Vent about my mother.

Sad but true,my mom has always been one to expect everyone else to do for her. She absolutely refuses to take matters into her own hands. She plays the victim so many times,it's disgusting.
Back in 2001,she got evicted because she lost her job and could not pay her rent. Instead of looking for a new job,she decided to try to apply for SSI. She didn't qualify,but kept trying to appeal. A day before the sheriff was about to give her the boot,my grandma begrudgingly took her in.
She now lives alone,and is on SS since she is 68
She has COPD,and is oxygen dependent. Her doctor has given her 2 different anxiety drugs,but they're not working. She's afraid to leave the house. She thinks her oxygen tank will run out and she'll die.
She's become like a child. She wants me to do everything for her. She recently had to get a banking account because SS went paperless. OMG,that trip to the bank made me want to shoot myself in the face! How this woman got to this point in life and not know how to do anything is beyond me. She wants me to make out her checks and balance her checkbook. So far she has called me at least 2 dozen times about how to write a check. I even made her a template how to fill one out.
Her apartment building is being sold,so i told her she'll probably have to move,because the new owners will most likely raise the rent. Now I'm expected to find her a new place.She's not looking.
We take her shopping each week,and we get lunch beforehand (on us). She complains the whole time like a toddler.
it appears that in her older years,every single thing that was an issue in her life is multiplied 100X
I plan on going to her next doc appointment to talk to the doc about how she is,but if she won't do what he says,we're screwed
If she lived here with us,I'd kill myself within a few days.
I'm only 40,and I have an 11 year old son with autism. The thought of having to take on what essentially is another child,makes me want to scream.
She's not bad enough off for a nursing home yet,so that's out.
if she had been a decent mom throughout my life (don't even get me started on THAT),this would be less of an issue
Imagine someone with ZERO drive to do ANYTHING. The reason why doesn't change the situation. I can't force her to take pills,or see a shrink,or get me,I've tried til I'm blue in the face.
She has literally been like this the whole time i've been alive.
She'd rather sit there and be evicted,starve,sit in filthy clothes,then get up and do something about her situation
It's putting a major strain on my mental health


Asked by butterflyblue19 at 12:28 PM on Apr. 4, 2013 in Relationships

Level 50 (383,297 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Call me a bitch if you like, but seems to me that turnabout's fair play. She did jack shit for YOU, now Karma's come around and you can do jack shit for her.

    Not everything in life is nice or fair.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 12:35 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 12:43 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • Have you considered Assisted Living for her? This may be a good choice for her to have some independence (or gain some skills in that department) and have the assurance that she is being taken care of and medicine is being taken.


    Answer by JeremysMom at 12:40 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • wow is all I can say
    I don't have a relationship with my Mom for many reasons, not all similar to yours but it is bad enough
    I feel for ya.....a part of us always has to feel guilty it seems for their bad doings, pathetic
    I know how stressful this shit can be, and how it can affect our kids too
    Hang in there

    Answer by sarasmommy777 at 12:35 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • How about looking into an assisted living place for her? I don't know anything about it though. My Mom has a friend that lives in Fl. He has a heart condition & lives at one of those places & he loves it. You don't need to leave for anything. The Gov't pays for it all for him too. He's about the same age as your Mom. That would take the burden off of you. Then maybe she'll make a friend even.

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 12:46 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • She may not be ready for a nursing home, but it sounds like she might do well in an assisted living facility. It's kind of an in-between step between living on your own and needing full-time real care. They would make sure she takes any meds she needs, prepare meals for her, help her run any errands that need to be run (although living in an AL facility, she wouldn't need much, but maybe hair appointments or something) and be able to reassure her when it's needed, for example telling her her oxygen won't run out. It can also (at least around here) make the transition to a nursing home easier, because the AL patients get prioritized when it does come time to go into the nursing home.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:50 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I feel for you, Butterfly. I don't have a relationship with my mother for a lot of reasons, although she was at least financially better to me than it sounds like yours has been to you. My mom's still fairly fit and healthy at 68, but I know that if she needed anything, I'd try to do my best for her. It's hard to let go of that when it involves your parents. Although if it came to having her live with me, I'd give her the damn house and run like hell, because there's no way I could be around her for any length of time without opening my veins!

    What about a roommate? Could you check around at senior centers and doctor's offices, see if some other senior is looking to share expenses? Maybe then your mom would be better off financially, plus not spend all her time alone or depending on you. Perhaps the other senior will be bat shit crazy, too, and then they can stew in each other's neuroses!

    Answer by Ballad at 12:57 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • Try calling the local Area Office on Aging. She may be eligible for a case manager that would basically take on your role. She may also be eligible for someone to come in and cook/clean and maybe a CNA to help bathe. What about meals on wheels? If banking gets too difficult Social Security offers there own debit card,it has a MC logo and money is deposited monthly. Then all you have to do is call and pay bills using CC number. She would need a ATM for her rent money.Good luck. OH,since she is on oxygen what about the lung association or the heart association. I do not know,just a suggestion.

    Answer by RobinChristine at 1:11 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • This woman did the bare minimum to keep me alive and kicked my ass out 4 months after graduation when i was 18,and didn't care if I had a place to live or food in my tummy. I'm not exaggerating when i say she never did anything for me since I turned 18.

    Comment by butterflyblue19 (original poster) at 12:30 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I wish it was that easy rosehawk.
    She,and the family,know i have a kind heart
    I strive to be a better person,and mom,than she is,but this is really taxing me

    Comment by butterflyblue19 (original poster) at 12:37 PM on Apr. 4, 2013