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2 Bumps

Grown son is abusive, CPS may be getting called on him, what happens now...

Background: My SO oldest son is 24. He lives with his mom (50) who lives with her mom (93). His fiance has moved in with her son (who she has part time) and their almost 1 year old daughter. He has a major anger issue (which we are all well aware of). His mom (my SO's ex who he hasn't spoken to in many years) called out the blue last night.

Situation: son is physically abusive to his own mother (who has lupus and a variety of other ailments), verbally abusive to his grandmother and fiance. Mom has bruises on her wrists from last night and photos of other injuries as well as police reports, but she's never pressed charges. Social workers have been to the house to look into the well-being of the baby and so far the baby has been left there. They have covered the multiple holes punched in the wall by son with poster and photos and such so social workers don't see them. Fiance has no family (mother died in car crash and father committed suicide - she has no one). She's a strong girl but the situation she finds herself in is not her first time around the block. Son has no job for the last 6 months - leeches off of grandma (who really has nothing) and blows up at his mom is she doesn't provide for his daughter. Mom has had enough and called son's dad (my SO) for advise.

Our advise: Call the cops, call CPS and get him out of the house away from the baby and into the help he needs - anger management and counseling. Mom is on board but afraid of what will happen to fiance and baby.

Dilemma/need advise: Fiance won't stay there, but has no place to go (literally). She's already lost one of her children 8 years ago through CPS (I don't know that whole story). We don't feel she is a threat to the baby. But what will happen when mom decides to call enough enough. Will they take baby away until they get things sorted out? Can we volunteer to care for the baby while it's all getting sorted out? We don't want to take the baby permanently, just care for her if needed.
How does this whole thing work? We've never been even close to a situation where CPS gets involved, nor have we been close to anyone that required restraining orders or cop intervention. I feel like it's all a bad dream!

This is one of those situations where tough love has been delayed far too long and now everything has become so much more complicated.

(I wasn't sure where to post this... but it's all about relationships - adult, baby, family matters)

Answer Question
 
daylily888

Asked by daylily888 at 2:15 PM on Apr. 4, 2013 in Relationships

Level 23 (17,620 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Side note: LO is so very NOT well adjusted - it's very apparent her little eyes have seen more than any little eyes should. We suspected something was going on in that house, but until the call last night, we had NO idea it was as bad as it is. Fiance has been threatening to kill herself and has asked sons mom/grandma if they would raise the baby. The whole thing is so sad. The rescuer in me wants to wrap my arms around fiance and baby and tell them that life can get better.
    daylily888

    Comment by daylily888 (original poster) at 2:23 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I would take the fiance and the baby temporarily while CPS and the police investigate. I would keep the doors double locked and look into domestic violence shelters for the fiance and children.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:35 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • How sad! Would the mother and grandmother do okay on their own if you took the baby and her mother in with you? Would that be an option for you?

    Things could get bad for the grown son if his mother has photo evidence and presses charges. Abusing a person with a handicap tends to go hard for the one who does it.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 2:36 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • Why would CPS need to be called at all?? Call the cops and have the son removed, mom may have to evict him through the courts depending on state rules... Mom,grandma and girlfriend need to get a restraining order against him. If he is attacking mom and grandma, girlfriend will be next then the baby. I would say mom should press charges against son to get him the help he needs..Not sure how past acts of violence would work for now though..
    midnightmoma

    Answer by midnightmoma at 2:44 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • It seems the mother and grandmother would do ok. The grandma has owned the house for forever and their bills are very low. Both are on SSI and mother is on disability as well. They can't support son and fiance and baby, but I think they will be ok on their own. Mother said if she doesn't press charges she's leaving for a battered women's shelter.

    I wish we had room for both the fiance and baby. We've had to scale down quite a bit with the economy bust. We are in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment with our teenage son in the 2nd bedroom. I guess it's not impossible, but it wouldn't be comfortable. And financially it will stretch us to just take in the baby temporarily. Believe me! I wish beyond wishing that we could do FAR more. But realistically... SO is between jobs right now trying to make a buck using his voice in voice-overs to help us get to the next job and I just had to take a pay cut (better than no job).
    daylily888

    Comment by daylily888 (original poster) at 2:44 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • How about contacting a Social Worker & maybe they can guide you in temporary custody of the child. GL! Has your DH tried to talk to his son & see why he is so abusive? Maybe he needs to talk to him ASAP before the kid gets arrested & costs everyone more money.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 2:45 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I guess CPS wouldn't be called by mom, but the cops have already been out numerous times and have had social workers come in to interview and investigate the home environment. Wouldn't the cops bring in CPS for a report of domestic violence especially where charges are pressed? Maybe I'm wrong. Again, I have NO experience in this area. My only exposure to cops is through a traffic ticket 10 years ago and getting ds set up for a ride-along with the local sheriff's dept.
    daylily888

    Comment by daylily888 (original poster) at 2:47 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • Take in fiance and baby with the rule that she MUST find a job within 30 days, and be out on her own in 90 days. You can offer to help her out with babysitting while she looks for work. This will be a good lesson for your teen son also- he's going to learn a lot about responsibility and having kids too young, and maybe he can earn a little cash by watching the baby now and then when fiance is on her feet.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:52 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • I agree take in the fiance and help her. Help her with the LO and find a job and get her on her feet. Always be in her life and let her know she has a place to come when she needs to. NEVER let SS back in the house or around them
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 2:53 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

  • If social workers have come out to investigate etc... Is the SW not part of CPS?? It kinda sounds as though CPS is already involved unless the SW is from a different dept..
    midnightmoma

    Answer by midnightmoma at 2:53 PM on Apr. 4, 2013

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