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3 Bumps

How long should it take for a boyfriend to love your child?

I know there isn't a right or wrong answer to this, I just feel like at some point it isn't going to happen. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, living with him for 1 year. He and my daughter get along. He is helpful with her, and watches her when he can, and picks her up from preschool and takes her to her dads one day a week. To me this feels like a babysitter. He is really great with her, he plays with her and is proactive when he doesn't have other things going on. But because he doesn't love her (he tells me this straight out, which I am happy he is honest about it) and he doesn't feel like he has any responsibility of her it doesn't feel like we are a family. When we get up, he stays in bed while I get her ready, I give her her baths and read and sing to her before bed while he does other things. In the morning I'll ask him what his plans for the day are and he will say "going to blah blah to watch the game, or biking around with whoever.." His plans don't include us. I feel like if he were ready for this "dad" role he wouldn't be thinking about what he wants to do with his friends every day, and instead think of what he would like to do as a family. I am working, and going to school, and any time outside of that is spent with my daughter. I never, never ever get to go out and see my friends...ever. And when I ask him to watch her on the weekends when I'm working all night he says he needs at least one day on the weekend to not watch her so he can go out with his friend. I understand it isn't fair of me to expect him to give up seeing his friends to watch my daughter, but why am I living with him if he doesn't just do this because that is his role and it's what he wants to do!?
It's hard because her dad is in her life. My boyfriend doesn't know what role he should be taking with her because the dad role is already taken. But I feel like we talk about this all the time and I feel awful for living with someone who doesn't treat my daughter like his own. He is a great guy and loves me a lot, but he also doesn't have a good steady job and I don't know if it's good for us to be living with him. I don't know what I would do if I weren't living with him. I really love him, and he would do anything for me, and I wouldn't be able to afford living anywhere else and just change is scary.
I broke up with him the other night, and he moved most of his things out of our house before I couldn't watch him leave my life anymore and told him we should talk things through first. So I know I love him, but after 2 years with us he still isn't ready for this role. Should I give him more time or should I not waste any more time?
Please know I do love this man. He is really great with her and she loves him a lot. It isn't just an easy choice when he thinks he will eventually get to that point (father like role) where I think he should already be. I feel like it should have happened already organically. That if he wanted to get closer to her he would have been doing things to show that he wants to, not just babysitting her when I ask him to.

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Asked by dbodani at 1:51 PM on Apr. 5, 2013 in Relationships

Level 15 (1,925 Credits)
Answers (23)
  • Aww hell no
    If some guy told me right out he doesn't love my kid,his ass would be gone,permanently

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 2:02 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • I think it it were going to happen 2 years is more than enough time. I had 3 kids and married a man with no kids. From the very beginning he was great with them. He loved them because he loved me, but he loved them do them within a couple months. Their dad is in their lives, but he fills the role of stepdad. He's there when there dad isn't and he does all the things with them that he does with our 2 bio kids. He never assumed I was going to be with the kids all day while he went and did his thing. We did family stuff.
    Sounds like he isn't ready for a family and I would start making plans to find a man who is.

    Answer by missanc at 2:02 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • It's hard because her dad is in her life. My boyfriend doesn't know what role he should be taking with her because the dad role is already taken.


    Maybe cause of this.


    Answer by virginiamama71 at 2:04 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • He is incapable of loving my child then he's ass would be gone. When you get into a relationship with someone with children they come with the whole package. You dont get to love the mother and not care for the children and if a mother stays in a relationship like that then she shouldnt have her children since she is putting the boyfriends feelings before the childrens.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 2:15 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • he isn't mean to her, or treats her bad. He is great with her and plays with her and helps out a lot with her. He is trying to get to that point and he feels like he is making progress, I just feel like if it hasn't happened organically already then I don't know if it ever will?

    Comment by dbodani (original poster) at 2:22 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • Here is the thing, he takes her places, he is good to her, so what do you want, he isn't her father, and I am not getting how you feel that he doesn't care about her.
    You have asked this question before, here is the deal, he can care for her, but he didn't give birth to her, sounds like they get along well.
    More disturbing, he doesn't hold a steady job, you are afraid you would be unable to live on your own.
    May I ask, who is paying the bills? If he has no job, how do you pay for things now?
    The question is about you, not about her, he isn't mean and does everything for the child, I think you need to sort out YOUR feelings for the man, not from your daughter's perspective.

    Answer by jerseydiva at 2:24 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • PS- your child HAS father, and as a step-parent I can tell you it isn't MY place to take my step child's parents role.

    Answer by jerseydiva at 2:25 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • PS every other weekend she is at her father's house, so I think you are being a bit selfish in expecting him to give up the only day he isn't running back and forth with her, he didn't make her with you, and even if he did, MY husband goes somewhere at least 2 x's a month, and I don't, and I don't care, I like being with my kids, and one of them isn't even mine.

    Answer by jerseydiva at 2:34 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • I don't think he should be taking her dads role, but do you feel like you and your significant other and his child/children feel like a family? Do you consider them on a day to day basis when making your plans or coming up with a schedule? Do you chose to do what you want to do and if you can watch your step child/ren then you do? I am not saying he has to be her dad but why would I be with someone who doesn't want to take on some type of parenting role with my child? He is working, just not a good job that he likes while he is looking for a job in his field. He is only able to do this because he has saved up a lot of money from previous jobs and decided to look for his dream job while he could. And I work, so am able to pay for our portion of things.
    And that fact that I've asked this before means I can't sort out my feelings and what is best for everyone involved. Things change and after this long that aspect hasn't changed.

    Comment by dbodani (original poster) at 2:38 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • she isn't at her fathers house every other weekend. (?maybe you got that from a previous question I asked but with my and my ex's schedule we don't have a set schedule with her) Because of my job and school the last few weeks were extremely hectic and that is the only time i've asked if he could help out more..and if he had an obligation such as work or had made plans in advance with his friends I would understand it, but he says straight out he needs a day off every weekend to hang out with his friends ( and he goes out with his friends pretty consistantly throughout the week) he isn't with her all the time..he picks her up from school and drops her off at her dads immediately after. And he watches her on a Friday or Saturday night when I work. That isn't him running back and forth and doing everything for her..

    Comment by dbodani (original poster) at 2:44 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

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